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Married and in the closet

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Runningmanvb5k, Dec 6, 2016.

  1. Runningmanvb5k

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    Am married for many years and have had great life. That being said I also know I am missing truth in who I am. It becomes more and more of an internal issue. Is it logical to keep everything as is? Is it stupid to feel I lost out on a lot? I find myself questioning - do I do something about it other than looking at gay porn on the internet? Feeling lost and leading me to lose myself in other ways - as in I drink to much. Any feedback is appreciated on how a married man has dealt with this.
     
  2. hexamum

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    Welcome to EC!
    Firstly, I can't comment on the guy stuff...but I can on other things....
    I'm married. I have kids. My brain suddenly went on to overdrive and my sexuality issues became bigger than the box I had them tucked away in.

    I guess you have to ask yourself a few questions.
    Are you in a happy relationship? Do you love and desire your wife? Are you gay or bi? Do you feel the need to act upon your gay thoughts?
    All lead to whether you are happy as is....or whether you plan on coming out.

    Be prepared for a mixed up mind until it all comes together like a jigsaw x
    And keep posting....asking....chatting.
    There's some fabby people on here who can offer way more insight! X
    *Hugs*
     
  3. I'm gay

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    Hi Runningmanvb5k,

    I'm 48 years old. I've been married for 20 years and have 2 kids. My story is here if you want to read it: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/219546-coming-out-47-a.html

    As to your specific questions -

    Is it logical to keep everything as is? That depends upon a lot of things, but most importantly is whether your life as it is now is more important to you than you living the authentic life you know you are missing. How is your relationship with your wife? How is your sex life?

    Is it stupid to feel I lost out on a lot? No, it's not stupid. Most of us later-in-life folks feel like we've missed out on a lot. You may have to face the fact that you have missed out on some things. That doesn't mean you can't have a great and authentic life for whatever time you have left on this Earth. The longer you wait, though, the more you will feel you are missing.

    Do I do something about it other than looking at gay porn on the internet? Is gay porn the only thing that makes you question that you might be gay? If so, that's a really bad indicator of sexuality. Anyone can get turned on by visual images regardless of orientation. Do you fantasize about guys when you masturbate without porn? That's a better indicator. No one here can tell you if you should do something about this other than continuing to fantasize about guys. This is something only you can decide. I don't recommend cheating on your wife to "test" yourself on whether or not you are gay.

    Alcoholism and drug abuse are very common among closeted gay people. Depression, anxiety, and a host of other issues surround the difficulties of hiding in the closet.

    So, how did I deal with this? I came out of the closet in June and separated from my wife December 1st. We will divorce at some point in the near future.

    But, that's me and not necessarily you. I had reached a point where I could no longer live this hidden life and I could no longer contain it. I just had to come out of the closet - it became an imperative for me.

    Please keep reading here on EC and keep posting with us. Just know that you are not alone.

    Take care. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
  4. Adray

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    My situation is a little like yours - I'm married and not straight.

    I figured out that I'm bi, and I've known for 30 years. My wife has known pretty much since she's known me, although I wasn't out except to her and the LTR girlfriend before her. My wife is supportive as long as I don't go outside of our relationship in real life. But yeah, porn is okay (she watches with me sometimes, too), and we do pegging. So I'm happy and remain married, and still very bi. I think that kind of outcome is possible if someone is truly bisexual, still very turned on by their spouse, and supported by their spouse.

    If someone is gay, it's a different situation. Still possible to have it work, but I don't have any experience firsthand.

    I would encourage you to do reading, posting, etc., and try to define your personal sexual orientation. That will be helpful.

    And one definite boundary is extramarital sex. It works for some, but proceed with caution, once you've gone there (if cheating), it's a different situation. You have time. Read, post, look for resources, perhaps counseling... find the real you, if you can, first.
     
  5. baristajedi

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    Welcome to EC. :welcome:

    I came here feeling so many of the same things as you, and looking for my truth. Everything you feel is normal and I think many of us on here understand. Keep posting. It has helped me a lot in finding my path.
     
  6. Runningmanvb5k

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    Thanks for the feedback -much appreciated. Much to deal with and address - not sure how or where it will lead me but know issues need to be addressed!

    Thanks
     
  7. Offthegrid

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    Hi all. I found this site and have the need to reach out . I've seen similar issues as married man of over 20 years. She knows I'm bi and not active. Did some peg a long time ago a few times but all that is over. No intimate activity here all and no interest either. That ship sailed... Though I dig the ladies. As for men the least I would like to develop intimacy and share/discuss our intimate/erotic experiences. As for hooking up time and ethics are road blocks and where do you go to find another mwm in the same boat?

    Thoughts of divorce? Day to day... No need to rock the world though. But yearning for more out of life.... Alone and closeted....
     
  8. Runningmanvb5k

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    Offthegrid-being alone and not being able to talk is hard- wanting to do right by others and yourself -very difficult- our spouses nor do we deserve this yet here we are!
     
  9. Confused54

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    Welcome, runningmanvb5k. You're definitely not alone in questioning whether sticking with your marriage or coming out fully as gay and changing how you live your life is the right thing for you to do.

    I've been married to the same woman for 35 years and came out to her in August, then to pretty much the rest of the world in October. We filed for divorce at the end of November and that will be finalized at the end of February. It definitely wasn't an easy journey at first but I'm feeling a lot better about myself at this point.

    It does feel a bit unreal sometimes. When you've been with the same partner for so long you fall into comfortable routines. You share a lot. In our case as we got older the sex became less and less frequent, at least in part because my wife wasn't all that interested after menopause and I didn't want to push myself on her.

    From a purely practical financial point of view, it makes a lot of sense to keep things as they are. No matter how friendly the divorce, there will be financial implications. In our case we're going to continue as business partners and continue to share the home and property we purchased 3 years ago. How that's actually going to play out in the coming years is still an open question. I'm certainly likely to want to bring a man (men?) home and maybe enter into another relationship sometime. She's welcome to do the same. I hope we can look at as expanding our family, but I know that would be unusual.

    I'd kept my gay side pretty bottled up for a long time. When the bottle burst it helped to talk about it with people I trusted, both gay and straight. My wife pushed me to see a therapist, which I did for a couple of months until we felt I didn't need her services any longer. In a way, I went cold turkey and changed my way of thinking about myself in the course of about 3 months. Many people seem to need more time, and that's OK.

    I'm pretty confident the answer does not lie in copious quantities of alcohol or other drugs. I had conversations with a couple of much younger gay guys before I came out. Their openness was refreshing. Times are very different now than in the late 1970s or early 1980s when I was in my 20s and was scared to admit to myself that I was gay.

    Good luck as you work through this.
     
  10. Runningmanvb5k

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    thanks for more feedback - it is hard- what is it I want I wonder. I know that I have not been the best husband I can be- I am preoccupied with my thoughts/wishes etc. I love my life- and at times hate my life. Is it really right to mess up all the lives I touch for a "sexual" desire. Why can't I control it-- lots of things going through my mind- and has been. I appreciate what she puts up with me goodness knows and she is a great person - how could I hurt her for a desire/need for something different. These are the questions I struggle with and wonder how to resolve.

    I am thankful to be here and hear from different people who understand the issues I am struggling with right now!
     
  11. Mj5963

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    Hi there it seems this thread had several comments a while back and nothing new , so I wanted to add I fully understand where you are . I am mid 50's have three kids all girls , very successful professionally, been married 25+ years and too have been "closeted" for many years . My wife however found out I had been playing with guys last month . Back in September she saw a text on my phone so she has known for while and finally confronted me last mo th. Obviously was not a good conversation , I think I surprised her when I didn't deny it and I immediately took 100% responsibility and never ever blamed her. Not to belabor the text here but I immediately and the first time went into IC as for many years I have been somewhat lost and confused on my sexuality and in many ways still have plenty of questions . Infidelity is a horrible thing and I have worked very hard on that part seeking forgiveness and believe we are close there . We are still together and in fact enjoying as much time together on weekends because of job I am not home
    Three nights week (which was never the reason I cheated or met guys). I fully am
    Aware there is a spectrum in sexuality and while I say I don't seek a label , I do know finally understanding my sexuality to whatever degree is important if we are to stay together or not . Work in progress and yes I know there are a lot of men who have sex with guys and yet they are married to woman but almost all are on the DL.