1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Male Friendships?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DecentOne, Nov 20, 2020.

  1. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I don’t know if the potential sexual aspect would get in the way more often, but not every time? I remember being a friend with a woman at college that after a while I decided I wanted more. She was disappointed when I revealed my budding romantic feelings. She’d finally found a guy who could just be a friend, and then he (I) proved that wasn’t possible. I had a similar situation when I was in my mid/late 20’s, where a friend I’d been hanging out with asked if I’d be his boyfriend. I said no, but would he still be my friend? He said no, that wasn’t what he was interested in.

    It worked earlier in my life in one case. My best friend from school days came out as gay after he got a job and his own place after graduation. It wasn’t something he revealed when we were in school. I could share anything with him, about life, worries, etc. At the start I think it was pure friendship for both of us. In later years I think he wanted to fool around (he asked if I wanted to “practice” kissing once, but I said no), so maybe for him it had a romantic piece, but we never went there, and what he wrote in my yearbook and then later letters (we were great pen pals and also racked up long distance phone bills) was how much the friendship meant to him. He never said so, but my babbling about girl crushes may have been tough to hear. We were supposed to be BFFs, but that got harder to maintain in our 20’s since I’d moved away.

    This is relevant to my pondering how to move forward (after counseling with my wife). You are correct my wife may fear lines being crossed. But there was already a precedent of limiting my friendships with the hobby folks, well before my shift had occurred.
     
  2. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,335
    Likes Received:
    1,397
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Decent one

    I am afraid there is a parallel to my life here that is going to be a bit of an issue for us both moving forward. My wife, also, really did not like my "guy time" prior to my coming out. It wasn't about my freedom. It was more the issue of us being so busy with careers that the free time was so valuable. I think she felt entitled to it. And, she wasn't wrong. I was happy to oblige. But, it did cost me my friendships with other men. This is not all that different than most other married men that I know. It's just the way it is. We don't value something enough until it is gone.

    Now, our sexuality creates a more definable (to our wives maybe) risk to the relationship. It isn't just that we would rather spend time with the "guys". Maybe it is that we want to spend time with a "man". No matter how trusting and secure our wives are. This is gonna amplify the issue isn't it?
     
  3. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    It amplified the issue for me moving forward that’s for sure.
     
  4. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    @DecentOne

    I apologize if i said anything that offended you in some way. That was not my intention. I am just like many people here on EC wondering and questioning things. What I meant by exploring things I meant dealing with matters the way you see fit and makes you happy. Am not suggesting that you act in a certain specific way or take a certain action.
    Your posts about friendships are genuine and I get that. I really do. Just wanted to let you know that.
     
  5. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Not offended. I just thought you were suggesting man-man physical exploration. I see your explanation. We’re fine. I appreciate your comments.

    Thanks! I appreciate it.
     
    Bastion likes this.
  6. Bastion

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2020
    Messages:
    338
    Likes Received:
    221
    Location:
    North America
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    So any ideas or suggestions on how to make and maintain such friendships. Is it possible to be friends with people regardless of their sexual orientation and not blur the lines if someone identifies as bisexual?
     
  7. Spartan 117

    Admin Team Full Member

    Joined:
    Oct 25, 2014
    Messages:
    964
    Likes Received:
    539
    Location:
    Isle of Wight, UK
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Quite frankly, I'm inclined to agree! Everyone needs friends, and limiting platonic activities with other people seems a bit excessive and unrealistic. I'm not quite sure what she (and/or your therapist) has suggested are inappropriate activities, of course. I wonder if you also impose such limits on her social life?