Married guy committed to staying with wife

this was probably due to self esteem issues and feeling liek she finally found someone that loved her for her and in her mind you being gay was something she was willing to deal with because everything else seemed good at the time. also, many guys are bi or bi curious or even gay but they just dont tell their girlfriends or wives, so she may have known that anwyay and figured, "ok well its not like if i date/marry someone else they wont have their own set of issues, so i will stick with this because atleast i'm loved and feel awesome." its kinda like looking for an apartment or a house. no place is going to be ideal or perfect and sometimes you take the best thing and work with it.

 

Hey Chris, I am in the same boat as you. I have been married 23 years and came out to my wife last June. She also had suspicions over the years. Some of her friends even told her they thought I was gay. For whatever reason she chose to ignore it. She is my best friend. I told her that I was committed to staying in the relationship. As time goes on I am realizing that I don't think it's going to work. Not that I don't love her, because I do. I would love to stay with her but I really want to be with a man. It's just so difficult to figure out how to do it. I have had sex with men over the years (not a lot, but some), so I know it's is something that I really like and want to have. But more importantly I want to have a loving relationship with a guy. Like you for many years I fantasized about making love to a man while I was making love to my wife. It's just a crazy way to live. I know it's going to take me some time to make the transition, but I do know that I need to do it. Besides everyone here is saying or should I say suggesting that I need to move in that direction. I have read studies that say 1/3 of all gay married men that come out stay married. I guess I was surprised by that but, in the long run I don't think I will be one of the 1/3. I wish you lots of luck in trying to figure out what to do. We are lucky to have EC to keep us sane. Hugs......

 

Oh no, don't be mad at her for going through with marrying you. I think it probably speaks to her thinking that she wanted you because you are truly a nice guy. I have been told that I am a nice guy. I have always treated people like I wanted to be treated and I'll bet you are the same. You know, I think being gay gives us a little different outlook on life and how we relate to others. I guess maybe we just relate to women well. Is that because of our feminine side? It's interesting that throughout my life I have found myself having more women friends that men. Subconsciously there must be some underlying meaning to that.....I just don't know what it is.

 

yes, that would have made it easier on you and given you an "out" but let's face it, if you were gung-ho on marrying her at that time, you may have denied it or felt that it could work anyway. obviously you were thinking this because you married her knowing what you knew about yourself. also, shifting responsbility to her for something that has to do with you almost in a way victimizes you. the fact is, no one is at fault here, both parties knew you were gay (you included) both parties decided not to talk about it, and both parties somehow thought the marriage could work in spite of it. its not important to rehash the past but lets focus on now. now you can decide to stay with her or leave her or have an open marriage. i think having a guy on teh side while you're with her really is not a good choice for anyone involved. the sad thing is that her esteem is so low that she may even passively be "ok" with this only to keep you and the image of a "marriage" alive. people do it all the time, they just don't talk about it but they know their other spouse is with otehr people. they just dont have sex anymore and often sleep in separate beds in the same house. the other person never speaks about their private encounters but the other spouse knows they are going on. my advice is to get some counseling (marriage) see what you both want. maybe this can still work. but from your earlier posts it sounds like you have this insatiable need to be with a man physically so i think sooner or later your resolve is going to weaken and you may do something.

 

Hi there, and welcome to EC. Sorry I'm a little late to this party... I've been busy at work with year end accounting.

I was married to a wonderful woman for 9 years. We had 2 beautiful daughters, a lovely home in a desireable neighbourhood, a volvo station wagon and a golden retriever. The absolute picture perfect life. And I was miserable. At first I didn't realize I was gay - just 'curious'. And I'm ashamed to say that I did cheat. Don't! It did me no good, and only made me hate myself more. When I finally came out to my wife, I wanted to somehow salvage our marriage, but thankfully she was able to see our situation for what it was, and she asked for a divorce.

I was devastated. I was scared. I didn't want to admit to people that I was gay. I felt like a failure for having a failed marriage. I worried that I was 'damaging' my kids. I worried about what other people would think about me.

Separating was the best thing for both of us.

It was hard. Don't get me wrong. And I felt worse before I felt better. Counselling was CRITICAL for both of us - individually and together. There was a lot of sadness. We suffered a loss when we ended our marriage. But things weren't going to get better. They were going to get worse. I needed the space to work on myself. (The internal stress and turmoil had driven me to addiction - and I needed to work on recovery as well as work out the guild and shame that came along with my orientation.) So I did work on myself, and I got better. And my ex wife has been my number one supporter and friend. I couldn't have been blessed with a more wonderful life partner.

We both moved on. We bought separate houses - but I painted the girls' bedrooms in her place so they were nice. She helped me pick the colours for my house - as I'm generally clueless when it comes to those things. I would still drop in for dinner during the week to see her and the girls. We have typically spent Christmas together the past 5 years. We created a new normal for our family - and one that is better than it could have been had we stayed together.

We have both met someone new - and we have both remarried. Me last summer, and her the summer before. As a result we've both moved again, but we remain within 10 minutes of each other so that I'm able to drop the girls at school on the mornings when I've had them the night before.

I'm SOOOO much happier and at peace with my life now. Looking back, I hardly recognize that guy that I used to be. I didn't know what love felt like really until I met my husband. Only then did I realize what my wife seemed to feel for me - but that I didn't seem to feel for her. At the time I chalked it up to the whole 'men are from mars' thing, and assumed that I shouldn't feel the same as her. But the fact of the matter was I wasn't going to feel that way for a woman - it needed to be with a man. And now I get it. I feel complete with my husband. And not just from a physical perspective. I'm just so much more comfortable with him in every way. Shopping. Eating. Laying in bed. Talking. In every way.

So I guess my point here is that I know there are lots of reasons to want to save your marriage. But I wonder how many of them are really rooted in a fear of the future and a preference to stick with the familiar. The problem is that right now you probably can't even imagine how much more amazing the unfamiliar can feel once you get through the initial discomfort (separation, coming out, etc.). But from my experience, it's more wonderful than I ever could have imagined.

So seek counselling and start talking about the future and how things might look. Your wife wouldn't really be losing you, because what she'd lose in quantity she'd gain in quality. You'd be a much better dad and friend if you were to start being true to yourself. That has been my experience.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk privately, or just keep the conversation going here for the benefit of others reading.

 

This is all very familiar to me. I am benefiting from all the input on this discussion. There ar just a lot of people in the same boat. Maybe it will be slightly easier for the next generation to see and accept who they are earlie in life. Looking backwards, the signs were there and I rolled forward. And we end up where we probably shouldn't be and gave to figure out what course to chart now that we know the truth bout ourselves.

 

Well at least you have an honest way to bring physical pleasure to each other without having to fake it or to think of a man when you are with a woman. It seems more intellectually honest.

 

Gay guy married to a woman for 30 years here. Anything you do to satisfy each other sexually is between you two. And if she's okay with it, you should be, too.

I am intending to stay with my wife, too. Somehow we will work things out. I am not out to her at all...and she does not have an inkling that I'm gay. I know because my daughter asked her if I was gay and she replied "Definitely not. I would know if he was." (it's a long story about how the question came up and irrelevant here.) Because of several family traumas, my therapist has recommended that I not come out to her at this time. But, I'm not sure how our sexual needs will work themselves out.

 

Hey, buddy. Hang in there. Sometimes I obsess about sex, too. It's like my brain gets stuck. Eventually, you'll either get unstuck or just have sex somewhere. The important thing is to get some satisfaction somewhere so this thing doesn't erupt somewhere that could put you in danger. I am going with my therapist's recommendation. Get relief, even if it's self-gratification.

I had a long talk with my therapist yesterday. I complained to him that straight sex just seems like so much work. My wife and I aren't in sync with anything. And by the time I've WORKED at getting her aroused, I'm bored. And limp. Sometimes new experiences are more arousing than those you're used to. Gay and straight couples often get to the point where sex is not so sexy any longer between them. (So says my therapist.) Don't beat yourself up. You should be glad you've got a partner who is trying to understand. Mine wouldn't have a clue except to be repulsed.

I'm still working through my issues. If you can get counseling, do it!!!

Tracker

 

Dude, I spent years thinking of men while having sex with my wife and she didn't now that. The thought of her telling me to think about being with a man while having sex with her would be nuts as you say. I read this as totally her doing whatever it takes to keep you around. Am I off base? I guess the question I have is how long can you be happy with that kind of a relationship? You're probably asking yourself the same question I am, every day, can I live my life as a straight man when I know I'm gay.

 

She says she doesn't want the marriage to be destroyed, but it already is. You're not thinking of her during sex which you should be if this is a real marriage.

You're gay and married. I know your pain, I'm in the same situation. We're in the process of ending it because I know we both deserve more and ultimately we'll be happier in the long run (and we still love each other too!). A marriage is more than a slip of paper, its a commitment and you've both agreed to break that commitment in spirit.

You and your wife deserve more.

---------- Post added 27th Jan 2012 at 11:18 PM ----------

yeah, you sound like a healthy, normal gay man with healthy, normal gay desires. and those desires wont go away unless you castrate yourself (not recommended :icon_bigg)