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Married but in love with my girlfriend! Advise pleasssee!

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by SweetT80, Jul 10, 2020.

  1. SweetT80

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    Let see if I can break this down with out a long post. Im 39, married to a man 11 years, 2 kids aged 9 and 6.

    3 years ago I realized I liked woman more than just platonically. I lusted over a friend and my husband found out. He outted me to her husband and our friendship ended. Nothing more than a peck every happened but the loss of our friendship devastated me. Went to counseling. Worked on my marriage thought I was "better".

    Decided with hubby that I could have a girlfriend. Meet her via ###### and the gym"She worked out at the gym I teach at."
    We've been seeing each other 1 year and since Covid I fell in love with each her. She also has 2 kids around my kids ages. Divorced from a woman 12 yrs ago.

    My hubby is an amazing father and provider but we have never matched sexually. NEVER. Ive had several talks about it and counseling as stated before. The love making with my GF is explosive and hours long. I even love her flaws and I do see them. I enjoy all my time with her. Shopping, the talks, etc.....She is all I want to be with. She has helped be genuine and not put on a show to appease others.

    Problem is I'm a stay at home mom. I have a masters and worked till we moved a few yrs ago. Im back in school for a 2nd masters in school counseling. I don't have a pot to piss in! I feel im living a lie now. I've grown tremendously personally! Friends can see my change in attitude. I've figured out what makes me tick at almost 40.

    I want to divorce. I need advise on how to go about this. I don't want to hurt him but realizing Im more lesbian that bisexual right now is real! He is trying to hang on to the marriage. There are other issues that we keep going around and around about.

    I feel lost! My family is bible belt Christians and have no clue I feel this way! Any advise or insight is appreciated!
     
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  2. silverhalo

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    Hey that's a nice tough situation. Once you have finished your studies would you be in a position to get a job and support yourself fully?
     
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  3. SweetT80

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    Yes. I have applied for a few job now. I already have a masters. Thanks for responding. Situation is tough. Don't want to hurt him or my kids!
     
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  4. Nic2552

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    How does your girlfriend feel about everything knowing your married ? Does he allow you to spend time with her ? He probably is in denial and doesn’t want to let you go.
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi :slight_smile:

    Would it help to write a list of everything you need to do in order to get to where you want to be and from that plan how you will achieve those things?

    With regards to hurting your children, they will likely adapt easily. Just factor them in to your decisions and explain things in a way that they can understand. With your husband, I think you need to have a conversation and be clear about what you want. You might want to do some research first. If you stay together and resentment builds, there will only be more hurt for you all in the long term.

    Have you discussed this with your girlfriend? Does she want more commitment?
     
  6. SweetT80

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    Yes he allows me to spend time with her. We opened up our marriage so I could explore my bicurioius side. She became more than just a "special friend". My husband works most weekends and that is when we spend the night at each other's houses with the kids. He is in denail as I told him im not sure about staying married. He is now trying hard to keep me by doing things I've begged him to do for the past 5-6 years.
     
  7. SweetT80

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    Thanks for the tip on writing it out. I'll do that. My GF wants me to be hers. She said that she didn't mind sharing if he valued me and treated me better. Its a tricky situation. Open relationships have there pros and cons!

    I bought the book "Married to a man, but in love with a woman" to give me more insight.
     
  8. Nic2552

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    Open relationships can also get complicated as time goes on because of jealousy. It may work for some people but you need to make the right choice for yourself. Who do you see yourself with in the long run, who do you have that connection with and can please you emotionally, sexually..etc, ask yourself questions. You might already know the answer but is afraid to make the choice you want.
     
  9. SweetT80

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    Very true. Its her..easy choice....My hubby is like a big brother. Never been sexually compatible but I have great laughs with him and vacations. I feel so free with my girlfriend. No judgment, soooooo much passion, emotional connection and understanding.
     
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  10. Nic2552

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    I see and you may not want to ruin that connection with him ? Usually in this type of situation once you leave , it also will break his heart and things will change and it may be he may need space. Until he finds someone who can Match him on an emotional and sexually level.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    Staying together doesn’t necessarily guarantee that you will maintain this connection either. If resentment grows or one party is miserable, for example, then it could be unpleasant for everyone.

    If you have a good relationship and communicate well, then you might be able to maintain a friendship, but it is a tricky situation to navigate.

    He won’t necessarily need a new partner to recover, not everyone does.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Regardless of the decision you make that won't hurt your kids they are remarkably resilient. What they need most is a loving caring mother who is happy. I'm not telling you what to do but sometimes short term heartbreak is better than long drawn out misery.

    How are you doing?
     
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