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married but struggling with sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by maybgayguy, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. kindy14

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    I bit the bullet and destroyed our marriage. I didn't do it the way I planned. I wanted to talk with the therapist more, and some how gently move myself out of our life. Didn't happen that way.

    Cerebral exploring just wasn't enough for me. I followed a similar path, with porn, and getting a little flirty with some guys. I absolutely crushed on the kid who's now my part-time roommate. I can imagine myself in a long term relationship with a guy or a gal.

    Definitely talk everything through with your therapist, and then your wife. The guilt and shame of my first hookup carried with me until we separated. And I couldn't stop thinking about doing it again, and again, and again....

    Be honest with yourself. What are you looking for with men that you don't have now with your wife? (That's what my therapist told me I should have been asking.)
     
  2. SouthernGeek

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    To the Original Poster: I agree with Kindy14. I followed a similar path as Kindy14 and while my marriage isn't dead yet, it's recovering from some really bad choices.

    This site is great because I thought I was some freak that didn't fit in anywhere. Not because I'm homophobic, but because bisexuality can be tough. I definitely love sex with my wife. Yet I can't "turn off" the attraction to guys, either.

    The way I (want to) look at it is this way: If you are 100% straight, there will be women that will make your head turn, yet you can remain faithful to your wife. I think this is possible as a bisexual man, too. Just because a cute guy can make me turn my head doesn't mean I have to have it. Does it? (This is why I'm in therapy LOL).

    I'm not saying that is the way you (or I) will turn out, I'm only saying logically it seems this is doable: remaining faithful to your wife even while being attracted to men. It would be wrong to do this if you are really gay, because you would be living a lie. But if it turns out you want to remain with your wife for the right reasons, it seems like that should be possible, too.

    I'm eager to hear comments from others about what I've said and whether their experience informs them that I'm full of it.
     
  3. bi2me

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    SouthernGeek, I'm going through a similar situation. I think I've posted somewhere, that my struggle is with whether same sex attraction is (for me) something I can't live without acting on or if it is more akin to seeing someone who 'turns your head' of either gender/sex. Right now, I'm landing where you have, but I worry this issue may continue to crop up because (from my extremely limited experience) men and women are probably different in bed. (I realize that was a total generalization and probably not true in all cases)
     
  4. maybgayguy

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    Southerngreek and bi2me...you have captured my thoughts exactly.

    I do think that men and women are different in bed. It isn't so much about the behavior but the main difference is in what turn me (or you) on. No matter how a woman acts in bed...she will still never be a man and THAT is the conundrum for me. My desire just to kiss another guy is just so intense....ugh.
     
  5. ComplicatedSort

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    Sexuality can sure be complex... best I can tell, I used gay (meaning entirely homosexual) as a stepping stone toward the truer-but-harder-to-deal-with understanding I currently have of myself.

    As a kid, I had quite a few same-sex experiences and attractions, including honest-to-goodness crushes. In late adolescence, I dove deeply into the closet and stayed there for long time. This time included multiple marriages to women. Once out, I pursued relationships with other men and am very happy to be married to my husband.

    Yet in the past few years of being out (and it hasn't been all that long in total), I've become very aware of how much I miss at least some degree of physical intimacy with women. My husband is the one man I want to be intimate with, and I'm really grateful it's that way... and at the same time, I also really miss most of the aspects of physical intimacy with women. Any, um, auxiliary material I might encounter online involves women. When my husband and I are out walking or driving and we spot a cute hetero couple, he looks at the guy and I look at the girl... and that's a source of amusement to both of us.

    But such amusement - or whatever one finds online - does not address the deep longing. Sure, "not acting on it" is an option, but what part of me would I have to force into dormancy to do that? I have my husband's understanding and support in trying to find ways to most fully be myself, but I often shake my head and wonder how it could ever happen. Still, at the end of the day, I know whose side I want to be at before dropping off to sleep, and whose side I want to be at as the next day unfolds...
     
  6. doc

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    That is a very touching story ComplicatedSort! Having a partner you can be open with, love and want to be with is fantastic. For people starting out in relationships or willing to re-start it is great. Society has come a long way.

    The OP has that added complication of being in a relationship that doesn't acknowledge the full sexuality of one participant. I'm in that situation too and I think, if the urges are strong enough, there is ultimately no good reason to try to live a fiction. Your wife will eventually know. She may already. My advice would be to find the right therapist and explore your own sexuality internally before taking a physical step or dumping it on your wife - if you feel she is not open to that yet. Eventually you will probably find you want to bring her into your struggles with open communication. She may adjust to the reality of living with a bisexual husband (if that is what you find you are). You may decide to acknowledge but not act on the urges. Or you may decide to act on them - in which case you have to decide whether you have some sort of open marriage or separate. There is a lot of pressure to find out if you are gay and many men have mixed sexuality. Just be careful that pressure doesn't force you to abandon another valid and important side of who you are. Only you can answer the question.
    Best of luck.
     
  7. kindy14

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    Yes, I had been planing to do just this, but living with the lie was getting harder to do after satisfying the urge. I wasn't attracted to my wife any longer, but I'm still attracted to women. And men. And the 18 year old pre-occupying my time right now.

    It was easier living the lie that had become my marriage, for far more issues than my sexuality. My wedding vows to her were the only thing keeping me there.
     
  8. SWburbchgo

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    What I think is most important is that you are aware and seem to be coming to terms with it. It is a process, one which you seem to be taking your own thoughtful pace at. That my friend you will recognize as very helpful as you navigate through who you are and what you want out of your life. I deliberately used the word your life because you have complete control. I threw a flash bomb into my family and there were many different ways to have accomplished the same outcome.
     
  9. AndyG

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    Hello maybgayguy -

    You've received some excellent advice, which is usually the case on these forums. I'm not in a place to offer any concrete advice but maybe consider this as a visit from one example of a "ghost of christmas yet to come".

    I was your age when I got married and had some of the same thoughts as you concerning same sex attraction. I ignored it because more than anything I wanted a traditional family; beautiful wife, 2 kids, a dog, a house, etc. Used gay porn and the Internet to get by when the urge just became too great to ignore. Figured I could hold it all together for the sake of "family". I have all of those things I wanted.

    The DAY I turned 50 I did not speak to my wife or my kids. I ignored all the calls from friends and relatives wishing me a happy birthday. I sat in my office with the door locked and probably had what is classified as a nervous breakdown realizing I just spent the last 25 years building up more shame, guilt and regret than I know what to do with.

    My birthday was 2 months ago and I live for the most part like a zombie - I'm on autopilot and it's affecting my family, my wife, and myself both physically and mentally. I feel like it's too late to come out and not be lonely for the rest of my life and the ability to reconstruct the facade I was hiding behind is completely gone.

    I am in no way saying THIS is your future. However as you seek advice and help with this issue, please consider the affect that doing nothing has had on a person in a similar circumstance.

    I honestly wish you all the best.

    -A
     
  10. bi2me

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    Hey Andy,
    Don't despair... there are a lot of folks on here who have come out post in later life and have gone on to be happy and often partnered up.
     
  11. AndyG

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    Thank you for that! I do understand my fear of loneliness in this regard is a symptom of my severe emotional distress right now. I probably should have said I fear that I don't deserve anything but loneliness.
     
  12. angeluscrzy

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    This is exactly where I find myself. Having been with my gf for 14 years and 3 children together, I have done everything I can to live the life I felt I was "supposed to". Now I feel like I'm falling apart at the seams. She seems to think its more a choice and that I have a commitment. I know I have a commitment and that has been what's kept me here this long. I cannot walk away from my girls. That said, my girls all know and are very accepting and just want me happy. I just wanna be happy and as hard as I try, there's no way to do this without hurting her terribly.
     
  13. kindy14

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    Yeah, I wish I had gone with my original plan to figure out my feelings and then include my wife in that discussion. Don't know that anything would really be different, but it would have been a gentler process I think.
     
  14. Wildside

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    well, if it's about what we wish we did different, I wish I had figured out my feeling before I had even met my wife. but I know that regrets are a trap, so here I am :frowning2:
     
  15. Left of Center

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    I'm in a similar sitch in that I'm in the process of coming out and separating from my wife. I sometimes think that I've associated my attractions with secrecy for so long that it almost becomes part of the identity. Saying "I'm gay" to the few people I've come out to has definitely been weird, but it's helping me separate out the secrecy from the fact that I like guys. As far as the gay/bi question, it has to be what feels most comfortable for you, which may change. I'm not uninterested in women, but I identify as gay because it's overwhelmingly my primary interest....for another person, that might mean they define themselves as bi. Good luck!
     
  16. maybgayguy

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    Thanks for commenting again! It is really great to have this back and forth with people in similar situations. I haven't had any new developments. The past 9 months or so have been really crazy...some really bad things and some really good things. None of it directly related to my issues with my sexuality. It is really amazing to hear all of these experiences from others.

    As far as the bi/gay question, I think you are correct Left of Center. I am technically bi as I am not uninterested in women. That is how I feel I think. I find women attractive. However, I am more attracted to men and think that I would be ok never sleeping with a woman again. The thought of not sleeping with man is really sad to me. Finally, I feel really sexy and confident when I think of myself as gay...not something I feel with women.
     
  17. Masnar

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    Seriously MBGG,

    You could be me.

    I have struggled with my sexuality all my life. From the first encounter with my best friend when I was 13, to some college experiences and then throughout my marriage with the vague desires turning stronger...It is a heady mess. especially since I always was attracted to girls and wanted nothing more than the normal life...

    I feel the same way. It's rough in some ways with that gray area. I have had more sexually adventurous female partners before my wife. I know a few would have been into m2m sex.

    But ultimately, we can only deal with hand we got dealt and picked.

    If you ever want to chat, PM me.
     
  18. intro55

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    Hi, have read through all these post and there so helpful for me. Am in a very similar position to MBGG. I know in my head that I am probably gay but really struggle to accept it. For the most part I do now but I still have my doubts or denials. Also really helpful to see the advice on how to deal with it. I know experimenting isn't the way to go, it would be a terrible thing to do to my wife, but I really don;t think I can live with the desires I have so just have to try to come to terms and be honest I think. In the long term seems like the best option. thanks all.
     
  19. Yossarian

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    Start in front of the mirror and say out loud, "I am gay, and it is OK". Over and over again. When you are driving by yourself, talk out loud when you see a hot guy, and see how it feels to say something complementary to him out loud. Once it feels like it IS ok, you are ready to think about coming out to other people, because the first person you have to come out to is yourself.
     
  20. hanshotfirst

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    Maybgayguy-all very similar posts that I am now going through-even being from New Jersey. I've only come out or even told one person about my thoughts of finally coming out as gay some 22 yrs after being married with 2 great kids. I'm so worried about upsetting everyone's world but really think it's time to fully admit all my attractions to other guys. Keep me posted on how things go