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Married for decades and now realize I’m bi

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Jim32060, Jul 28, 2023.

  1. Philbrum1815

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    I'm so sorry to hear that pal? That must be hard. What are you going to do?.
     
  2. Jakebusman

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    Awesome so happy for you !
     
  3. Maldoone

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    So happy for you. Wow. Brilliant Kz
     
  4. tearingtherose

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    Sounds like a great day, really happy for you both!
     
  5. Lance M

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    Thx all for the positive support. It really means a lot. Wife and I are in better terms these days. She is very slowly coming to terms with my new sexuality. I think we will last. Thx again all.
     
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  6. Jakebusman

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    Do you wanna explore with guys or are you ok where you are at ?
     
  7. Lance M

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    I have been with guys before married. I want to remain faithful bc we have so much history but I think at some point down the road, if we get to a common place of understanding, I would love to be with men again. I love women and men equally.
     
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  8. Jakebusman

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    Bet its hard to keep those feelings locked up
     
  9. Lance M

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    It is hard to keep those feelings locked up so instead I keep myself locked up, lol
     
  10. Maldoone

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    I used to think the same. My openly gay brother (since 1987) said as much would be a good idea when I came out to him 7 years ago. But I'm not him. And now my kids are over 20 and I'm straying. Life is life and love is love. And live. God im so screwd ....
     
  11. Lance M

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    I want to come out to wife as bi. I just don’t know how she will take it. I don’t feel a huge urge to be with a man rn but down the road would love to do it again. Like I have said before, I love both men and women equally.
     
  12. Maldoone

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    Yep. Well I came out all confused and gay. Convinced. After a couple of rather serious falling outs (isn't it wonderful how time softens the sharpness?), and to cut the story short, she suddenly announced that she thought I was Bisexual. I hadn't and still don't know for sure which side of the hump I'm on but I accepted this. Hell, if she accepted it, I'd go with it till something better came along. And here I am, doing that still. There's a well known app that introduces me to all sorts of guys and the old adage of kissing some frogs is true. I haven't met my Prince charming yet but if I keep trying... Lance, I'd love to be sure, one sex or the other, which one is for me? But like you I really don't mind. I'm both and I wonder if the world will ever understand that...
     
  13. Jakebusman

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    How do you think she will handle it ?
     
  14. Maldoone

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    I don't know. I don't mean to be flippant but one thing I learned in the last 7 years is that things don't go the way I thought I'd planned it. I didn't have a plan B and I nearly wound up on the street. Living under a bridge like some troll us not tempting. But you know, I knew that could happen when I came out to her. I just didn't think, or I wasn't thinking because I was all f***d up in my head. Nothing prepares you and there's probably no plan that you can make that will go the way you want. If you feel this strongly you either trust your friends, and your instinct when you chose her - or you stay put. Like I did for all those years. I'm still working my way through it. I kissed another.frog yesterday. Hey ho. My Prince is out there. Seriously, be you. Talk Talk. Life's etc. And a good sense of humour! I taught my kids that. I think they got it..
     
  15. Jakebusman

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    Hope you are doing alright
     
  16. Lance M

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    I’m ok. Just trying to work things out at a slow pace. She is coming along. I think she is staring to understand more and more than I might be bi. She controlled my vibe with her phone as we were walking around town last weeknd. She would change vibe modes and intensity and it turned me on. We are doing well.
     
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  17. Jakebusman

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    Glad things are going well sweetie
     
  18. Lance M

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    Yeah, things are going well. She is doing my lingerie laundry these days too.

    She recently made a new close friend. They go out for dinner and long talks often. Sometimes for 4-5 hours.

    I have noticed when she goes out to meet her new girlfriend that she has a shower, dresses up nicely and wears nice perfume.

    Sometimes I wonder if she is having a lesbian hook-up or it is innocent. Ah. I’m just paranoid bc I hide my XD from her last two years.
     
  19. tallslenderguy

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    How about asking her?

    i grew up in a very non communicative family. Of course, i didn't know that, that was just "normal" for me. i became a bookworm at a very young age and immersed myself in books, a loner, building my own personal closet at the same time. Books were my friends. i remember trying often to engage my dad, but he was very quiet, internalized everything. So, i learned how to read minds. i even bought a book as a kid: "People Reading." Of course, i couldn't 'read minds' at all. i learned how to people read, but that is a very flawed process, as specially when your a teen, tons of projection, so subjective. But again, that was my "normal." Not only did i assume what others thought, i assumed those close to me knew what i thought. It wasn't something i really "though," it was an unspoken presumption.
    When i married a woman at the age of barely 21 (going on 17 maturity wise), i would have these heated arguments with my wife because i assumed she knew things about how i felt or thought... without my actually having spelled those things out. i don't think what i did was all that uncommon, and i suspect it's more common with guys than women?

    So i learned, over time, how to be open and vulnerable, and also how to ask. Which helped on my end, turned out my wife was very self protective and she kept a lot of her thoughts and feelings secret from me, so there was a decided imbalance because she had all the goods on me, and i had virtually nothing. i've been divorced since 2008, and i think it was good for both of us.

    If you are in a relationship where your mate is willing and able to be open, i'd suggest maxing out on that. You've been open and vulnerable with her... she is 'doing' your lingerie laundry. Could you have ever imagined that before it happened? You have opened a door of vulnerability with your mate, i suggest it should be used both ways.