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Major Breakup and Orientation Confusion

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by What117, May 30, 2020.

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  1. What117

    What117
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    Hello,

    I am almost 28 and for my whole life I have felt straight, but would occasionally maybe feel a slight tingle when a guy was taking his shirt off and I think I learned not too look.

    I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 6 years and I am miserable, and every time I see pictures of us together on my phone I want to cry. I want to go back to her and get married and be together forever but I am scared and confused about my sexuality.

    I am sort of willing to accept that I might be bisexual, but I really want to be mostly-straight and nothing more. I have never experimented with a man before and I don't see men romantically like I do women, but I recently explored a same-sex fantasy just to see and I reacted with a strong erection that I haven't been able to do with hetero-fantasizing. I keep hoping it's because I am just over-stimulated on hetero-porn because I have been masturbating every morning and night with porn pretty much my whole life (but not since we broke up because I feel down). I used to be able to fantasize about having sex with women, but lately I can't (although I woke up this morning from a dream where I was fondling a woman and that was nice). I also am trying to quit porn for 90 days, hoping that it will revitalize my attraction to women. As snuck a look at some porn today even though I am trying to take a break and I found the woman to be so hot, but then I also enjoyed the look of the guy's dick.

    I keep sort of flip-flopping in my mind on everything. Like I think back to all the porn I have watched and remember how much I love breasts, and I always enjoyed sex with my girlfriend, but I am also scared that in like 10 years when we have a family that I will suddenly snap and feel a need to try having sex with a man. I sometimes read about people that identify as bisexual and have never experimented and they seem to be okay, but there aren't that many examples and all the ones I have read are from women.

    My girlfriend and I have discussed this, and she is strongly against a poly-amourous, or open relationship. She even said that if I experimented after we broke up and then decided to come back that she would have a really hard time taking me back (regardless of the sex of the person). I don't think I am into an open-relationship either, I only want her.

    I just don't know if we can be happy together anymore, because we might both always have this seed of doubt in the back of our minds, but I also wake up every day feeling anxious that another day in our lives has gone by and we are apart. I worry that each day she is slipping away from me and eventually she won't love me anymore.

    If we were to get back together, what would I do if I had a same-sex fantasy once in awhile? I wouldn't want to have sex with her while that was on my mind because I feel like it would be disingenuous and if she found out I'm sure she'd break be so hurt. Is it possible to fantasize about men once in awhile just like I would do with women and then just carry on with my life?

    Another thing is: Is it possible to just have a penis attraction, or am I just fooling myself?

    I am kind of an anxious person in life, so I've spend a lot of the last few weeks trying to figure out what is happening to me and what it all means, and I go back and forth on everything. I'm trying to see a therapist but there is a waitlist and with the pandemic, I can only do virtual communication which I seem to find harder to do.

    I kind of wish someone could just tell my future and tell me that I could live a happy life with this girl.
     
    #1 What117, May 30, 2020
  2. Spartan 117

    Spartan 117
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    Hello!

    First of all, I’m really sorry that you broke up with your girlfriend. It sounds like you like her a lot and still do. I really can sympathise with that! Breaking up with someone is a bit like grief: it’s a slow process and it takes time. There’s nothing really you can do to speed things up: you just have to be patient and kind to yourself.

    So, when it comes to your sexuality:

    Short answer: Yes. Just because you’re sexually attracted to someone doesn’t mean you have to have sex with them! I know plenty of people in happy monogamous relationships and marriages.

    But I also don’t think it’s healthy to shove your sexuality aside and never think about it again. If you don’t come to terms with it in your mind, I think it’s always going to cause you anxiety! I know you want to be straight (and you might be, it’s not my place to label your sexuality), that’s fine, but when you’re confused about your sexuality I think everyone would rather just be straight. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: It would save a whole lot of stress.

    It does sound like you mostly like girls, as you probably know - you don’t have to like genders 50/50, you can have a strong preference for one gender over another.

    Many people will tell you that porn isn’t the best indicator of someone’s sexuality- everything can be exciting in porn. It might be good to think about what exactly you fantasise about, and what you feel when a man takes their shirt off and you look away.

    Liking the look of a man’s penis could mean a few things. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: I will say, and this may or may not be the case with you, that people just beginning to come to terms with their sexuality will often just focus on the physical side. Like “I’d like to have sex with a man - but that’s it.”. I think it’s because it’s harder to ignore physical attraction, and it’s kind of unthinkable at first to even consider anything beyond that. But if you allow yourself to open up a bit more, maybe you’ll be able to think about men beyond just their penises and get a new perspective!

    Nobody can tell you what your sexuality is, and it’s different for everyone. If it turns out you’re not 100% straight and like men to whatever extent then that’s perfectly normal and okay.

    You don’t have to experiment with a man to figure out your sexuality. Some people do go down that route, but you don’t have to. You don’t get an LGBT badge afterwards or anything. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: When you have sex, it should be fun for both parties - don’t force yourself, or it’ll be a pretty grim experience.

    The only part of your story that’s not okay is your relationship with your ex-girlfriend: she doesn’t really have a say anymore over who you sleep with, male or female. The fact she’s saying “I’d find it hard to get back with you” is really weird. You’re either together or not. Whether it’s intentional or not, it’s a little controlling to be honest. You can’t live your life hoping that you’ll get back together, that’s not fair. I think maybe you should clarify exactly what’s going on with you two, because it doesn’t sound like the cleanest of breaks.

    I know it’s easy to say but don’t stress too much about your sexuality, whatever it turns out to be will be totally normal. The first step to figuring it out is sometimes is just to say to yourself “I have these feelings and that’s okay”. :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Spartan 117, Jun 10, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2020
  3. Chip

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    Hi, and welcome to EC.

    I get how unbearable it can be to lose a relationship, especially one you've been in for a while. It sounds like you had a pretty strong commitment and it's difficult letting go. That, unfortunately, is something that you simply have to live with until it diminishes over time.

    As far as your sexuality, I agree with a lot of what Spartan says. As far as "I'm willing to accept being bisexual, as long as it's mostly straight"... well, as you probably realize, it doesn't work that way. :slight_smile: I don't know anyone who, when they first found out they were gay, for example, was jumping for joy or even remotely pleased. Most everybody is scared about it for a whole variety of reasons. And so, of course, any acknowledgement that we have any attraction to the opposite sex is scary because... what does that mean?

    The interesting piece here is the very strong attraction and arousal to the same-sex fantasy. If this was a non-porn related masturbation fantasy, then it probably is a meaningful indicator of some sort of same-sex attraction. I think the plan to give up porn for 90 days is a good one. In the mean time, masturbating without porn and conjuring up different types of fantasies in your mind's eye can be really helpful.

    Since you've had the stronger-than-to-hetero arousal to the same-sex fantasy, it's worth exploring that more provided you're willing to do so. I don't mean with another person, but simply with fantasy. Think about different things and simply see how you respond. Do the same with fantasies about women, and see how you respond to that. The thing to keep in mind here is, what you're exploring with masturbation fantasies is mostly below conscious thought, so it's going to help you get in touch with how you're wired... which may or may not be what you wish you were wired as. But the point is, wishing for this or that has no influence on what is, so the most sensible solution is to explore and figure that out.

    As far as your ex-gf, I agree with Spartan. She has no influence on what you do or don't do. Holding out an expectation that you do or don't do this or that as some sort of carrot for a very indeterminate and ambiguous claim of whether you might or might not get back together strikes me as manipulative and controlling, not something that you need. So do what you need to do for you, not for her. As Spartan said, you're either in a relationship or you're not, and since it sounds like you're not, it is probably healthier for both of you to not play these 'what if' games. Also, it's worth noting that it is pretty rare to break up with someone, get back together, and have things work if they weren't working in the first place.

    On the issue of just having a penis attraction but not being gay/bi... no, you're fooling yourself.

    Therapy would be a good thing, and the anxiety is no doubt further complicating things, so keep trying, even if the only option is teletherapy. I think you'll find that it's easier than you think once you get used to it.

    I hope the above helps. Feel free to discuss more what you're feeling, clarify, or ask additional questions.
     
    #3 Chip, Jun 10, 2020
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  4. What117

    What117
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    Hi. Thank you both for taking time out of your days to respond to me. It means a lot.

    I am now receiving counselling weekly and I have had two sessions. I am still not sure where I am headed or if it's helping me but it's something I guess.

    I guess my concern is that I end up being more homosexual-leaning, because I still want her and my relationship to continue. However, there is still a lot of work to be done even if I were to reconcile with myself internally.

    I keep thinking that the best case scenario is that I accept and acknowledge these feelings and decide to pursue a hetero-relationship, but I get anxious thinking about whether that will be feasible long term. It's like...I can't tell the future so, should I just do nothing? Hard to have a healthy relationship if you are scared that your sexuality will evolve into something that isn't compatible, and yet, I can't simply wait to see how things turn out.

    As far as my girlfriend being manipulative, I can see how it appears that way, and maybe it's true. I guess I just appreciate her being honest in that regard. Her previous partner tried to come back to her after they had broken up and he had been with another woman so she is just telling how she approaches relationships. It's a bit fuzzy but I believe she had said that while our breakup wasn't fully defined and we were just discussing the realities of this revelation of mine, and it's affect on our relationship.

    I guess it just stuck out to me because it led me to decide, personally, that I was sort of trapped. I can't go experiment and then come back if I'm not into it. That's another problem altogether, however, as I am not sure I am ready (if ever) to explore that possibility.

    I know that ultimately I can do whatever I want, especially seeing as we are broken up at this point, but I still want to go back to the relationship. I just don't think if I can unless I am 100% ready to commit to her for the rest of our lives (which I was before we broke up). I didn't even expect us to break up when I told her I might be bisexual. It only came out because I wanted to be completely and totally honest with her.

    I guess it's because I know that sexuality is not a choice and that is what is causing this dissonance in me. I feel these sexual feelings for one specific fantasy (performing oral sex), and I've also felt my heterosexuality seems to have taken a backseat at this time. It just feels very foreign. I see what you are both saying, in that my attraction might be primarily sexual at this time, but if I were truly accepting of myself that I might see men in a romantic way the way I do women. I have pondered this myself and it's another of the unknowns, but I feel that in order to find out I might need to take months, or even years to figure that out, and I feel that I do not have that amount of time.

    Anyway, thank you again for your responses.
     
    #4 What117, Jun 12, 2020
  5. Spartan 117

    Spartan 117
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    Hey again!

    I’m writing this quite late at night so I hope it makes sense! Just a couple of thoughts on what you’ve said:

    It’s perfectly natural, after a break up, to need time to reflect on who you are and what you want out of life. In this instance, you also want to figure out more about your sexuality - and that’s completely understandable. You’re right - it might take a little while to get your head together. But putting a time limit on yourself to do this is completely unfair, as is putting the burden of the success or failure of your relationship squarely on your shoulders.

    I’m sure you really care about your ex-girlfriend, but personally I’m never a fan of a “fuzzy” break-up. Nor do I think it’s fair to put the pressure all on you to fix the relationship: being bisexual or questioning your sexuality isn’t a sin, it’s perfectly normal. As far as I can tell, you’ve done nothing wrong. While it might have been a surprise, it’s not something someone would usually break up over. It takes two people making the effort to be in a relationship, just remember that.

    The other thing I’d say is that it sounds like you fear you might slide to the homosexual end of the spectrum. Remember, that you don’t suddenly turn gay like some kind of werewolf. Exploring your sexuality is about discovering more about who you are already, not becoming someone new. You might come up with a few new thoughts and feelings that you hadn’t acknowledged before - but you are still you! As Chip says, exploring your sexuality doesn’t mean you have to go out to and have sex with a man! Talk with your therapist, read other’s experiences, have a think about your own thoughts, fantasies and feelings on a deeper level.

    You could say “ignorance is bliss” and just ignore your sexuality, but is it though? Leaving it unresolved has already caused you some stress in your life. I think you’d feel a lot better by coming to terms with your sexuality, whatever it may turn out to be, and as a result you will feel a lot more at peace with yourself. You deserve that!

    And quite frankly, the relationship you have with yourself is more important than any relationship you have with someone else.
     
    #5 Spartan 117, Jun 13, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2020
  6. What117

    What117
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    Thank you again for your kind words. It really means a lot to me.

    I think things might have turned out better if our discussion hadn't sort of blown up out of proportion. Her first words were, "I think we'll have to break up...". I believe her thought process was, "I don't have a penis, therefore you won't be happy with me and I'm not able to share you". Her reaction, I think, caused me to turtle up and push her away.

    We talked for like 3 days straight about it and she was having panic attacks and crying so much that I sorta ran away to my sisters for two weeks. When I got back, I figured we were done and I was focusing on figuring myself out when she suddenly phoned me and asked to meet. We had a semi-reunion but I still felt I needed some distance so we spoke on the phone the next day and I told her I couldn't worry about her right now. She took that poorly and I think she went for a long walk and ruminated on my words. She called me again several hours later to meet and we went to a beach and discussed essentially how she didn't think I loved her anymore. I guess that was her interpretation of my actions and words.

    I was feeling overwhelmed and scared, and confused and basically told her I didn't love her because in that very moment I felt numbness, not love.

    Her birthday is in a couple weeks and I feel like I want to give her a gift and let her know that I love her (I just want her to have a happy birthday), but I also don't know if I am ready to dive back into things with her because it would be a lot of tough conversations. I can't tell if I am not ready or just too scared to face potential conflict.

    I just printed out a bunch of photographs of us together from the last several years and I was gonna put them in an album and give them to her. I was gonna ask my sister and my counsellor if that is a bad idea.

    As far as holding the relationship all on my own shoulders, I think that's happened because she seems think that she is unwavering and free of doubt as for her love of me, and I am the wishy-washy confused one. So it's almost like she has nothing to do, and I am the one with things to figure out.

    Since telling her that I don't love her she hasn't once contacted me, and neither have I tried to contact her. I have no idea what she is thinking but I do know that we will have to talk again at some point because we still have each others apartment keys and spare car keys.

    As far as getting back together. I wish I could find some examples or stories from bisexual people that have not experimented and are content living that way.

    In any case, you can see not much has changed for me and I'm still lost, but I am trying.
     
    #6 What117, Jun 13, 2020
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