Married, Gay and Lost

Remember what I wrote on July 24? There will be a roller coaster of emotions from her. She will do a lot of research and reading and, unfortunately, a lot of time spend oh "why" instead of "what next".

She should seek professional help in dealing with this, maybe join some support groups. Unless she can talk to someone about this, you will be her only outlet/target and that doesn't help the situation at all.

 

Yes - I wish you were somewhere where you could access some counselling. Your wife would benefit from being able to talk to someone other than you. You can't be each other's support system through this difficult time - you need others to lean on. You have EC, and she has presumably no one other than you.

It's a difficult time for sure, and it will take time for you to settle into a new normal.

Perhaps she senses that you're not sure yourself. Not sure about what the future looks like. Are you staying with her come hell or high water? Or is there the chance that you'll leave to explore relationships with men. (I'm not sure it's possible to do both - stay and have relations with other men.) I don't you know, so she is going to be left feeling very unsettled.

In my case it was my wife who made the decision - it's over. And that terrified me. I wasn't ready. But in the end I think it was the best thing for both of us. As Chip mentioned earlier in this thread, my wife and I managed to maintain a very good relationship - we needed to for the sake of our kids. After a few months I met a wonderful man who was coming from a similar situation and we hit it off. We've been together now for almost 5 years. (We got married 1 year ago.) My ex wife also met someone new and they got married 2 years ago.

So while I know I'm exceptionally fortunate, things can work out in the end for the better.

 

Tom, I'm so sorry to hear you're in such a rough patch! I'm sure it seems insurmountable. Does your wife have any family, even though they're not local to you, that she could rely on? If so, are they aware of the situation? Is there a chance she could move closer to that support system if it exists? For her to be going through this with only you, as both her antagonist and her saviour, seems unhealthy for both of you.

You mention not wanting to be the destroyer of dreams. Dreams are dreams, and reality is reality. What you're both also destroying are your individual chances for authentic realities. I hope this doesn't come off as a directive. It's all so much easier said than done.

Best of luck, as usual, Tom.

55

 

Tom,

I can tell your pain is tearing you apart. Keep believing it will improve. It sounds like your wife is currently in the anger phase of grief. I think that's the toughest one. Hang in there.

You mentioned getting your hands on something she could read. You may have already read it, but here is a link to a thread by Maxx that may be helpful. I would suggest you read the article it links to two or three times yourself before sharing it with her (if you decide to). It's kind of a tough read, but it makes some points I'd never considered. One of my main dislikes about it is the use of the term "queer spouse." It seems out of place to me - too slang for the type of article it is. Oh well.

http://emptyclosets.com/forum/coming-out-stories/67126-article-married-men-coming-out.html

I'll be interested in reading your take on it.

As always,

55

 

Dear Tom,
I just randomly came across this thread as the title looked intriguing.
I personally got nothing to offer as advice
but I recommend you watch the film "Eyes Wide Open"
It's about a married, middle-aged gay man in an orthodox islam community falling in love with a beautiful young man who also came to his life looking for a job.
Kinda echo your story just a bit. The end is sad though.. (sorry..)
Sometimes when my mind is too full of thoughts, it helps to just stop thinking for a moment and do something that calms me down and reminds me of my fleeting existence in the universe. Besides all this, that movie is real touching and inspirational, hope you like it.
And great luck! Your story sounds more exciting than puzzling by the way.

 

It sucks that the fights are so one-sided. When my ex and I went to counseling to try to save our marriage (before I could say the G word), the counselor helped us work on how we communicated. It was very helpful.

I think I might have to rent Eyes Wide Open sometime. It sounds interesting.

I hope you have a calm weekend!

55

 

Tom,

Sorry for my silence. I've been preparing for a new school year and haven't been on as much lately. First day with students is today! :eek:

I'll reply this evening when I have more time.

I'll also see if I can rally the troops for you!

55

 

We're all still here.

I don't think the 'better' relationship necessarily will end if you decide to move on. I think that better relationship is what would allow you to move one and maintain a solid friendship with your wife.

My wife and I have our two young daughters in common, so we have naturally remained close because of them. But it could be that your wife will come to terms with this and be supportive of you moving on. It's hard to say - you're still in the early days.

 

Hey Tom,

Your going to have these ups and downs. It's been over a year for me and I still am in the throws of trying to figure it all out. You know, along my journey I was getting really stressed out about the whole thing and not knowing where my life was going to end up, so one day I just said to myself......nothing has to be done right now, tomorrow or the next day. At that point I started to relax a little and it's gotten a little easier to deal with this turmoil. It's going to take some time to get resolve. For some it happens quickly, for some it takes a lot of time. Only you can figure that out, just be easy on yourself. We may not have the answers for you, but were still here to support you.

 

Tom - you eloquently capture the key dilemma expressed by that article - you love your wife, want to stay with her, but feel the need to be with a man. Society doesn't really have a lot of examples of this, and so for those of us facing this situation, there are no roadmaps... One of the things I struggle with is answering the questions: What do *I* want? What am I prepared to do to achieve that? Am I making my wife truly happy today or am I subconsciously resenting the situation? Am I holding her back?

For myself, I know I'm 100% gay, and that it is my gay side that feels authentic, right - and it is my straight life that feels artificial, a facade. So to what extent do I maintain that facade in order to protect the people I love? And am I really protecting them?

Tough questions, with answers slow to come - but they do eventually come.

As the guys have said, we are here for you. And you should be eligible for Full Member status now that you are over 50 posts - have you applied yet?

(*hug*)
Maxx

 

Tom,

I am not a therapist so take my comments accordingly but know they come from a place that wishes you well

Are you afraid of your wife? When I read you posts I sense that she's really angry and easily heaps blame on you. Like you really have/had a choice. I also feel sometimes her comments border being abusive. You don't deserve abuse, and no one should feel it is justified. Let her fears come to the surface but set a boundary when and if it turns into a destructive rant. Oftentimes we paint a sentimental portrait of our relationships when in reality they are not. Have you ever taken the time to commit to paper the facts of your relations, both good and bad? I have found this brings some clarity and reality to the table and makes decisions easier.

Have you read some of the books suggested by Chip? They are really terrific and can help sorting through many of the issue we face.

Know that we are here for you, no matter what!

Dave

 

It probably seems ironic, Tom, but I'm not sure it is. You've been hiding for so long and that cuts off communication, even if unconsciously. Now that this is out in the open, communication can't help but improve. She finally knows you and you are finally known!

That does make it tough, though, because the deepening of the communication level of your relationship and your desire for that, conflicts with the part of you that naturally wants to have that level of communication, as well as physical intimacy, with a man.

It's all very confusing! I'm not going to profess any great wisdom or push you towards a resolution. You need to figure that out for yourself. As your communication with your wife continues to evolve, both of you may come to realize what the logical next step is for both of you.

What I do know is that throughout my own evolution from marriage to authenticity, which for me meant divorce, I have been able to look back on each stage and wonder why more things weren't obvious along the way. Why did I hold on for so long? Why didn't I come out when I had perfect opportunities? Why did I think staying together would make either of us happy? Why did I think I was her best life partner after I knew deep down that I wasn't? Clarity is elusive, but it does reveal itself though patience, deep thought, honest communication, and much anguish.

Best of luck!

Your brother,

55

 

Clarity is elusive, but it does reveal itself though patience, deep thought, honest communication, and much anguish.

Tim, couldn't have said it better.

Tom, thank you for the opportunity to witness your evolution. You show great courage!