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Married, Gay, and the future

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nick2586, Jun 5, 2020.

  1. Nick2586

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    Hello everyone,

    Let me start by saying, I’ve been looking for something like this for a while now. Glad I found EC.

    Honestly I need some advise or just words of encouragement.

    I am in my early 30’s and came out a little over a year ago to my wife. At first I came out as Bisexual, but after some lengthy conversations my wife pushed me to explore my sexuality. And I did. That starts the spiral. After being with a couple men, I found one who I started to fall in love with. Began to feel emotions I had never felt before.

    I knew at this point I was gay. I didn’t accept it, and still struggle at times now. I want that feeling with him, but don’t want to hurt my wife. She saved me from a rough home life, she’s been the only person before this I’ve been with sexually.

    How did anyone else handle this? I know I’m gay. I know i would get so much joy in being with this man, and spending a life with him. But my wife and my relationship has always been solid. Never any issues and comfortable.

    I just have this pit in my stomach every time think about it. Every time I think of telling her, moving out, our child, all of it.

    Anyone else out there?
     
  2. Emily999

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    I’m in a similar position but I’m a woman.
    How does your wife feel?
    My husband wants to just pretend this isn’t all happening and forget about it which in many ways makes this a lot harder to deal with
     
  3. Nick2586

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    I’m in the exact same position. She desperately wants things to go back to “normal”. I keep trying to tell her normal for her and normal for me are two completely different mental states.

    My biggest struggle is I feel so much guilt in even thinking it. I’m addition to fear that by moving on I’m making a mistake because I’m leaving my comfort. Which is hard because I ultimately am working through a lot of Complex PTSD and Attachment trauma from my childhood. Which I know plays a pivotal role.

    How did your husband handle it when you first told him? I’ve tried to be open with my wife this whole time as much as it hurts, I know I can’t hide this.
     
  4. Emily999

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    How old is your child?
    My situation is made all the more harder by having such a lovely family unit, our children are only young 7 and 10 years old and would be devastated.
    The thought of breaking up their little happy lives makes me feel horrendous, but currently I’m feeling sick every day and like I’m just existing getting through one day to the next - almost wishing life away which is very sad.
    When I first told him he was very shocked but basically told me to do what I needed to do to clear my head and said he wanted no further conversation about it.
    Unfortunately the woman I had already met by this point had strong feelings for me and with the go ahead I got, we fell in love.
    She is also married so this is a complete nightmare all round!
    I love my husband but am not physical attracted to him like I am to women
     
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  5. Nick2586

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    My daughter is 6. So I absolutely feel your pain. I met this man in August and we fell in love. At one point (December) my wife reached a point where she asked me to leave. So he and I planned things out. We where going to move in and as time moved I got so scared of it all. I pushed him away so I could process it, and I feel by doing so I’ve pushed him away.

    Honestly as I look back now. I realize now how much I love him, how much myself I felt with him. I felt more comfortable with him then I’ve ever felt in my life. He and I still love each other but he is worried I will hurt him, and I’m worried he will hurt me.

    I’m now feeling I have to do this. I have to move forward to be with him, because it’s the only way to true authentic happiness. The pain I feel though for my wife is so hard to handle. And I don’t even know how to tell her.

    So much uncertainly has literally put me at my lowest. The lowest I’ve ever been.

    It’s hard too in your case given your husbands don’t ask mentality. Have you had any conversations about what if this situation happens? Do you think he would be open to letting you explore this if he could do the same? I know that may sound hard, but it’s hard for me. But it maybe something to help him navigate his side.
     
  6. Boatman

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    I totally understand where you are, especially this bit.
    I have struggled with my sexuality and feared it. My life is complicated, but I wished I had the courage to be me when I was younger and accept myself. Doing the right thing may be hard but you have to do what is right for everyone
     
  7. Nick2586

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    Boatman

    You are right. It’s so hard but I know that my life and my happiness need to come first. Everyone has been telling me that who has been supporting me through my coming out and my past.

    Coincidently it happened last night. I hit my lowest. I had that talk with my wife. It crushed her. We spent a good part of the night crying. Today is a new day. I’m happy I said something because it has been eating me alive. It’s now putting the actions in place, which I know will be just as hard.
     
  8. Emily999

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    How are you feeling today?
    How do you think you’re going to handle things going forward?
    Well done - that has taken so much courage from you, amazing
     
  9. Nick2586

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    It’s been hard today because I see how much it’s impacting her. Impacting her from the sense of Ive told her I think we should live separately and be alone to really understand who we are and what we want. She’s struggling with it.

    I’m having a hard time seeing that, but making the effort to separate myself from her today in the house has felt good to me. It’s felt like I’ve been able to remove the worry of her feelings and focus on me and my daughter.

    She thinks we should take things slow before anyone moves out, but in all honestly I’m seeing this as our opportunity for one another. I think me moving out will be hard at first, but I see it as a beneficial thing because I think it will clear both our heads and show us what we need/want in life.

    It’s certainly scary. Especially because I’m worried the man I’m in love with won’t be there and she won’t be there. But I know I can’t rely on them for my happiness. They can be apart of my happiness, but I have to create that happiness for myself.

    But boy it’s HARD
     
  10. Emily999

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    That is so courageous of you but I completely understand why it feels so so scary for you.
    That’s exactly it - The thought of ending up alone versus being with someone you’re not completely in love with - it’s hard to know what’s worse when all you truly want is to actually be with someone else.
    How are things standing with the max you’re in love with, are you still in contact etc? X
     
  11. Nick2586

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    It is. It’s really the scariest thing ever. I’m trying to hold it together for myself and her. I mean even with this she gets it, she doesn’t like it. But gets it. She wants to be there too help me, to which I had to say I know you do but I have to do it alone. It’s the only way I can get my head into the place it needs to be.

    The man I’m in love with wants me to take the time to make sure I get my head right and I’m ready to move on with that chapter. Completely understandable too, and I respect it. In all of this he has been a rock to me, and honestly he has shown me love I never felt before.

    It’s certainly hard to think about the future right now, so at this point I’ve had to tell myself one day at a time.
     
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  12. Boatman

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    Nick,
    Of all the post I’ve read on EC this one really hit home. It is such a hard place to be. I chose to stay and put my feeling aside; I’m not sure it was the right thing. But reading your approach to things I think you are doing the right thing by going slow (and your man sounds wonderful)
     
  13. Nick2586

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    Yeah I know I need to do this and make a change if I’m going to be happier. Certainly hard!

    The absolute worst part in this is right after I made the decision. I told my man. He was happy for me, then then informed me he lost faith in us and told me he had cheated on me.

    Needless to say, I’m an absolute wreck. Had this vision of a partnership and happiness ahead. But now it’s just where do I go. I know I have to do it for myself. But that’s always my fear in a gay relationship. It feels like there is no monogamy. That sex holds value over love and connection.
     
  14. Emily999

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    Oh my word nick,
    I’ve just checked back on here to see how you’re getting on and I didn’t imahine this to be the update.
    I am so very sorry.
    Did he do it at a time you were together or do you think in his own way out of pain and confusion he was trying to move on?
    I say this because all the times me and the lady in question have parted or decided to “ work in our marriages “ that’s been the times I have tried to be intimate with my husband - out of desperation really, not love.
     
  15. Nick2586

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    He tells me it was because he felt rejected by me and thought I had moved on with my wife. It hurt a lot. I’ve had time process and I could move past it, but knowing he gave up on me. That’s what kills more than anything.

    I’ve talked to him more since. He tells me he loves me, but he wants this time apart so he can be alone. He tells me he still envisions a future, but when our paths cross. It’s so confusing honestly.

    The plus side in it all at least is my wife is being super supportive. We have agreed to sell the house and move into separate apartments. She wants to take time being alone, and supporting me from afar. She wants me to take time alone, meet other gay men, date. We’ve talked about sex, and she is ok with it as long as we talk about it. She an amazing person, which makes it so much harder.
     
  16. SweetT80

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    Omggg I could have wrote this!
     
  17. Contented

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    One of the consequences many of us face as we come to terms with our same sex attraction is that others get hurt in the process. We certainly don’t set out to cause this pain however in most cases it seems unavoidable. As I came to terms with that attraction I tried to pretend I was bisexual, at least for a short time. The truth however and I knew it early on was I realized I was gay. The desire and more so the need to be with another man was overwhelming. I knew to be truly happy I needed to be in a relationship with a man and that this was going to devastate my female significant other. I tried to keep the relationship for a short time but in reality I had already checked out of heterosexuality permanently. Of course I felt terrible for her and understood her confusion and real anger. The bottom line however was we both would have been unhappy and unfulfilled. I couldn’t live with the idea of living a lie for the rest of my life. It was not fair to me not her. None of us choose this sexual transition it is just part of who we are and in the end our emotional and physical happiness as to be addressed. In many cases the costs are high but the rewards of living authentically are greater than the costs. I wish only the best for you on your journey.
     
    #17 Contented, Jul 11, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 11, 2020
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  18. quadratic

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    Oh my goodness, Nick2586, what an emotional roller-coaster just reading - must be infinitely worse living it. I'm in no position to give advice, except that being true to yourself is the beginning of wisdom. Dealing with wife and family just hugely magnifies the issues. I have the advantage of living apart from my family for the last few years, but coming out to them as I did 10 days ago was still a huge bomb in their lives. As I said in another thread, married gay men have it very tough indeed.

    It seems to me, though, that amongst all your heart-ache and despair, there are the glimmerings of hope: of understanding between you and your wife; between you and your man. My own wife was shattered and distraught at my news: even with me living apart she cherished a hope that somehow we would live our lives out together in some way.

    It must be very hard too, trying to manage the re-conceptualization of the relationship with your wife, plus the terms of your new relationship. I can barely do on thing at a time, let alone two things of such orders of magnitude!

    Given that everybody's lives and relationships are different, I hope you find some way for all four of you to live and love harmoniously. And when you do, can you let me know how to do it?
     
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