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Married and kinda out

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by wolfgang1989, Jul 9, 2011.

  1. wolfgang1989

    Regular Member

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    Greetings, Im a 39 guy that lives in florida. I have a great job and live a fairly good life except for one thing, Im married and bi or gay. Now todayI consider myself Bi but Im not really sure. My whole life I have been attracted to guys as far as I can remember. I come from a small town in New England and grew up in the 70s and 80s where being Gay/Bi was not accepted at all. In fact, back then i really didnt know anyone gay growing up.
    As a kid i had low self esteem, really looking back, low self esteem existed for me until my late 20s early 30s. So, i didnt really have any girlfriends even though I was attracted to girls.

    About twelve years ago I met my current wife through a mutual friend. Before her I never really had a GF and certainly not a BF. I fooled around w a boy when I was in my early teens. But nothing serious. Getting back to the wife. we moved in together almost immediately. about 5 years ago we got married. Now like I have read on other posts here. I started with gay porn (once the internet was prevalent) this is totally showing my age. I chatted with guys online. Never met any or did anything. I always stuff my gay feelings over and over.

    Last november i turned 39 and had what i am calling a midlife crisis. I realized im living a lie and not happy at all. Not only am i attracted to guys and cant express myself but i also married a women that was verbally abusive, i did everything in the house, brought in all the money, cooked, cleaned, dishes everything. We have no kids which is a blessing.

    During this midlife crisis i had I started talking more serious to a few guys online. I really wanted to meet and experiment to see if my feelings for men were real. I found a younger guy and we hooked up safely. I will not go into the details but i realized at that point that I totally like being w guys. shortly after I met another guy who I kinda fell for.
    For him it was not mutual but I we became very close friends. we talk to each other every day. Last Feb. my wife went out of town for two weeks. during that time, my new found friend spent almost the whole week with me. for me, this was freedom. I could express myself in anyway i wanted and i did not have the abusive women with me. I decided that week to also attend therapy. This helped a lot to work through my feelings that i was having and to help bring me to the point where i would be able to get out.

    The plan was when she returned i would tell her that i wanted a divorce and wanted out. I had several friends supporting me at that time. I came out to many of my very close friends and even to my sister who were very supportive. they all just wanted me to be happy. So, after a few days of returning, i told her that i wanted a divorce. I said i was not happy, that she was abusive and that I was attracted to men and women. Even though that was true i regret now saying that because it would have been easier to just say that i was gay.
    there was a lo of crying and whys that happened over several days. i had stuff packed in case i needed to leave but we decided that i would stay. We attended therapy sessions together to discuss what was happening.
    So since Feb. we are still living together, we kind of agreed that I would stay until her business picks up and she can support herself. she would also attend her own therapy.
    she did attend therapy and there has been no abuse at all since the discussion in Feb. She has improved a lot and i am proud of her progress. the business is doing better but still not enough to support herself. I pay all the bills.
    So, now i sit at home writing to the world and still not able to live my life. I have found several guys that I would actually date but i am prevented from doing it because of my situation. I also, dont like to even be in the same house with her. I have no interest being with her.
    so here is my downfall, im way to nice, im a people pleaser and dont like conflict at all. so i avoid it. I am simply avoiding the fact that i need to just leave. I have talked to an attorney and because i live in Fl there i would not be required to give alimony to her. However, she has brought up the fact that she feels that she is entitled. I wouldn't mind helping her out but certainly not 50%. she has a college degree and is able to work.
    There are many more items i left out. I am totally an open book and open to suggestions, criticisms and advice. I decided during this midlife crisis that i wouldnt hold back.
    Now I know i have cheated on my wife and many will criticize me for that. I have not told her about my extra curricular activities and with the advice of my therapist i have decided not to.
    Thanks for reading and cheers :slight_smile:
     
  2. wolfgang1989

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    Also need advice on how to meet guys lol.
     
  3. Lexington

    Full Member

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    Welcome to EC!

    I guess my main thought is this. You've agreed to stay "together" - meaning in the same house - for now due to financial concerns. But I don't see any reason to stay married. It seems the marriage is over and done with, so why not broach the idea of getting the marriage annulled so you can both go on looking for other people? At that point, you'll have something more of a roommate than a wife, and that should be less of a burden when it comes to looking for a boyfriend or hook-up. Yes, you'll still be living with your ex, but I can't tell you how many gay guys are stuck living with their ex-es due to financial reasons. :slight_smile:

    It may be that asking for the annulment will cause her to start demanding alimony. And at that point, it'll be up to you to decide on a figure that's fair. Remind her that the money can either stay between you two, or you can split it among you two and your lawyers, but it nearly always comes out better (for both of you) if you keep it between you two. :slight_smile:

    Lex
     
  4. feelindown

    feelindown Guest

    hi wolfgang. you are married and you are still living with this woman/your wife. you did not mention anything about divorce proceedings. so really right now i do not suggest that you start dating and hooking up with men until a formal or informal separation occurs. you need to move out or she needs to move out. you need to file or decide if you are going to work it out. adding someone else to the mix especially a new found gay relationship is only going to confuse matters. end this relationship before you start trying to get into another one. right now just start working with your therapist on accepting your feelings. being into guys is more than just physical, you are going to have to come to terms wiht all your inner demons before you can be good for anyone. best wishes.
     
  5. wolfgang1989

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    I totally agree with you guys. divorce is simply the best course of action. Im just scared to tell her and make it happen. I do agree that i probably should not be involved with anyone. I appreciate the input