Married guy coming out story

i'm pretty new here, though i've posted quite a bit already, so there's already pieces of my story scattered around EC, so putting it one place. i thought some might benefit from my story, maybe help someone in some way. It's not a story i'm proud of, but maybe my experience and mistakes can help others avoid? Also, i have been divorced since 2008, do none of this is recent or a question of looking for support or answers, it took me a half a lifetime, but i did process thoroughly, and when i was through, it was pretty complete. i am at peace and have been since about 2006 when i finally came to a place of self acceptance. It's just my story, i make no judgements of anyone else's path, nor do i presume any moral high ground.

i grew up in a strict religious culture that considered homosexuality to be a sin, something a person can choose against. i also grew up in an era when homosexuality was still listed as a psychological disorder. i can trace my attraction to guys as far back as age 7. No history of sexual abuse here, i can remember the names of every boy i ever had a crush on, even before the age of 10. i was pretty effeminate as a little guy, but quickly learned not to present that way and look and act 'normal.' By the time i was 13, i was putting the label homosexual on my feelings. i remember going to the library and looking under "H" for information on homosexuality. All the books were old medical books that confirmed i was sick.

At age 14, i decide my only hope was "God," and i threw myself headlong into the pursuit of "God" (the fundamentalist Christian version of "God"). i read the bible constantly, carried it around campus in high school. It was me and God against my homosexuality. i prayed about it all the time, asking God for a solution, wondering what i was missing, why i was always failing. i had the hormones of any average teen aged boy, and once i discovered masturbation, at 14, it was a constant. All my fantasies were about guys. my particular version of Christianity had conditioned me to believe that even just thinking about having sex with a guy was the equivalent of doing so in the eyes of "God," so i was constantly ashamed and guilty. It was a continuous cycle of masturbating, tears, shame, failure, asking God to forgive me, asking God how i could "get free" of my "sinful desires." I felt very alone, i was the only one who knew... well, me and God.

At age 19, i'd become a member of what i now consider to have been a cult. Most of us were young, teens or early twenties, the leader was a woman in her 40's and we all called her "mom." We all considered her a prophet, which she asserted she was. We also came to think of ourselves as possibly prophets as well... hey, why not? We'd meet and talk about he bible, but mostly stand praying pentecostal style, hands raised, tongues, the whole gamut... then we'd wait in silence to "hear from God." Yeah, a little cultish. At my wits end about making no progress getting free from homosexuality, i would have settled with just being able to resist my desires and not masturbate to them all the time, but neither was the case. i decided my failure was due to pride, a popular topic with our leader, and that God wanted me to confess my "sin" to the group. It was the hardest thing i'd ever done to date. Homosexuality was not a topic talked about openly, especially in religious circles. Even big time evangelical preachers hadn't started preaching against "the gay agenda" in their churches. So i "confessed." Actually, everyone was pretty friendly, they all circled around me, laid hands on me and prayed for my "deliverance." And that was that. Of course, i'd been wrestling with this for five years at this point, and i realized they hadn't a clue of what i was up against. But really, for me, i considered i was obeying "God," just trying to figure out what i was doing wrong and fix it. That kind of threw me though, because it, of course, didn't 'fix' me at all, just made me more alone. None of us really knew what we were dealing with, myself included. i was just following my conditioning and believed i was broken and a failure. Oh, an important note: my wife to be was present when i confessed.
i turned twenty a month later and four months later i had my first kiss. A girl. i'd gone to high school with her, and she was a member of the same 'church,' as was her brother and sister. We'd all gather regularly, but that spring, we started getting hot and heavy. i was attracted to her, we made out a lot... i'd lay on top of her, obviously aroused, but sex with here never occurred to me. We only romanced for about 2 months, then one day when the whole group was praying and waiting for "God" to give a message, one of the members "received from God" that she and i were to separate and not see each other again. We were all zealots, so of course there was no question about this. As it turned out, i ended up being separated from the group because we couldn't both attend, so i ended up being the chivalrous one. We both believed we'd never see each other again, but by September, the same member who received from God that we had to separate, receive that we could get back together... and oh, by the way, you can also get married. Blink. Yeah, i know, you had to be there. i never actually proposed to my former wife, but we married two months later.
The time we were separated was particularly rife with fantasy and masturbation with me, always about guys. But still, i married as a virgin.
About a month after we married, i once again "confessed" my homosexual desires to my now wife. i was very naive, but sincere in my religious belief that she was a partner, a helper, and she'd help me in my fight against homosexuality. Instead, she freaked out and i realized i was still alone with this. i backpedaled and assured her "God" had everything under control. i learned 30 years later when we were divorcing that she'd gone to our pastor the next day and asked if she should get an annulment. They discussed me at length, apparently, and decided i was just confused and couldn't be gay, nothing was ever said about it to me and i went deeper into my closet. We were both 21 years old. i still continued to masturbate and have gay fantasies on the side, with extra doses of guilt and shame, and now a secret from my wife.
Six years and two kids later, i went to a port city in Los Angeles one weekend to help restore a missionary hospital ship. i spent the night and they bunked me in a berth with Skip, a missionary crew member. He gave me a tour of the ship and we went our separate ways to work that day. That night, i showered and went to bed, he came in much later. It was very dark, could barely see shadows, but the berth was small and his bunk was only about 4 feet away. For the next couple of hours, he made sounds that sounded like he was masturbating, and a lifetime of repressed desire and need finally moved me over to his bed. He wordlessly offered me His penis, and i gave my first bj. It didn't take him long to cum, and i tasted my first semen... i was in heaven. He turned over without a word and went to sleep, i went back to my bunk and at some point also fell asleep. The next morning, i was dying to talk all about it, i was in love (rolls eyes at self). But he'd left before i woke, and i never saw him before i had to leave the next day.

For me, that was the first sexual experience with a guy. The 2 hour trip home i knew i was gay and when i got home i told my wife i was gay and it was not going to change, we needed to separate. i didn't tell her about my experience, i figured there was no point since we were going to separate.

A month later i moved from California to Virginia to start a new life. i lived with my sister while looking for a job, she lived on the Virginia coast. i took a walk one day and happened on the gay section of the beach. Andy picked me up and took me home. That was my first time bottoming for a Guy, and again i was in love. Andy was too, for about five days. At that point in my life, i was still very conditioned about ideas of relationship, and after Andy tired of me five days later, i was devastated. Fall came, the beach was empty and i was alone in a strange place. i started to feel guilt about leaving my wife and kids, decided everything i'd been told about homosexuality was right, and decided it was out of my system. Three months after we separated, i got back together with my wife, she moved with the kids to Virginia. Again, i didn't tell her of my experiences, i was convinced it was out of my system... but it wasn't. The proverbial cat was out of the bag.

There's a lot more, i'll continue if anyone would like, or just leave it here. But it's a sordid tale of cheating and lying, me still convinced i could change if i just found the right answer. That never happened for me, the answer was to accept myself and live honestly. i could not suppress my feelings, and my ideas of "God" were obviously wrong. Consequently, i don't recommend a DL lifestyle, or trying to change, rather i think finding a way to accept oneself and live honestly is the way to go.
To me, intimate relationship is about living openly and honestly with another person, if that cannot be done, i question whether or not the relationship is truly intimate, or more of a facade? i only now want a relationship where i can be 100% me and my partner can be 100% who they are.

 

Thank you for saying so ScottyG. One of the (many) great things about a community like EC is we get to be ourselves and discover we're not odd or weird, 'deviant,' ... or alone in how we think and feel. <3

 

LlouW, thank you for sharing your kind and affirming thoughts and feelings. When i think about it, that's what it comes down to in many ways, a community of other like people affirming we are not an anomaly, weird, perverse, bad, wrong, ..... That's what those who conditioned to think in those terms in the first place had the superior feelings and notions that comes with ethnocentricity. It's funny how religion stated homosexuality was "against nature..." then someone studied nature and discovered nature is full of homosexuality. Ethnocentricity does that though, reaches a conclusion, then comes up with arguments why it's "right" or "true," after the fact. Not from a desire to know reality or the 'truth,' but rather to support baseless feelings of superiority and rightness.

When one is different from the norm, the subtle, as well as overt, message is always negative, never affirming. We come here and share our feelings and experiences and discover we have a tribe and are not all that different after all. Honestly, i think that's true about humanity. The more recent social idea of "celebrating diversity" is so healthy, but so many want to cling to misplaced feelings of superiority just because they happen to think so. F that. (not them, but "that").