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Married and also involved

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Stuck42, Aug 28, 2017.

  1. Stuck42

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    IMG_2038.jpg
    This is part of what we were texting the other day.... see?? I'm so invested in her
     
  2. RJay

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    Oh my. Yes I see. Very tough situation indeed. I'm sorry! Virtual hug your way.
     
  3. BosiMalkia

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    I see one red flag, at least to me.
    but at this point, I say ride it until the wheels fall off. All you can do is take what she says and believe her, just live in the moment with no regrets. Enjoy what you guys have together and appreciate finally discovering yourself.
     
  4. Stuck42

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    At this point..you may be right
     
  5. Stuck42

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    If anyone is out there that read this thread when I posted it...

    I stayed with this woman, took a trip to Chicago with her for a weekend..it was so great. I rode it until the wheels fell off..just like someone suggested.

    I told this woman that I was fine with a “no strings attached” type of fling. That I didn’t care who she talked to or flirted with or even slept with. Problem? I TOTALLY CARED. I became jealous and just went nuts about it. It consumed my life. I told her how I felt..that I cared deeply for her and I wanted to be with her..just her and I. She said she had to be free to see who she wanted and do what she wanted. So..I grew a set and I told her I couldn’t do it anymore.

    She wasn’t going to change and neither was I..why hurt myself for nothing. So I walked away. She said I had become one of her best friends and wanted to still be friends. I can’t do it! I can’t have feelings for someone and then just be friends. Can’t. So..I said some mean things to make her mad which worked and she blocked my number and ALL of social media. That was 9 days ago. I started to heal, I still think of her every single day. I miss her so much.

    Today? She texts me out of the blue and asks “Still hate me? Can we call a truce?” Wtf am I supposed to do??? Do I respond? Do I ignore?? I saw her name pop up on my text and INSTANTLY started crying. I miss her so much..but I know she just misses our friendship and my attention (she is a huge attention seeker) and I think she misses my constant attention. What do I do?? I want this woman so bad it hurts my chest. But she can never give me what I need, she’s made it clear. Do I answer her????? Help me!
     
  6. silverhalo

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    Hey maybe you can answer but just explain yourself. Tell her of course you don't hate her and your u will happily call a truce but that right now you can just revert back to a friendship with her as your feelings are all to raw. Perhaps in time that will change but you can't make any promises. That way you can heal the mean things you said a bit but you don't go back on the decision you took.
     
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  7. BosiMalkia

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    It's going to be hard but if all she wants is friendship and you do not want that. Tell her you do not hate her but cannot continue to talk on a friend level at this Time.
     
  8. BosiMalkia

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    Yes this is a very poetic way to tell her. I agree
     
  9. Mabel

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    Yeah, I agree with silver halo. Tell her- I really have no hard feelings. We can call a truce. I still need space and time to heal.

    My thoughts anyways. She doesn't strike me as a person who wants to respect boundaries. Some people can't do light, non comittal relationships (like me) , and some people can. She needs to respect that isn't who you are.
     
  10. Chrissy31

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    I agree with what Silverhalo said on this answer her if you haven’t already and explain how you feel. It maybe also that she has realised you mean more to her than she thought since you’ve had no contact as she clearly didn’t delete your number. Say what you have to say first and then see what she says.
     
  11. Stuck42

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    Update! And it isn’t good. I did text her back when I shouldn’t have. She said she “wanted her friend back”. I told her that it will never be enough for me, that I had strong feelings for her and I couldn’t JUST be her friend. I asked if anything changed..she said no. I told her I would try to do “friends with benefits” just so I could feel the touch of a woman again. She instantly told me that I need to understand that she “sees other women” and doesn’t know how to classify what they are. For the first time..I felt kind of repulsed by her. Like..have some pride and respect for yourself and not just many hook ups. I said some things and she said “I just wanted my friend back, not to pick up where we left off but didn’t realize it would be so f-in difficult” I was pissed. I told her that she came back out of nowhere and screwed me up again after I healed for 9 days. I tried to be nice..told her that I wish her well but it wasn’t going to work out. She IGNORED me and never responded. That’s it. That’s how it ended. I know I will never hear from her again and my heart broke a little more. Time to heal now I guess...
     
  12. silverhalo

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    Aww I'm sorry that happened but I think it's better to get it all out in the open and heal properly than to partially heal and always wonder what if. I have nothing against people that want to have open relationships and friends with benefits but it's not for everyone. I know I couldn't do it and there is nothing wrong with that. I know it hurts because it seems like in all others ways she is such a great match but this is a big deal and in the long run it's just going to cause you pain. There are other girls out there who would love to be your one and only. Give yourself time to heal over and then go find them.
     
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  13. Chrissy31

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    It’s a shame it went that way hope you are ok. Seems like perhaps as silverhalo said it’s for the best for you in the long run cos you may well of continued to get hurt. She obviously knows what she wants but it’s not what you want and I can only see one person getting hurt from this if I’m honest.
    It’s a shame because otherwise you were a good match.
     
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  14. Stuck42

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    Thanks guys...I know it’s for the best. She is never going to be what I need and I will never be what she needs. We were each other’s “first” so we will always have that I guess. It hurts for sure..but I guess time heals all wounds
     
  15. SweetSoulJulia

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    Oh you poor dear. I went through something somewhat similar with J (long story) where things got ugly and ended similarly to what you're describing. It's shocking and painful, I know. I usually only log in and respond to posts that "speak" to me and this one "shouted" :wink: I can offer you a giant hug and tell you from my own experience...take this time to withdraw, heal and introspect. You need to get your power back. I hate to chalk up relationships to power but she has all of it right now (and knows it). Trust me, I know how hard it is to not want to reach out and try to make amends and make things all better out of insecurity...but DON'T. You have dignity and self-respect. Try to let things cool off.

    Although never a romantic relationship, J and I have a history now. Our relationship has been tumultuous in the past but as of today we have worked through a lot. Even after parting ways on a bad note, we healed our relationship and I believe we finally found a comfortable place for us both. Unfortunately that comfortable place is keeping things limited to warm, friendly and professional but I'm happiest this way if I can't have all of her.

    Huge hugs for you. Now do something for YOU today.
     
  16. Stuck42

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  17. Stuck42

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    Thank you so much for your words! I DO want to reach out and make amends but it’s NOT MY FAULT! Why do we make ourselves feel like this? I am hurting so much I really thought I had found what my soul needed and to have such feelings for someone when they clearly don’t is devastating. She does have the power and she DOES know it. This pisses me off. She knows I am way in over my head and I think she revels in that fact. Time for me to move forward and chalk it up to being what I needed “at the time” because I don’t need this pain anymore.
     
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  18. SweetSoulJulia

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    Exactly. She knows that if she says, "jump!", you will say, "how high?". Many of us here are in the same place so we know. We know! I'm sure this woman is not a total monster but she needs to be taken down a notch. Geez, I hate to make it about ego but sometimes it is, you know? I know you're hurting bad and at times the disappointment over crushed dreams will be overwhelming. You will want SO bad to reach out to her but don't. Just don't. Put a rubber band on your wrist and snap it to remind you of the pain she is causing you. It's a real challenge to detach from someone you love so much. The good news for you is that she is not part of your daily life. My J is so I have to manage my heart very carefully. If she reaches out to you (and she will), don't respond until YOU YOU YOU are in a place where you can see more objectively that she is not good for you and doesn't want what you want. Not at this time anyway.

    Stay strong and love yourself :slight_smile:
     
  19. silverhalo

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    This is great advice. It's so tough isn't it our head says one thing but our heart says another. These people are like a drug, they give us a short term kick but with long term damage if we are not careful.
     
  20. Chrissy31

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    I totally agree with silverhalo they are like a drug don’t let the long term damage set in where people mess you about for their own gain. Try if you can to move on that’s what I’m doing as hard as it is there is someone out there for you that wants the same