I feel like I made a mistake. I've hadn't been on a date in ages, like almost a year lol. Basically, my depression has been bad and it's only been worsening in the past few months. I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want a girlfriend because 1. I always isolate myself and withdraw from social situations so I wouldn't be a good boyfriend...also I don't love myself so I can't really love someone else 2. I'm trying to just focus on finding myself and getting in a better place mentally... And for the past almost-year, my mom has been...really on my case about finding a girlfriend and going out on dates because she thinks it'll help me somehow. Like she thinks it'll make my depression better. And my best friend has wanted me to find someone new ever since I got ghosted a while back but that's a whole other story haha. So that's just background info. I went to a party four nights ago (I think? Maybe three nights...) with my best friend. And I got drunk pretty early into the night, like the most drunk I've ever been. I know I said early on that I don't want a girlfriend but the drunk version of me doesn't really agree with that because I'm just a lot more extroverted, a lot more flirtatious when I'm drunk...and it's like nothing matters but that one night, you know? I'm not thinking about the bigger picture and I just don't care. I was depressed when I first got to the party but that's why I was drinking so quickly because I knew it'd make me 'more fun' to everyone else. Anyway I'd drank all of the vodka I'd brought and like 1/3 of the wine and there was this girl there I was talking to. And while everyone else was still partying (like late into the night/early into the morning) and whatever, we went out into the backyard and just laid on the grass. We talked, it wasn't really that deep but we just talked about the clouds and stars and UFOs, also school and work. Just dumb stuff. Probably other things I've forgotten. We ended up exchanging numbers and I may have told her she was cute which was like testing the waters because it could've been platonic or romantic, you know? But she reacted well...then my best friend yelled at me that she wanted to go home so I called my mom to pick us up. Anyways, then my mom is driving us home. And I wasn't going to talk about this girl...I was pretty pleased that I'd gotten her number at the time, like I was thinking maybe we'd get married or something like I'd finally met the one lol...but I wasn't going to mention it to my mom or my best friend. But then my friend pipes up from the backseat saying, "What was going on between you and [the girl's name]?" And she starts this whole conversation about it in front of my mother. Then we drop her off and it's just my mom and I. And there's awkward silence but I know she's going to ask me about the girl which she does. I didn't want either of them to know. Next morning I immediately regretted my decision to give this girl my number because my depression set back in (and my BAC was back to 0) but she starts texting me like crazy and she keeps sending me pictures of herself, I'm not really sure what she wants me to say to them but yeah. Like she texts me in the morning before she goes to work, then she texts me on her lunch break and then she texts me after work. I feel bad. I don't really want to text her but I don't want to ghost her either so I just keep texting her. Also now my mom wants to know everything about her; where she works, the color of her hair, what she looks like, when I'm going to ask her on a date, etc, etc. I'm supposed to be going to the movies with my friend too and my mom said, "You should ask [this girl] to come with you." I don't want to ask her but my mom thinks it's the answer to all my problems so she'll keep asking me when I'm going to ask her, if I've asked her yet, why I don't ask her to go...
(I had more to type and it wouldn't let me edit so here's the rest...) And it's crazy, I can't even take care of myself so I wouldn't be good for this girl anyway. Before I even went to the party, I'd been so depressed that I'd been thinking about relapsing into self-harm, that's how bad I'd gotten. That party was the first time I've been social (besides with my only friend) in like two months, not even exaggerating. I just can't let someone else into my life. Unfortunately, I already have. So yeah. I don't know how to make things go back to normal, so I can just be depressed on my own again. It's not like I even told her I liked her in that way so maybe I could just act more distant and she'd assume I liked her as a friend but I don't know. That doesn't solve my issue with my mom thinking this is my new girlfriend. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. To be honest, I might not end up going out with my friend anyway because I want to be alone. Any idea on how I'm supposed to fix this?
Hi there! In some ways, having the girl texting you and trying really hard to get your attention, should allow you to build some self-esteem with which to start building some self-love. It is going to take some time before you can feel some of the feelings attached with loving yourself, or at least being able to say to yourself, 'I like myself,' but you might have a starting point. It might also be worthwhile to be honest with her, and say to her that you are working on things, and that at times you might not be able to respond immediately. How would you feel about asking the girl if she'd be okay with building a friendship first? Approaching it step by step as it were, and trying to gauge as to whether you would like to get to know her more (as a friend) and see if you can build some trust, would also allow you to work on the two things you want to do. It sounds like you are getting some support in working on things. It might be worthwhile to consider to trying to build some good friendships and getting positive feedback about yourself, which could help with continuing to work on things as well.
also i would talk to your mum and whenever she brings up this girl i would say that you dont want to talk about it and that when you do she ll be the first yo know. it feels like your a bit suffocated by her comments so setting some boundaries that give you space might help??
