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married but struggling with sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by maybgayguy, Jan 17, 2015.

  1. maybgayguy

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    I just joined the group. I guess I am just looking for others who have/are going through similar situations.

    I have really been struggling lately about whether I am gay or bi. I am married to a wonderful woman and have two great kids. However, I spend a lot of my mental energy thinking about being with other men - both romantically and sexually. I still am attracted to women but it never seems that my mind goes there. This has been building for some time.

    I have been to a few gay men's coming out groups. That felt good but it is difficult to find the time to get to these meetings.

    I have never explored these feelings. I have done online chat/cam but not the real thing. I have set up a profile on a gay hook-up site but now feel so guilty (haven't followed through). I can't decide whether to to explore or not. How can i really tell if I am gay or bi?
     
  2. Richie.

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    I think one knows if they are gay. Something isn't sitting right with your sexuality and that needs addressing. I wrote a similar post 18 months ago. Explore doesn't have to mean you cheat on your wife. How about therapy.

    Don't do anything rash take a moment and breathe
     
  3. maybgayguy

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    Thanks Richie. I am planning on seeing a therapist about all of this for sure. You are probably correct about knowing I am gay before really exploring but there is just something telling me maybe I am not....that denial voice has been there for quite some time though and I guess I should try to quiet it down a bit. I just need someone safe to talk to about all of this. I guess that is why a lot of us come here.
     
  4. Spaceman

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    I believe bisexuality is real, but it's also a mental stepping stone used by many gay people before they can fully admit they are gay. I think most of us innately know if we're gay, bi or straight. You don't have to act on it to know.
     
  5. Nickinthemiddle

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    Hmm. I'm torn on bisexuality. I identified with bi so very long, since tween, and I feel very bad for bi folks because I think they deal with a lot of erasure and bias against them. I felt it keenly when I identified as bi.

    That being said, I am one of the folks who unwittingly did use it as a stepping stone, though I was in denial and didn't know that was what I was doing.

    I think it's kind of like Pandora's box, at least it was for me. Once I got to a place in my life that I just couldn't stop questioning, I could not put it into the back of my mind anymore. I just couldn't keep telling myself I was bi. Once I finally started confronting it and working through it, it was like the point of no return.

    So definitely work on it. You could be repressing full gay, or just questioning. But if you keep questioning, I bet you will figure it out :slight_smile:

    Best wishes to you :slight_smile:
     
  6. maybgayguy

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    Thanks Roses. I agree with much of what you say. I do think that bisexuality is real but then there is the issue of whom one is most attracted to. It could also change during one's lifetime I suppose. I have mainly had gay fantasies and watch gay porn almost exclusively. I have never had a crush on a guy though. I am not sure if that is just suppressing these feelings or what.

    I appreciate your note and hope that all is going well for you.
     
  7. Nickinthemiddle

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    And to you too maybgayguy, I'm so new here to EC and these folks have been a lifeline for me. You will find so much support here, no matter what you find yourself going through (*hug*)
     
  8. Wildside

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    I suppose it doesn't really matter to be certain of the label. when you are, you are. but exploring in ways that the posts have talked about is a good thing to do. the big issue is whether you can stay married to your wife, and whether you can be monogamous. if the answer to either of those questions is no, then you'll really have some issues to work through, I think. (&&&)
     
  9. bi2me

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    Keep talking/writing, exploring, and discovering. Does your partner know about you sexuality/questioning? Like some of the others, I'd encourage you not to cheat if you can avoid doing so, especially before you are ready to handle the consequences.
     
  10. arturoenrico

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    It's hard for me to say what's true for someone else. For me, I've known I was gay since I was old enough to know the difference between boys and girls but I hid from my true self for so long, I didn't even know what reality or authenticity was. I did an expert job posing as a straight guy with a family in the suburbs for a long time. I guess I am bisexual because I had sex successfully with my wife but never stopped fantasying about guys. Eventually, i lost interest in sex and admitted to my wife I was gay, although I never cheated, and she wanted me to leave and that's what I did.
     
  11. maybgayguy

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    Thanks guys--I appreciate the input and taking the time to answer my thread!

    I am working to just call myself gay (although to myself) and letting myself be attracted to other men. The point isn't to pursue anything but to see how comfortable I am in that position. There is a lot of baggage there so we will see how it goes.
     
  12. Wildside

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    Coming out to ourself is the biggest step of all. Good luck! :thumbsup:
     
  13. offmychest

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    hi, if you are physical excited about the notion of being with men both either physically or romantically, then yes, you are most likely a bi or gay man. since you like women, i'd say bi. but the labels and the terminology is not important.

    look bro, you're on gay hookup sites, gay web cams, gay coming out groups, fantasizing about being with men and getting aroused by it. i wouldn't say you're the straight tool in the shed. face the facts. you're atleast bi. whether you are full-on gay, who knows. who really cares. it doesn't matter.

    you are in a relationship with someone and you're married. "exploring" means that you can do it from a cerebral standpoint (which is what you have done) or a physical standpoint (hooking up with a guy)..which you have not done. you are also married.

    hooking up randomly: let's fast forward. you hook up, you get your rocks off. it feels good or feels bad or whatever. what is that going to solve? now you know you like gay sex or gay sex acts or gay romance. it's not like you don't know you'll probably like it anyway because you want it. so odds are you are not going to absolutely find hooking up with a hot guy non-arousing. you may find guilt and shame afterwards, so i say don't do it. it's not worth it. you can do this and keep it from your wife, but let's say you like it. do you really think it's going to end there? No. it wont. you'll get the urge again and it will be a pattern. sooner or later the marriage will fail under that circumstance.

    so if the marriage is going to fail under and downlow cheating framework, then why not explore what you really want and what you really are prepared to do. being gay doesn't mean the act of the sex. it's the longing for the same sex connection in my opinion.

    if you think you will have this longing for the rest of your life and it will make you miserable for not exploring it, then you have to decide to stuff it down into the depths of your soul or eventually fess up to your wife, get a divorce and explore gayness as a single man. i dont think you can have your cake and eat it too. that may sound harsh but it is the reality.

    it sucks that you're married and seemingly not free to do whatever you want to do. but the fact remains that you are in a marriage so you have to honor that marriage or do the brave thing and end it sooner versus later so that you do not drag everyone else down in a cheating situation as you "explore".

    i had a girlfriend and we were very close. i knew i had these feelings but i didn't know what to do with them. i knew i always wanted to explore them too. but i knew i loved her too. i knew that if i got married, i couldn't just check out and do my own gay exploration thing. i decided not to get married. if i did get married and if this was bugging me, i would just have to cut it off. when you are miserable, everyone can see it and it eventually eats aways at the positive relationships you have.

    i am not saying you need to do anything right now. no divorce paper. no big reveal. but before you get physical with a random guy, just think things through. say you hate the sex and you're digusted by it. you will still feel shame and guilt over the cheating that will eat away at you and you'll eventually fess up to the wife. you'll also think "maybe it was just that guy and maybe that's why it sucked and maybe it would be better with someone else" and you'll want to explore again. see what i'm saying. once you open the gay pandora physical box, there's often no putting the lid back on. don't do it.

    take this time to really get to know yourself and what you really want and what you think you are prepared to handle. you won't be able to use your wife as a crutch to help you through the gayness if you decide to explore being gay. you'll be somewhat on your own (unless you develop cool suppport gay groups). just think about it.
     
  14. maybgayguy

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    Wow...that is really great reply offmychest. I agree completely with what you say. There is a lot to ruminate on. I have decided to do two things for now.

    1) Admit to myself that my attraction to men will never go away.
    2) Talk to a therapist about this.

    As far as #1 is concerned, I know it seems small and silly (especially for a guy who watches gay porn, cams and cybers with other guys, visits gay bars every now and then, and has been to a gay men's coming out group...wow that is a lot as I write that). But I at least need to try to let that attraction be ok in my head. #2 seems essential.
     
  15. skiff

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    Hi,

    You know the answer, all people do gay or straight, but society does not program anything but straight, which can make coming to terms with altered sexuality difficult.

    You know the answer. Ask the question to yourself and sleep on it.
     
  16. CubbieBlue

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    I think talking to a therapist will be great for you. I was/am in a similar situation. Maried to a beautiful woman and have 2 kids. Love my family, so it was hard for me to admit I liked men, even though I watched porn and only looked at the men. Now, just like yourself, I watch gay porn exclusively. Would love to be sexual with a man. Therapy helped me espress and admit that, and it helped me identify as bi. Bi because I also can't deny that I absolutly love women. I'm attracted to absolutely everything about them, but I'm attracted to hot guys too. Does your wife know? I told my wife and she suggested therapy herself. We're work g things out. She even came with me to buy a toy for when I'm in the mood
     
  17. CyclingFan

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    That's the process I've been going through, and my therapist has been essential.
     
  18. offmychest

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    hey no problem man. hope it helped. you are exactly on target. you can do all the "gay related" things and still not accept that you have the attraction. or worse yet, you can hate yourself for the attraction and associate anything gay with being flawed or a mistake or "bad". i know because that is how i behaved for a long time and i'm just starting to come out of that. denial is so strong that i would go to gay clubs and be the "straight observant". meaning that in my mind, "i was still straight and not like these "gay guys" or i was just "exploring" but i was still "straight" and this was just an experiment of sorts. you have to really ALLOW yourself to think a guy is hot or attractive and not feel shame or guilt or bad because you feel that way. sometimes to help me feel better about myself, i would tell myself to go and do XYZ and if you saw a guy that was hot there, just ALLOW yourself to be ok with the fact that he was hot. not to judge it as bad. just accept he is hot and that you are attracted or turned on by him. this in and of itself was a bi deal for me. yes, definitely try therapy too. good luck man. :slight_smile:
     
  19. womaninamber

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    I can relate to your post in a lot of ways - I watch lesbian porn, have been to lesbian coming-out groups, have tried to cyber with women quite a while back before cams were popular, though I had little success and the internet being what it is the couple of people I talked to very well may not have been women. And my feelings for women were part of why my marriage broke up, though there were other very strong factors there.

    But I still insist to myself that I'm straight and just want attention, and say I'm only attracted to women in fantasy but not in real life, and remind myself of all the guys I've been with (which are not that many actually but anyway...) I'm so confused I don't know what to do.

    But it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and are thinking clearly about this. I hope you find the peace you need.
     
  20. maybgayguy

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    Thanks again everyone. That idea that offmychest notes about ALLOWING myself to be attracted to men is what I am working on. Not judging it but not pushing it either. I always am super worried that I will become attracted to a straight guy. This isn't a rational fear as I would never hit on them. I hit the gym quite a bit and that place can be stressful...lol. The few times that I have been hit on at the gym I get really nervous and it feels totally awkward. Then afterwards, I think about it for weeks.

    I must admit that today I saw the perfect guy there and the attraction bells certainly went off. I wasn't even thinking about it too much but it just drew my attention. Maybe that is a step.

    Womaninamber...we sound the exact same except, well our orientations/genders are the opposite. Good luck to you!!