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Married bi and usually happy but...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Indalo, Jul 22, 2019.

  1. Indalo

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    Hello,
    This is my first post in this site.
    The other night I watched a very touching documentary "Out", about young people coming out to their close ones. I found it very interesting and was very moved, -in tears actually, by the end. It reminded me there's something not quite right with the way I am handling my current situation, and started to get really anxious and feel unsettled. I stated to look in the internet and found this amazing website. So thank you for letting me express myself and for reading this probably quite long post.
    I have known for many years I am bisexual. I would say I am a "fluctuating bisexual". I have had partners of both sexes, but mainly women. I have always had the feeling I needed something else when I was with either gender, regardless of how fulfilling sexually my relationships might have been.
    At some point I accepted I am entitled to change my feelings and to my own contradictions. I love sometimes being with a woman I fancy or love, sometimes I love being with a man I fancy or love. And often I don't tell most people about this.

    I am 48 years old. I have been married for two years with a woman I love. I had met her some 10 years before, we had a romance, and then after several relationships with other people we decided to meet again and give it a try. We ended up marrying quite quickly, trying to accelerate the process of joining our lives. She has a 14 yr old daughter and they are planning to come live in my country in about 2 months.
    My wife knows I have had relationships also with a few men, and we half joke about that part of me, but she has clearly told me she prefers not to talk about it, and it repulses her to think of me with another man. We get on very well sexually, and we love each other. And yet I still feel attraction for some men, specially when she's away. I decided at some point that this bisexual part of me could happen just by myself, fantasising or watching men on internet. I haven’t actually had any sexual encouter with a man for more than 10 years.

    I want to try a life with my wife, but I feel we can't talk much about "that part of me" because it worries her and makes her insecure. She fears I can go with a man at some point (or with another woman for that matter!...yes she's a bit jealous).
    SO, in one way I feel I have to censor myself in order not to hurt her (we can joke if I like a guy, but then I can't talk too much about it as she starts to get tense). I wouldn't like to be dishonest with her, and also I don't want to destroy our marriage, but sometimes I do have a real crush on a guy, and I would love it if "something" happened…

    I suppose I am not alone in that we cannot have it all. My wife gives me the stable security I haven't had for most of my life, and she makes me feel a man and a better man. And yet I am not sure if I will be able to be faithful for my whole life, because part of me feels incomplete.
    I really fear that people notice my desires before, and hate that they might think I am a gay man in the closet. Nothing wrong with that, but I am bi, not gay! I don't want them to think I am repressing something, (although that is the reality!). I would like to live my sexuality in a healthy way, naturally. What is wrong with liking women and men too? I feel I have been very misunderstood, and that my sexual orientation sometimes feels unresolvable. Will I always live with this conflict?
    I don't know if I should empty my heart with my wife for fear she might change her mind and not dare to leave her country and live with me. I don't want to add on her many problems and I understand she is already under a lot of pressure about her leaving her life in her country, far away. On the other hand I don't want to hide that part of myself and keep acting as if I am just straight like I've done for my entire family so far, as I am tired of hiding and pretending. I tend to be natural about appreciating the beauty of a man if the topic comes up, and with certain close friends I am very open about it, since some of them know I have been here and there.
    I don't feel I am represented by the LGBT community, as bisexual people are difficult to identify, and part of the issue with bisexuals is we fear to be rejected by both heterosexual and gay people. We are mistrusted, as if we always hid something, or as if we weren't capable of real love. And I don’t think I’ve ever talked about these issues with other bisexual men, because most of us don’t show it, and because it’s not something you talk about openly with people you don’t know.
    I have feared to end up being alone because of this.
    And now I feel an enormous amount of responsibility: my wife is leaving her whole life behind to come and live with me in my country, with her daughter. If our relationship happened to fail, it would be very hard for them to go back, and we are not sure we would have the financial resources to reestablish them back in their violent, poor country.
    I want this to work but feel pressure and fear.

    Sorry for my long message, but I found it difficult to be short about this, being the first time I write openly about it.
    Many, many thanks for reading, and many thanks in advance for your support. I would appreciate if someone throws some light into my mixed feelings and my confused mind.
     
  2. TwoFeech

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    Hello Indalo and welcome.

    I don't know about throwing light, but there are some patterns in your post that you might explore. You could come back and read your post to yourself again in a few days and try to view it as if someone else had written it, see what you find out about your situation.

    It might be an English as a second language thing, if your native language is French, but in American English "I'm going to try" to do whatever is sometimes a red flag, because it leaves an option for the person to then say, "Well, I tried, but it didn't work out" or "guess I'm not going to do that after all."

    So you have conflicting wants. And you'd like it if something happened--to you, rather than by your choice. It would be handy to have a temptation or outside force to lay the blame on. Such as, an irresistible guy came onto you. Is that right? Because if you believe there is such thing as an irresistible temptation, and you want to be tempted, you are going to put yourself into positions where you will be tempted, and then you might say you can hardly be blamed for what happened. You have a series of choices to make, and they are choices. They are not just things happening. There is no such thing as an irresistible person, unless he's like a mind-controlling supernatural vampire or something. If you're sending out signals to other people that you might like something to happen, somebody might send signals back, and then you are playing with fire. Do you want that?

    So she's insecure and jealous, and she has a good reason to be. You are pondering being unfaithful:

    So it seems that you think that being unfaithful might make you feel more complete. That's something to mull over, especially since your wife also makes you feel more complete, and unfaithfulness is damaging to marriage.

    It will not sustain itself on its own. It will "happen" to fail if you do not work at it and protect it. What are you willing to do, despite your dissatisfaction, to make this a fulfilling, safe partnership that works? What is your wife willing to do? These are things to think about, not things you have to answer in this thread. What matters most is between you and your wife, and what the two of you owe to her (now yours, too) daughter.

    How are you willing to develop the satisfaction you need, make yourself healthier and the relationship stronger, without resorting to cheating and lying?

    As you said, you do have an enormous responsibility, and enormous responsibilities are frightening. Have you explained this to your wife and asked her to support you emotionally in this?

    I don't know what you have in France for marriage counseling but in the US we'd recommend a couples and marriage counselor for yourself alone and for you and your wife together. Perhaps also family counseling to include the teenager.

    Edited to add: by the way, your post subject says you are "usually happy". Being "usually happy" is pretty great. Does the "but" part of that subject header really outweigh the "usually"? I identify with watching something that touches an unexplored or unsatisfied part of you, and that movie caught you at a vulnerable moment, when you're worried about the impending difficulties of your wife and child moving in with you. Now is the time to make a conscious commitment. And then keep re-making it and rebuilding it.
     
    #2 TwoFeech, Jul 22, 2019
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2019
  3. nerdbrain

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    Hi Indalo,

    Your post really spoke to me. I am in a similar situation, except that I have already been married and divorced. But I miss my ex-wife every day. We are still close and I often wish we were back together, but I know there is this "other part" of me that seems to want something else.

    I don't have any advice for you. I still feel conflicted all the time. I date mostly women, but have recently started dating trans women as well and am slowly starting to experiment with guys again. I wish my sexuality wasn't such a constant problem for me. I'm in therapy but it seems like there is never enough time to say everything that is on my mind.

    Anyway, good luck and keep posting. Sometimes it helps just to articulate what you are feeling and read about others in similar situations. You are not alone.
     
  4. Nickw

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    Hi Indalo

    I'm a married to a woman bisexual. I came out to my wife after 30 years together. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote.

    Yes. There was a part of me that felt a bit unfulfilled for all those years of being a monogamous married man. But, it was more a fantasy than a need. I never really wanted for a man even though I would often admire them.

    When my wife lost her sex drive at menopause things changed. TBH, with my strong libido, being bisexual may have, actually, saved my marriage. My wife is cool with me having a boyfriend. In fact, he spends the weekends, often in our guest house.

    Now, at sixty, I have the opportunity to explore that part of me.

    I understand your wife's concerns. But, being bisexual, you can choose not to act on your desires. That said, your desires are a part of you and it will be sad to hide that from your wife as I did for so long.

    Communication is so very important. I think letting your wife know your love for her is the most important thing in your life but you need your sexuality to be a part of your marriage is reasonable.
     
  5. Indalo

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    Many thanks for your thoughts and observations. Very helpful.
    I will give some thought and as you said I will read again my message in a few days, seeing it more coldly.
    Some of what you say it’s difficult still to see but I need to dig into those issues.
    Very best wishes

    any thanks