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Married, Gay and Lost

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by tom100, Jun 20, 2012.

  1. NomadicDave

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    Tom,

    You already have helped me immensely. We are like "foxhole buddies", we all gain strength witnessing another man's courage.
     
  2. Chrissouth53

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    I wish I could say something more optimistic, but from my experience and others with whom I have spoken the gay/bi sexuality thing, no matter how "understanding" the wife is, will always be an undercurrent and fodder for lashing out.

    The important thing is how you deal with those occurrences, just as you deal with any other time she lashes out.
     
  3. tom100

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    Have been thinking about this 'what do I want' business. And have had another light bulb moment.

    All my life I have been trying to please, to do the right thing, to do what other people wanted. When I was outed 20 odd years ago, I went to a psychiatrist, because that's what my mother wanted. I went out dating women, because that's what he wanted. I got married, because that's what she wanted. Looking back, if I'd had more self belief and more courage, I don't think I would have done any of those. What a mess.
    (the marriage one is a bit more complex really and I'm maybe being a bit flippant here).

    So here's another conflict running round my head. How do I achieve this sense of self belief, to allow myself to say, "No, that's not what I want." and still retain this relationship? :bang: Maybe it's not possible.

    During all this a scene from Star Wars keeps popping into my head (Empire Strikes Back I think): Luke Skywalker is getting nailed by the bad guy - what was his name? - while Vader looks on and the bad guy says. "You fool boy, only now do you understand."

    How true. (What's really odd, is that scene has been in my head from the very first time I saw it and I've never worked out why - well now I know!)

    Tom
     
  4. maxx

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    Tom - I think for us 'pleasers' that figuring out what we truly want in life, and believing that we deserve to have happiness of our own - is one of the most difficult things to achieve.

    I can recommend a few books that helped me with this. One is the 'Gift of Imperfection' by Brene Brown that has been mentioned - very insightful book about the importance (and joy) of being vulnerable, and the fact that we are innately 'good enough' or worthy of love - by being exactly who you are - no apologies necessary - and independent of what anyone else thinks of us.

    Another is 'Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life' by James Hollis - another insightful book on getting a much better sense of yourself, stripping away our dependence on what we think others want from us. He's written a number of other similar books as well.

    The epiphany for me was: I matter. My happiness matters. It's okay for me to want to be happy - at my core - truly happy. And in fact, I can't really make anyone else happy unless I'm happy with myself. Seems so simple - so obvious - yet it eluded me for 49 years. But the good news is that I'm finding it now... and it's pretty cool.

    Another thing to think about is: what am I prepared to do to be truly happy? If I need to sacrifice my relationship with my wife in order to be truly happy, will I make that tradeoff? If I'm not truly happy myself, can I be the husband that my wife wants/deserves?

    Once I started pondering these questions, initial answers started to surface...

    (*hug*)
    Maxx
     
    #84 maxx, Aug 23, 2012
    Last edited: Aug 23, 2012
  5. tom100

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    Hi Maxx,
    Thanks for the book recommendations, I've just bought Kindle copies from Amazon, so will get started on these.

    This might not be relevant to you, but I am also reading another book at the moment that I think will be a big help in understanding how I ended up as a 'pleaser':
    Difficult Mothers: Understanding and Overcoming Their Power by Terri Apter
    It's very well written and provides a lot of insight into influences on your character in early childhood. I'd recommend it.

    Yup. I believe now that this is the core issue and has to be sorted first. Any messing around with relationship options or 'alternative paths' can't be meaningful until the 'what I want' is clear. So go you - that's great and I'm pleased to know you are finding the answers. I've got a ways to go yet!

    Best,
    Tom
     
  6. Chrissouth53

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    Here's the thing... life is a series of compromises. You compromise to better your kids' lives. You compromise taking a job that isn't exactly enjoyable in order to be able to provide for your family. You wait 30 years to buy your first motorcycle because... never mind, I'm projecting on that one.

    So here is where you need to think about the compromise you need to make. Your wife also has tho think compromise. For her, living without you is the compromise she makes when she divorces you. Or living with a gay may is the compromise for security.

    You have to weigh the pluses and minuses in the compromise to figure it out but to be sure, there are always compromises.
     
  7. Dave1965

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    Holy shit, I came across this thread and for a minute I thought I might have started it. It rings so much like my own experience. Literally. From the 'fuck you straight' honeymoon sex to my wife's raging emotions in a single afternoon of "I hate you" to "I love you" and "why do you seem so distant?". The falling in love with a younger man (in my case, my straight 28-year-old friend with whom I go Jeeping). The feeling of not wanting to ruin our marriage (in my case, and the lives of our two young daughters).

    I don't want to hijack your thread so I guess I should post over in my own. But the long and the short of it is that I feel like my wife is in the driver's seat and I'm just a passenger on this fucked-up roller-coaster ride.

    In any case, Tom I hope you're doing ok over the last five months.
     
  8. PeteNJ

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    Same thoughts as Dave -- there are one hell of a lot us guys in kind of the same boat.

    I can recommend Melody Beattie's book -- Codependent No More. Yes, its partly about people who are dealing with significant others/family with alcohol and drug addictions. For me, it was much more about how hard it is for me to say no, how much I want to be a people pleaser.
     
  9. skiff

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    Hi,

    Similar story here...

    It was a young 26 year old throwing himself at me that brought this to a head for me. I did not reciprocate as my moral code would not allow it (just me,no reflection on other people and their situations). At 54 26 looks great but when you stop looking in the rear view mirror and consider what a long term committed relationship with such a young person would mean projecting into their future it gets you thinking. Caregiver or bailing when the young person reaches middle age and the older person is physically falling apart. Love knows no bounds but either should empathy and wisdom.

    Just my opinion I offer for consideration.

    I too am looking for a means to correct my mistake that minimizes pain for all involved.

    Stuck
     
  10. tom100

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    Hey fellas - I haven't been on EC for quite a while, so only just picking up your posts.

    Good to hear from you all. Support is crucial in this - I just wish we could all meet up for a few beers and a damn good chat.

    It's shit isn't it? A lot of this process hits hard on the self esteem and self worth areas, so finding yourself falling for a guy young enough (ok quite a bit younger) to be your son, just adds to the misery here. You know well it makes no sense and could never make for a happy relationship, but oh my God the feelings are strong. Yes, definitely one of God's little jokes.

    However, I guess that is really a lesser issue, the big one is whether staying in my marriage can make us both happy. For me, the emotional release and opening of my feelings that have been possible through my discussions here on EC and of course coming out to my wife has changed the way I feel, probably also on an unconscious level, so trying to settle down to any sort of 'normal' life now just isn't possible.

    So I am still searching for a way forward that is fair, honest and honorable.

    Tom
     
  11. Kgirl

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    Sorry for hijacking this very male thread :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: But I feel as if I'm on the edge of potentially being in a very similar situation... due to marry my boyfriend of 8 years in a few months. Always felt something was missing but love him so much... Then I met an older woman online who makes me feel something I've never felt before. But as it's only online, I don't know if it is 'real' or not. I wish I had the chance to experiment with a woman... maybe I am just not capable of such feelings when it comes to being intimate with someone :S

    Anyway, I hope you manage to find happiness, whatever that is. :slight_smile:
     
  12. CodeGuy

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    Hi Tom!

    As someone in a similar situation, I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed reading about your journey in this thread. Thank you for all the posts!
     
  13. tom100

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    Hi CodeGuy,
    Thanks for taking the time to write that. It's a tough journey but helped a lot by friendship - and the support here on EC. So good luck to you too.

    Tom