Thankfully, I have a really great relationship with my husband, who is 100% supportive of me during my questioning journey. I've always assumed I was straight, until a party last month where I got drunk and made out with a chick. I realized then that I really liked making out with her - she was a great kisser - and that I had a crush on her. It has sort of spiraled from there, and I started to think back on all the times that I've had crushes on girls in the past, the times I thought I was in love, etc., and now I think I might be bisexual. Brief background: I'm a pretty aloof person, so I guess it's not surprising that I haven't ever thought about these things until I turned 25. However, I've had lots of crushes on girls that I'd never thought about until these feelings surfaced about the girl I actually kissed. I even remember having a crush on a girl when I was 6 that I forgot all about until recently. I would say that the ratio of my boy crushes to girl crushes is at least 4:1. However, I figure I shouldn't discount the 1. For me, it's just a matter of figuring out what this means for me. Am I still straight? Am I bisexual? I don't know how to answer this question yet, but I suppose the roadblocks in my way include the fact that a. I'm married, and b. I'm 25. I feel like this shouldn't be a question at this point because I chose my partner, who's a male, and I'm also not a teenager anymore. I'm very happy in my marriage and I'm not looking for anything outside of it. We were both each other's firsts, and after a lot of discussion we decided that we wanted sexual experiences with other people, BUT that we wanted to explore together. This was a discussion we'd had a long time ago, and I wasn't looking for this girl at that party. She actually found me, and I was really drunk and totally ok with it. My husband wasn't upset, he was actually really happy to watch, ha ha. Anyway. It shouldn't be a question, but it is anyway. And I know no one else can tell me, so I'll have to figure out whether I'm bisexual on my own. I guess I'm just wondering if anyone else has gone through this. If anyone else here has gone years without realizing that they were bisexual or gay, and if anyone else here only realized it after being in a committed relationship. Luckily, as I mentioned before, my husband is totally understanding and only wants me to figure myself out for my own sake. He's also not looking to be involved in any lecherous way, which makes me really comfortable and it's been easy to talk with him about it. While I'm figuring this out, I just wanted to hear from people who have been there and done that. I guess I just don't want things to change in our relationship. So, yeah. Please let me know your experiences. Is it ok to not understand your sexuality until after you're married? Did it perhaps affect your long-term relationship or marriage? How did you know without the complete freedom to explore? Don't get me wrong, because we've made the decision to have group sex one day I am free in a sense. But I still believe in being honest and will not ever, EVER do anything outside of my marriage without my husband being ok with it. I'm also not quite ready to experiment because when we tried hanging out with that chick from the party later on it didn't go so well, and I have since retreated back into my shell. Thanks in advance for any comments, I look forwards to hearing from you!
Welcome to EC! Sorry if we (collectively) don't have much to share with you. We do have people questioning their sexuality later in life, and we occasionally have some who are married. But it's pretty rare when we have a partner who is this understanding. So definitely cherish that. As far as what to do now, I guess that's up to you. You might just take time to get used to the idea. Maybe fantasize, read up, watch porn if you'd like. Get used to how it feels on "that side of the fence". Maybe at that point, you can decide if you'd like to explore it any further. Lex
Hi and welcome. It is totally okay to not understand your sexuality until later in life, and even after you've gotten married. I myself didn't acknowledge or accept that I wasn't straight until I was in my early 30s, and we have members here who figured things out in their 40s, 50s and even 60s. So 25 is not even really that late, from this perspective. I can also very much relate to what you're describing about going back in your mind and realizing that you had crushes on girls when you were younger. I think for those of us who can be attracted to both sexes, that can be part of the reason it takes so long to eventually figure out our identity - in my case, anyway, I was able to "hide" the same-sex attractions behind the fact that I genuinely was also attracted to guys. This is further facilitated by the fact that in our society, bisexuality is often ignored or treated as something that doesn't really exist. As for whether this should be a question even though you're happily married to a man, in my opinion, it still makes a lot of sense that you would want to figure this out and understand yourself. Sexual identity is a big part of who we are, whether we ever get the opportunity to act on parts of it or not. Just because you're happily married doesn't mean that you shouldn't feel the need to fully explore your own mind. In fact, for a lot of bisexual people, this becomes even more important within a heterosexual relationship because it's so easy for others to assume that they're straight. I know in my case, being queer - and therefore outside of the mainstream, the ordinary, the predictable, etc. - is a very important part of my identity, and if I happened to find myself in a hetero relationship I would want others to understand that I still identify as queer. That may or may not be the case for you, but even if not, it is certainly understandable that you would want to know and understand yourself well. And I agree with Lex that it's wonderful your partner is so understanding.
Hey welcome to EC, im not in the same position as you but I thought I would try and add my thoughts. I didnt work out that I was gay until I was in my mid 20's so I dont think there is anything weird in not realising till you were 25. I think if I was bisexual rather than gay and had been attracted to a guy then I could easily have been in a committed heterosexual relationship before discovering my attraction to girls. I think you are lucky that your husband is so accepting.
You are very lucky your husband is understanding. Mine was not. Our marriage was dying a slow death and I guess I pulled the plug. I wasn't looking for anyone but stumbled upon her and she turned my world upside down. Long story short - my divorce was final about a month ago. I'm so happy and miserable at the same time. So happy I met her and she's in my life and miserable because my ex husband outed me to my kids. Thankfully my daughter is coming around but my relationship with my 20 year old son, I fear, is really, really damaged. She and I are in a long distance relationship at this time and we will be seeing each other in March for the 3rd time in 5 months. I'm glad I found this site.
Thank you guys. It's good to know that I'm not alone, and that perhaps I make sense. I know I'm very lucky and I'm really sorry, Colcha. I hope it gets better from here.
I was in my mid 30s before I finally came to terms with my orientation. I was happily (in many respects) married to a wonderful woman and we had 2 kids - but I was miserable too. And I'm ashamed to admit that I did cheat. I don't believe I needed to in order to figure this out - but that's in hindsight. So it's not unusual at all to get to where you are and then start to question yourself. Take the time that you need. And hang out here because talking about it helps.
