Married, Gay and Lost

Thanks a lot guys for your posts. Good to read as always.

My own feeling also was that it was reasonable to have some parts of your life that are private - as long of course that they are not damaging to the relationship. So it's good to see it reinforced by your thoughts. Although I did bring up the subject of this forum and how it had been a lifeline for me, I didn't actually say what it was, so unless the thumb screws come out hopefully it can stay private. As you say, it would seriously affect posting my thoughts if I had to second guess how she might react to certain things. Maybe later, when things have moved on, I would be happy to for her to read all this.

She tried reading posts on another forum for wives with gay husbands and it freaked her out. There seems to be some rather crazy men out there. So maybe the cut and paste idea would be a good one. Show here her we're not crazy here!

Still having good days and really crappy days. We were out shopping on Monday and in one shop were served by a really cute guy. In our new age of more openness, I guess I felt I had more freedom to admire, but was later accused of 'eying him up'. That was a surprise, I honestly didn't think I'd done anything that obvious. Anyhow, it led on to a whole lot of emotion, tears and accusations. God these stages are tough. I'm sure my soul is bleeding for causing and being the centre of all this pain.

We worked through it though and are good again.

Maxx: yes, you're right. BM would be a step too far for now. I think Monday's incident proved that. Haven't commented when watching the Olympics yet, but will do. Phew... Tom Daley....

Chip: I feel in my bones you are right - and echoed by 55. Not sure how I'm going to deal with that yet.

Bobbgooduk. Thanks a lot. Yup, it's quite a journey - with lots of tunnels!

 

Thanks Chip - I've downloaded a copy of Just Listen from Amazon, so will have a read.

I have come to a few realisations in the last few days:

1. I am beginning to forgive myself. There's been no big eureka moment, but just a growing awareness that I'm ok. I hadn't really understood how much inner turmoil and disapproval there was going on inside my head.
   
2. There was a lot of resentment towards my wife - in the time before the big day - and that has gone. Which no doubt is a big part of why our relationship is for the moment so much better.
   
3. I have come to depend on EC. If I'm not on here for a few days I really miss it. The contact, support and friendship is very important to me right now.

So there are some positive aspects of taking that big step (ok, maybe the last one doesn't belong in this list, but, hey, it's important to me).

(Should we start a new thread for this topic perhaps? Might be good for those guys still in turmoil if we all highlighted some of good things to result from this.)

Tom

 

Hah! Yes, you're right. So I should start a new thread then as this title has had it's day!

---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2012 at 02:15 PM ----------

... and do you know what? The realisation that I have reached a stage where this thread has done its job is a cause for celebration.

So I'm really pleased you pointed that out. Thanks.

 

Hi 55,
I look forward to doing just that. Heck, I'm only at 29 posts so far though!

 

Hey guys, thanks for the encouragement. Through all this turmoil, I would be very happy to know I was helping someone else, even just a little, to cope with the anguish and pain of dealing with this life changing decision.

For me it's been a roller coaster 24 hours of more anguish, tears and questioning. Oh, so many questions... As a typical male (ok nearly), I'm used to fixing things and it's tough not having the answers.

For my wife, two things seem to be big sticking points at the moment;
'If you haven't tried it (gay sex that is), how do you know you can be fulfilled in a straight marriage?' And related to that; 'As a gay man, how do you still seem to enjoy having sex with me?'

Chip and 55's input I guess is relevant here: the analogy of HiFi music compared to the tiny sound of one small speaker. If you haven't heard the former, you can be happy with the latter. There's also a clear Catch 22 here; remaining faithful helps a hell of a lot in the early days, but later you can't answer this question!

And then there's this one:
'I now have to live with the time bomb that one day you'll meet some guy and decide this marriage is not what you want after all.'

I don't really see that that is any different to any marriage (interchange guy/girl) - except in how it relates to the first issue above.

So I think these both really elude to a fear that I am 'going to wonder', which I can understand. And I can see from this how most MOM's that succeed are ones where the gay spouse is permitted to have a side relationship. I've said before that I don't feel comfortable with that and my wife certainly doesn't. But maybe with time we will both soften to that idea. Don't know. It would certainly take away these particular fears.

However, I've read recently about MOM's being successful so long as the compromises reached are balanced between both spouses and that there is still sufficient satisfaction in all or some of these in order to make it worthwhile: good sex life, lots of love, openness, honesty, communication, understanding. Still so much to learn.....

Whatever happens, it will need time. Trouble is we are both impatient soles, used to fixing problems swiftly, so that's hard to start with!

Tom

 

Thanks.

A calm period for now. Haven't come up with any earth shattering ideas, but there seems to be some slow accepting going on. Right now, my wife is happier than she has been for a long time. Not so sure about me though.

A 'long and winding road' perhaps?

 

Yeah Bob, maybe you're right.

Have just been out for a walk with the dog through the woods and been mulling it over, and here's what I've been thinking.

The last few days I've been a bit down, kind of heavy hearted, and I can't put my finger on the reason why.

After the first few days of utter turmoil, I felt quite euphoric at times, a sense of release. I wanted to run down the street waving my arms about and shouting, 'Hey world, I've just come out as gay!'. Never happened of course and as far as I can see it never will. Maybe that's part of it.

Looking back, I can also see that in amongst all the pain and anguish, there was also some excitement. This was something new, something interesting. I know our marriage had drifted into a state of taking things for granted, a bit boring too. So in a way I needed the excitement. We both did actually. Is that what all this is about perhaps? If so, I should just take up parachuting or hang gliding!

I'm not questioning my sexuality here, I know I am gay and am happy with that, but for me at least, the excitement aspect seems to be part of this story.

There are so many layers to this. Life is amazing really, so much to learn. I do think that this is another positive aspect of taking the step to come out to your wife: you do move on to a deeper level of understanding of life and of each other. And that is very rewarding. I have always been a proponent of making changes and facing challenges in life, it is a way to grow as a person. And this sure is another challenge.

All very philosophical, but good to get down in writing. I think I'll take up the journal writing idea - especially as I can't always remember what I was thinking by the time the dog and I get home!

Tom

 

Jim, Hi - good to hear from you. And, wow, so similar experiences.

I felt quite emotional reading your post actually, as my (limited) involvement with my 22yo friend is something I still struggle with. I haven't talked about it recently, simply because I find it difficult to do so. I feel kind of stupid really, no, very stupid, (what feels like) falling in love with someone so much younger. It's crazy. I'm old enough to be his father for Christ sake. It's also hellish complicated; he lives next door and helps out with work on some days, so is around quite a bit. During heated discussions with my wife since coming out, she has brought up the 'attraction that exists' between us (omg, so it's not just me then?), so she is very sensitive to any contact I might have and the whole situation and how to deal with it is very volatile. I'm pretty certain (and my wife is too) that he is gay, but have not managed to get him to open up about it. Although I am trying hard to remain faithful and honest with my wife, I would so desperately like to be closer to this guy - even just for some comfort during this time (though I also don't want to use him or make his life complicated.), but I really have no idea how to do that. For sure there is a connection between us, but the old demon of low self worth always creeps in; he can't really be interested in me, surely? So nothing happens. His close involvement with us both and the close-knit community we live in, makes it a very risky thing to do too. But some days I just ache to hold him. So pathetic...

For the moment, I really can't process the realisation of the love I have for my wife and the different, but also very strong feels I have for my 22yo friend. So thanks for sharing your story, it helps a lot.

It's a mad world.

Tom

 

After some pretty good days overall, last night was horrible.

But before I go on to that, I have been going through a phase it seems of being very emotional and cried a lot. (I know Maxx commented on the same thing.) I get intense feelings of guilt and then self-pity. Pretty shit really.

Anyhow, back to last night. My wife had been researching on the net and come up with a whole lot of stuff looking at problems in early childhood (< 5yrs) which causes big problems with self-esteem and that can then lead to homosexuality in some people. Tends to be the sensitive type, the loner, not keen on contact sports etc. All of which fits with me of course. We were discussing this stuff when it became clear that she thought I 'felt I was gay' but was unhappy about it. Not sure how that happened. So when I explained, no, I know how I am and am comfortable with that, all hell broke loose. Yeah, ok I know I am not good at explaining things and that didn't help. I have always said I didn't ask to be gay, didn't want my life to turn out like this and that I am unhappy at causing all the pain. The subtlety of me coming to accept myself and be happy with that part of it must have got lost somewhere.

So we are now dealing with her feelings of anguish and an overwhelming feeling of being rejected. How do I deal with that?

It's also clear to me now that she really hasn't come to terms with me being gay and is resisting any move on my part to explore it or have any gay contact. Sigh.

So not sure we've made any real progress yet.

Still lost,
Tom