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Married guy committed to staying with wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by callahac, Jan 9, 2012.

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  1. Jim1454

    Jim1454
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    That's natural. Is there something that she does that you could show a greater interest in too?
     
    #41 Jim1454, Jan 30, 2012
  2. callahac

    callahac
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    I do take an interest in some of her things- I don't want to sound to much like a fag :slight_smile:, but I talk to her about clothes, fashion, make up, hair styles. Other than that she really doesn't have anything that she is passionate about. Which is sad, and she has mentioned on quite a few occassions that it it sad as well
     
    #42 callahac, Jan 30, 2012
  3. Hot Pink

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    I've read a few of your posts and by the sounds of it, she doesn't seem like the type to be accepting of an open relationship. Speaking as someone who also prefers monogamous relationships, I would be upset if my girlfriend told me she needed to be with another girl. Like, aren't I enough? The problem here is that you're gay, so she obviously can't fulfill your needs and she knows it.

    Staying together will be difficult, if not impossible in the long-run. I couldn't imagine being in her shoes. Mainly because I haven't been married to someone for 16 years. The vibe I get from what you're saying is just...difficult, hard... Harder than it should have to be.
     
    #43 Hot Pink, Jan 30, 2012
  4. callahac

    callahac
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    It is hard- because I love her, we get along great, have young children and now have gotten ourselves in a situation where we don't have a pot to piss in. To add seperation into the mix when we are fighting to save our home isa scary thought to ponder.
     
    #44 callahac, Jan 30, 2012
  5. Tracker57

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    Buddy: I'm going through similar things--including the financial issues and kid issues. I'm posting on your wall.
    Tracker
     
    #45 Tracker57, Jan 30, 2012
  6. callahac

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    Thanks, I jsut checked it out
     
    #46 callahac, Jan 30, 2012
  7. callahac

    callahac
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    So last night we watched The Devils Own together, so after it was over I said I want to watch another cool IRA movie again- The Crying Game. My wife says "I knew that was coming, and I don't want to watch it". I asked her why and she said "after the first time we watched it together (almost 20 yrs ago) she knew what she had gotten herself into." I told her I wanted to watch the movie because it is about the IRA. She said "no you don't, I know you liked the girl in it." Well I admit I do like the girl in it, and I do like androgenous guys, and she knows that, but that was not the reason for me watching the movie. she was very nasty about it, and kind of in my face about my homosexuality.

    I was like WTF? I'm still like WTF?
     
    #47 callahac, Feb 9, 2012
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  8. Tracker57

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    Is it just the issue of the day? Today it's your sexual orientation. Tomorrow will it be something Else? I go through phases like that with my wife. I think once she gets used to the idea, she won't feel so threatened. Did she react this way if you watched a James Bond movie and thought you were ogling the Bond girls? Once she's comfortable with this issue, I hope that calms down.

    My wife gets paranoid about different things depending on what the cause célèbre is that week. Drinking. Computer time. Working too much. Not enough time with the kids. Too much time with my buddies.

    Hang in there, bud. If you watch Making Love and Brokeback Mountain as a double feature, maybe she'd feel justifiably threatened.
     
    #48 Tracker57, Feb 9, 2012
  9. callahac

    callahac
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    No way of avoiding sex today. Wife is sending the kids off to Grandma's for the night and I know what she has in mind. Sigh. Please give me the strength to perform otherwise the sh*t will hit the fan, like it normally does if I don't.
     
    #49 callahac, Feb 21, 2012
  10. jimL

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    Good luck dude. Just think about some handsome cute thing with a big dick while your trying to perform.
     
    #50 jimL, Feb 21, 2012
  11. Robert

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    Are you only still with her because of financial difficulties? Would you otherwise break up with her?
     
    #51 Robert, Feb 21, 2012
  12. EM68

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    Well if you are getting to the point where you are dreading having sex with your wife then don't. You need to talk to her about this. Ultimately its your body and if you are going to stress out and you don't enjoy having sex then stop and tell her. This might be the perfect time to talk to her without the kids in the house.
     
    #52 EM68, Feb 21, 2012
  13. callahac

    callahac
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    I'm still with her for many reasons, and yes financial is one of them.

    ---------- Post added 21st Feb 2012 at 11:32 AM ----------
    That is a pretty interesting point, I don't think guys ever really view our bodies that way. I think though, that that could be the last straw with her, like the ultimate form of rejection.
     
    #53 callahac, Feb 21, 2012
  14. Chip

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    If you haven't gotten Joe Kort's "Ten Smart Things Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love", please get it now :slight_smile:

    It's really important to understand that this isn't just about you and your betrayal of her. As you've acknowledged, she's had an idea of what's going on for a long time... and when she thinks about it, she will probably realize that she knew even before you were married.

    In other words... she can't really complain about being rejected when she acknowledges that she's married to a gay man. Now, if she hasn't acknowledged that, then she needs to. As EM68 said, it is YOUR body and you really do need to be willing to stand up for yourself and say "Sorry, but I'm just not comfortable with this." And she may be unhappy with that but... no more unhappy than you are doing something that makes you feel uncomfortable. If the roles were reversed, and she was forced to have sex with a woman, to whom she feels no attraction, would she want to do it? Likely not.

    You can stay together and stay friends and live in the same house... but that doesn't mean you need to be sexually intimate. And if she doesn't understand that, then it isn't going to work for the two of you to stay together.

    I do think it would probably be a wise idea for both of you to get some counseling to get a better understanding, from both perspectives, of where things are for you. But rest assured, I think once everything comes to a head and is dealt with, it will be much better for both of you.
     
    #54 Chip, Feb 21, 2012
  15. Christiaan

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    Callahac, when I met my first, he was right where you are, right now. Right now, my first and I are no longer together, but we are both very content with our lives now. He spends a lot of time with his kids, and his relationship with his divorced wife is considerably better now than it was at any time that she was married to him.

    I wish I could talk to your wife. I would love to hook her up with my first lover's wife, so they could have a talk. The divorce was good for her, too, not just for my lover. She found an awesome, cool, well-groomed guy with kids of his own, and they are GOOD for each other. They work for each other. I wish that I could have a chance to get your wife to see that there is nothing out there but opportunity.

    I understand that divorce isn't realistic for you and your wife. That means one thing: it means you will have to be creative. You seem like a smart guy, so I know that won't be any trouble for you. Start focusing right now on innovation, and be open about it with your wife. She might get pissed-off and impatient with you during this time, but just remember: it's hard for her, too. I just hope you can get her to see that this is a chance for both of you to have a new lease on life.

    Good luck.
     
    #55 Christiaan, Feb 21, 2012
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  16. insidehappy

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    i have read these adn im not married and i do not have kids so i can't really relate but what i can see if that you are unhappy, the wife sounds unhappy, and everyone in this entire situation is unhappy (kids included). so basically you have to decide what you are going to do. if you keep down this road i can tell you what's going to happen, one day wife and kids are going to be gone and the gay guy that you actually like is going to come over and there's going to be cheating or you'll get drunk and fed up one night with all the stress and drama and end up cruising at some bar or website and pick up someone gay to fulfill your fantasy. if you were sexually attracted to your wife, i woudl say that wouldn't be likely to happen, but you're not and sooner or later something is probably going to go down with a guy.

    here's my recommendation:

    1. marriage counseling: if you haven't tried it, try it. it could work.

    2. if #1 doesn't work adn you've exhausted all efforts, sit down with wifey and tell her the situation. you are both unhappy, its not going to get better and there is no magic straight pill. it is what it is.

    3. develop a departure plan with an end date. ok, we've got to do xyz for the next year or two and then i think its best we separate once we can stand on our own two feet. stop having sex with her since it sounds like its not consensual on your part anyway, and stay celibate until you can divorce/separate. set end date to a time when you can both be ok alone and still manage to take care of the kids.
     
    #56 insidehappy, Feb 21, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2012
  17. callahac

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    Good morning everyone,

    Thanks so much for your replies and insight.

    So last night as expected it happened, but not in the way I envisioned. We made dinner together, we talked about things, she said to me that it was ok with her if we didn't have sex, and understood and that she was just happy to spend some time together. We had a few cocktails, and some wine. Then we cleaned the kitchen. I asked if she wanted to watch TV and she said no, let's jsut read instead as she had to get up early for work. So I headed to the bedroom and began reading. She came in a few minutes later with some irish coffees. I was already very buzzed. So I had the coffee, and she went to the bathroom to get ready for bed. I fell asleep and woke to her trying to stick my dildo in my butt. She said "it's ok that I like a d*ck up my ass and just relax" So I let her continue to shove it up there and of course became very hard. She then hopped on top of me, started riding me, and told me to continue f'ing myself with the dildo and saying all sorts of things in my ear like "Are you picturing that big hard c*ck in you ass,", "I know how much you love it", etc. Long story short I wound up orgasming very quickly and then she finished herself off with her own vibrator. So she kinda raped me, and to be honest I didn't mind all that much.

    This morning was a little akward, we didn't talk about last night, and before she left she said "I'm glad we had sex last night," kissed and she is now off to work.

    Anyway, way very strange and I am sitting here wondering what the hell happened, and have mixed emotions. Either she is really ok with me, or did what she had to do to get off, or maybe she was doing a test to see what I can and cannot perform to. I don't know.

    As one you mentioned earlier, she has known about my orientation since the day we met. She told me that when I came out to her last year, that she has always known. I still find that bizzare. Anyway today is our 21st anniversary since the day we met.
    :confused:
     
    #57 callahac, Feb 22, 2012
  18. Christiaan

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    It might be a way for her to assure herself that she has a degree of control, here. It sounds like what she feared was that you might cast her aside and leave her longing for something she can't have anymore, all alone and helpless, unable to get satisfaction. But I think she'll work hard from here to make sure you're getting what you need. Or that's what it SOUNDS like, based on what you say. It's an open door, unless I miss my guess.

    And I hope the two of you have a happy anniversary.
     
    #58 Christiaan, Feb 22, 2012
    Last edited: Feb 22, 2012
  19. Chip

    Chip
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    I dunno.

    I mean, you've been married for 21 years so in that regard, there's a certain amount of liberty that one partner can take with the other, but personally, under the circumstances you're describing, I would consider it a serious violation of my boundaries if I awoke to my partner sticking a dildo (or anything else) up my ass.

    She's clearly NOT ok with not having sex, and that in itself is pretty disingenuous, as she offered the "we don't have to have sex" thing... and then, after saying that, essentially raped you. And she didn't ask if you were OK with this, she simply did it, and then simply jumped on top when you had an (essentially involuntary) response to being penetrated by the dildo. In any other situation, that would clearly be rape. And I suspect that if the roles were reversed, and she wasn't ok with having sex, and you essentially forced the issue... it would look a lot more like rape.

    But society is conditioned to not believe that men have a right to say no, or to keep safe boundaries for their own bodies, and it is also conditioned to ignore instances of rape or inappropriate sexual behavior that are perpetrated against men.

    What I'm looking at here for my clues into your feelings is the statement "I didn't mind all that much" which is wildly different from "It was hot and I actually enjoyed it." Likewise, the statement about you having mixed emotions is, I think, telling.

    As I said above, your body is yours. If you decide that you're fine with your wife taking a dominant role and do this sort of thing... then by all means, go for it. But I think I hear you instead saying that you aren't so sure about it, and that you don't feel comfortable asserting yourself and, in particular, asserting your right to control your own body.

    Again, I don't know the depth of your 21 year relationship, so perhaps this is something the two of you have negotiated and is totally fine, but judging from the words you're using to describe it, I infer something completely different. And if so, it really is your right -- and your responsibility -- to set clear boundaries about your own body so that you can feel safe in your own bedroom.
     
    #59 Chip, Feb 22, 2012
  20. callahac

    callahac
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    The whole thing was just bizzare. Didn't help that she got me drunk I suppose. I mean here is my wife shoving a life like dildo in my ass telling me how much she knows I love it. Then jumps on top of me.

    So I am sitting here wondering what the hell happened. I was so relieved when she said we didn't have to have sex, because I really knew I would not be able to perform, and it was causing me anxiety. As it turns out I really didn't because I came about a minute after she jumped on top of me so she had to pleasure herself on her own. We really did have a nice night alone without the kids. Who knows maybe she was just horny. She didn't seem to care that she had to get herself off.

    All I know is I don't see how this can continue forever- a wife should not be telling her husband to think all the thoughts she was telling me to think, jsut to have sex. I would think at some point she will have to look in the mirror, realize how damn attractive she is, and realize that she should have a man that wants her. She get's hit on at the super market all the time- she tells me, and I have no doubt. I'm a very inshape guy, and I know she oggles over my body, which is nice, I would think she would want the same in return.

    as far as me jumping her without her permission- as I am sure you guys have figured out, that has never happened. Has she done this to me before? A couple of times, but never with this level of blatant homo-erotica. Did it feel good? Sure, but again I feel strange about it. She knows that if I was with a man I would be a total bottom and has playfully taughted me in the past- like putting the dildo against her panties and smacking me in the face with it while I'm reading, or sometimes she comes up from behind me as I'm doing something like washing the dishes or folding laundry and will pretend to f*ck me, or says things if I am hungry like "why don't you have a banana, or hot dog, sausage, etc" As for the dildo, she bought it for me.

    Just a very sad and complex situation. I love her, we have a great time together, it's just that she was born without a penis
     
    #60 callahac, Feb 22, 2012
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