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Man Crush Problems

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Chevyboy94, Dec 20, 2019.

  1. Chevyboy94

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    Hello everyone. I was hoping to get some help with this guy who is giving me mixed signals. I apologise in advance for the wall of text but wanted full disclosure lol.

    Recently, my company hired a new co-worker and I was assigned to train him. Long story short, we hit it off. We have darn near the same personality, similar interests, and think a lot a like.

    At first, I had no attraction towards him but as we became friends and I learned more about him, he grew on me. I am a 31 year old closet bi man and honestly inexperienced with men. I am not out. He is 25, has a girlfriend, and work together in a lab. So when I initially felt some attraction toward him, I threw cold water on my feelings since he had a girl. I had suspicions at this point mainly for his little interest in women in general and he was a bit girly acting.

    Fast forward 6 weeks, I catch him out of the corner of my eye tracking me as I walk around the laboratory. This persists for a few days but I never made eye contact with him. We both can be socially ackward at times so I resisted at first. Nervous as hell, I rounded a corner one afternoon and we locked eyes for a good 7 seconds to which he had his head titled sideways. He blushed, smiled, and then looked down. I asked if he needed help, he declined. Later that night, he asked me to go hiking with him the following week but it rained that day and we had to cancel.

    Soon after, I invited him on a similar hiking trip and from this point he started to hesitate to hang out. The most of a commitment I could ever get from him after was "We'll see." or something to that effect. After making two more offers to hang out, I got a sense he was stalling so I backed off. However, I was so confused because he continued to keep tabs on me - always glancing over or having his eye on me over the course of the day. At this point, he was not trying to hide he was looking.

    So, I worked up the nerve to ask him about the staring in private. He froze still, flatly denied he was even looking at me which was bullshit then contradicted himself and said it meant nothing. I dropped the conversation, resumed my work, and chaulked it up to maybe I started it first and he just followed my cue.

    He quit staring for about 3 days. Then he started taking quick eye glances over at me from across the open floor trying to be less subtle I imagine. I am like wtf! I KNOW I was not inviting this behavior at this point. So, being socially shy, I thought maybe he is trying to flirt. I started to return his eye contact.

    OMG. This eye game went on for two straight days and it was the most intense thing ever. I was a nervous wreck. He was breaking glassware. I was breaking glassware. There was so much tension between us we both kept stepping out to go to the vending machine just to get a breath. My gut told me he was into me but neither of us had the guts to approach the other.

    At the end of day 2, I couldn't hold back my feelings any longer. I had not slept much the night before, he looked like he had a rough night as well. I looked up at the clock and called out the elephant lurking in the room.

    I made a light joke that we only had 3 more hours left to ackwardly stare at each other and smiled. He got silent for a moment and then replied "well, I wouldn't call it ackward". I replied, " I really like you" to which he quietly replied "I really like you too". I replied, "I like you more than a friend" and he got super nervous and said that he wasn't that way, said he didnt care if I was, and just gave me a fist bump. And ended the conversation just like that.

    Highly confused about how I could be so wrong at reading the "tea leaves" I politely told him I was going put some space between us for my error.

    I went on vacation for a week. I return to work to find he is super clingy. He is more than usual excited to see me, constantly by my side, being extra helpful, always facing my direction, asking what I have been into outside of work, oggling me from afar even more so than before, and even being a bit flirtatious! At this point, I had no idea what to think. He, alone, did this for a month while I did not recipcate at all. It got to the point he started to look back at me as he would leave to go home to see if I was looking at him leave. It was then I decided to ask him about it again.

    He has aniexty, as do I, so I thought it would be better to send a text to give him time to collect his thoughts and be easier. I reiterated in the text I had feelings for him, that I was not trying to split him up with his current girlfriend, but simply wanted to understand why he stares. He had continued to clearly want to be friends and share personal information but got nervous when I would suggest to hang out.

    When I sent the text, he did not respond for two days. I asked via text again if he got it and he got super defensive, he deflected, told me that he didn't judge me, and that what "I" had been doing (described above) was totally unwarranted and wanted. He totally flipped what he had done back onto me. I was speechless and a hot mess at this point just crying non-stop.

    Once I calmed down, I realized what he had done and how he avoided the question by projecting he crap onto me. He realized he got caught and freaked out.

    Fast forward to today, he has started to slowly watch me again with those puppy dog eyes. In the lab, we have many reflective surfaces and now he cleverly uses these glass surfaces to discretely watch me. Just today, roughly two months after our last conversation, I look over and find he is staring at me in our break room through the reflection on the microwave glass! Like wtf. We locked eyes and this time he just held them without looking away until I did. He did this twice today.

    Have any of you ever experienced anything like this? Someone who is introverted and that is social shy? The glancing or staring doesn't normally creep me out. Today was different and it felt more like a message. I am trying to understand how much patience to have when if he is truly struggling with his sexuality or how to approach this. I feel bad for his girlfriend.

    I mean, I have tried to look at this objectively and normally I am a good judge of character. I just dont buy that he is totally straight. When he stares without me "knowing" he looks so sad. He has low self esteem. He is not manly acting at all, shows little interest sexually in women but very social with them, puts his head down when someone mentions anything about homosexuality in conversation, excited to see me arrive, and I've caught his eye below the belt line more than once. He won't hold a meaningful conversation about any of it without shutting down or going silent.

    Is this dude simply playing games with me? A creep? Maybe he just likes the attention? Or has a crush on me but too scared to leave his girlfriend? All of the above maybe? I am struggling how to keep from damaging any potential relationship, if he even likes me, and getting harsh with him on the staring as be polite clearly has not work up to this point.

    Thank you for reading
     
  2. Monraffe

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    This is unusual behavior but I have seen it before. I hesitate to judge him without seeing him in action but all my instincts tell me, based on everything you have said, he is trying to control you. He may not even be gay but what is certain is, he has been after your feelings for him for much longer than you realize. It’s unfortunate that you work together. It makes it difficult for you to distance yourself from him and that is without a doubt his biggest advantage over you.

    Going back to his sexuality, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say it’s not so much if He is gay or not, his orientation could be beside the point. I not talking bisexuality so much as he doesn’t care about gender, so much as he cares that someone admired him.

    I don’t mean to make him out as a evil dude, it’s very possible he has benevolent feelings for you, I really have no idea. But If he is benevolent and he real does want you to be happy, from your perspective this is a distinction without a difference. You are trapped in his web either way.

    What I’m trying to say is he is a narcissist and God forbid you are able to form a relationship with him. If you do you will totally disappear. Think about this seriously now - do you not already feel the power of the grip he has on you?

    When I say you will disappear, I mean this literally. There is no end to the demands he will put on your love for him. It doesn’t matter if he cares about you or not, he doesn’t and never will hate you, and that without a doubt is the most sinister thing about him.

    He does love you, even now, I’m sure of that. Only it’s not in the same as how you would define love. He loves, loves, loves, loves, loves, loves, the fact that you are willing to be firmly plugged into him. He has searched his entire life trying to find people like you. His only hesitation, what you are seeing now as his shyness, comes from the uncertainty of how firmly he can grip you into loving him back. The withdrawals, they are a test of your loyalty. He wants more than anything for you to return to him over, and over, and over, and over again.

    You may be thinking, he wants love and you want to love him, what’s so bad about that? You both want the same thing. But this need of his to find love, more, and more, and more of it... it has no end. Once he has used you up, he will be in search of a new lover who can start the process all over again. He is a player of the heart and players can only love you when their playing. There is truly nothing here for you. You really need to RUN from this guy.
     
  3. zuice

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    Sometimes mutual attraction is the sub-conscious saying, " I wish I were that person."
    Enjoy the bromance!
     
  4. Chevyboy94

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    Monraffe,

    Thank you. Thank you for confirming my suspicions. I had him pegged as a covert narcissist. After months of being lead on, the aniexty, and honestly crying over this I am at least happy I caught it now.

    Today is my birthday and he has yet to even take notice. I've witnessed two overt narcissists before come in and out of my life. One as a boss and the other as a short term coworker at another facility. I seen some of the signs early on but his charm coupled with the fact he shows a few traits of Asperger's lead me to second guess myself for quite some time. And to be honest, I did not want to admit it.

    I know they mirror their victims. I have a rare personality type to begin with and him truly having the same interests hit me particular hard being in the closet. I do think there is some level of sexual attraction but as you pointed out I feel like he is simply playing me at this point.