I was thinking about my future and what I want from it and I have decided to not go for a gender affirming surgery in the future, even though I do want it. It's a very hard decision for me. To be frank I don't think I'm ever able to afford one financially. I decided to just go for hormones, name change and maybe few correction surgeries, if I can afford them. I'm also afraid of surgeries. I never have had surgeries in my life. I haven't ever even broken any bones. I need to find ways how to be comfortable in my body, how to stop hating myself and how to express my true self to others from inside of me to the outside. I'm tired of being invisible, scared and feeling like I'm locked up. I need to do something about it. I may change my mind as I get older, but this is my decision for now.