Married but want a gf too

I understand. The old school part changes this. Have you considered seeking therapy or counseling? That can be scary, too. I recommend being careful in selecting therapists. There is no one size fits all solution to this. The work done in therapy needs be suited to the client's specific situation. All of our situations are specific even if we have some things and experiences in common. With the new information you shared, it becomes obvious you can't just jump right in.

 

S

Stuck42

I am "on the other side" at this point. Out to my wife and working on having another person in my life. But, I, went through hell for a number of years. I started to become angry with my wife because I felt she had the keys to my sexuality. That not having a man in my life was, actually, her fault. I started not sleeping and began having some anxiety related health issues. I got pretty bad when I almost stopped sleeping for a couple weeks. I went to a bar and met a man who I almost went home with. Then met a guy on a hookup site. I didn't go with either one. Instead I got some counseling because my anxiety was so bad I couldn't do anything and I was destroying my marriage.

I was, absolutely, convinced that my wife would divorce me if I came out to her. There was no question in my mind that she would freak out. It took me about 3 to 4 months on this website discussing my sexuality and learning to not hate it before coming out. My wife was, actually, quite cool with it all. But, I sure do know what you are feeling.

For most of my life, I'm almost 60, I had to hide who I really was from everybody...even my life partner. I do feel your pain. That hunger and yearning coupled with a sense of foreboding and loss. Not good.

Only you can decide if you should come out to your husband. I waited till I was 35 years into my marriage. There were some great times but I almost let this secret destroy it in the end.

Best.

 

I forgot to add this.

If you are in the US, there is a mental health system in, pretty much, every location. My wife used to run a clinic. No one. NO ONE. was turned away because they could not afford it. Fees were on a sliding schedule. If you have anxiety like I did, you could very well benefit from treatment. At one point, I became almost suicidal over this thing. Twice in my life this conflict you are feeling almost killed me. It's can be serious.

I got some counseling. I'm financially well off. This therapist had a maximum fee that included a "donation" portion so he could offer reduced fees to those that couldn't afford it. There are options out there for you.

 

I have been going to therapy for 5 years, I am fortunate as it is a free service in our territory. The down side is that there is a lot of turn over. I am on my 4th therapist. It is quite exhausting.
My husband and I talk about other women, and I feel like I am walking on egg shells. He has his fantasies, and I have mine and they are different. I hesitate to tell him that I want a relationship with a woman on my own. There was a conversation where he got irritated and said I want a woman to myself, without him. I just reassured him that if we decide to have another woman in our relationship that he will have to be comfortable. I keep telling him that I do not want to hurt him, and even though I am ready, he has to be ready as well.

 

It is so helpful to know I’m not alone. I realized only 10 years ago (I’m 50) I was gay when I fell in love with my best friend. Problem being I’m married, kids, and she’s straight. I long for her, it’s awful. Husband has no clue, I feel inauthentic and lying. I finally told her 2 years ago. She got angry that I’d kept it secret and we didn’t talk for a year. Now, she’s realized gender doesnt matter and she thinks she wants to be with me, but is nervous about the physical side. And, she wants me to make myself free by being honest with hubby before we start anything. I know she’s right, it’s best not to have an affair, even tho she lives far away and so its not like she’s across the street. But, I do need to finally tell him I’m gay. Its not fair to him. But we’ve been married 27 years! And still have kids home. It’s very scary. I don’t want to hurt him, he’ll be crushed. And I dont want him or the kids to hate her. I wish I could have her, and keep my life. But it doesnt work like that.

 

Oh, wow! That’s a lot to deal with. I am currently married and still living with my husband. I’m in love with a woman and planning to eventually be with her. Frankly, the situation sucks. My husband knows about her. He’s sad and we’re all having a tough time. If I got to do it over, I’d have waited until I was separated to get involved with her. Me being married is hurting her and making my life very difficult right now. My almost-girlfriend and I are in love, but I’m not sure we’ll make it through.

 

Thanks for that perspective, it helps. If she knew 100% she was game for both the physical as well as emotional piece of a relationship, then I would have some direction in terms of the conversation I need to have with husband - ie, we need to separate, or we need to find a way to co-habitate given my truth. But she doesnt want to explore the physical aspect until I’m free, and I don’t want to blow up my family for her if she winds up not being able to handle girl sex. Anyhow, what I do know is that I need to be honest with my husband. It just SCARES the heck out of me. Thanks for replying.

 

Hi I'm Rade, I see your open minded, the same as me, but I'm a guy . It's so frustrating when partners/husbands or wives don't see the advantage of open relationships or threesomes. It could really save and spice relationships up. My ex wife said no no no. So she lost a great husband, all because I told her my bisexual fantasys. What a waste, perhaps your husband had second thoughts like my ex wife did. Initially she agreed but no. Both your husband and my ex wife may regret their decisions one day!!
I will not ever take her back and I'm looking just to date guys now...