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Lust to have sex keeps fading away within a relationship...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by case121, May 22, 2020.

  1. case121

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    Dear All,

    For decades I have been wondering my sexuality and do believe until now, that I am `somewhere between gay and straight`. There are plenty of reasons for me for not being straight and I do think I am ok with that and also many reasons why I think I am not homosexual.

    I had several straight long relationships with women and always found that over time, weeks/months my urge to have sex with them faded away, especially when living together. I was always thinking that the `obligation to have sex` made me stop wanting it and sometimes I broke up the relationship or more often I cheated on one of my gf`s, as I never had these `arousal problems` with a fling or one night stand...and did love the excitement ONS bring.

    I have had plenty of great sexual encounters with women and do enjoy to have sex with them in every way ( love giving oral too), but the thought of being gay/bi sexual has never left my mind and this gets stronger in the past months.

    Because, why as I assume myself some more or less Bi sexual, I can not keep up the sexual part of a relationship going on and start to feel bored and pressure to perform after some weeks/months? Deep inside I AM gay?

    I wonder if anyone has experience with this? A long term relationship with a woman seems not to be an option because of `my problem` and this is something I want to find out as I am old enough now:slight_smile:

    All thoughts/remarks are very welcomed.
     
  2. olderwiser

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    WOW! You described me perfectly! That should tell you that you are not alone. I have handled my situation this way. I have a long time friend and sexual partner that I came out to as bisexual. Her reaction was "Okay, I still want to be with you." We have a very open, caring, loving, supportive relationship. If one of us wanders off, the other knows that they will be back shortly. Good luck in everything...
     
  3. am724

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    I have had very similar experiences. Whilst in straight relationships and when having sex regularly I found the gay desires fantasies would be kept at bay. But after a while they keep surfacing and in fact for me have got stronger. I am married but have accepted now that I am mostly gay, between 4 and 5 on Kinsey scale. Even if I wasn't married and had another straight relationship I still believe I'd slowly gravitate back to wanting gay sex and relationships. Those urges and desires are just much stronger now.
     
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  4. case121

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    Thanks AM for your reply; for me it is not as gay fantasies come up within a straight relationship, i do want to sleep with other girls, but not the one I am connected to at that moment...but, it still could be that I surpress the feelings of wanting to have man to man sex. It is a long journey to discover:slight_smile:
     
  5. Shadow N

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    I have to agree with you, I never had a gay relationship and I am still married to the only girlfriend I had at college (I never dated as an adolescent or have any relationships since I was always focused on my studies). After experimenting with another man (by giving him oral sex). I found out that I could feel pleasure with another man and would have this flare ups and cravings desiring to repeat the experience with another man.
     
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  6. StillHorny

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    It's my belief that nearly ALL long-term relationships include fading sexual desire for the partner. I also believe it's more acute for men. Alley Oop (the caveman) lives.
     
  7. OnTheHighway

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    I am going to concur with this. Human nature is instinctual. And within human nature I believe from my own experience and many things I have read and/or discussed with others that a diminished sex drive with a specific given partner is a natural tendency, gay or straight.

    That said, for many additional underlying reasons pertaining to shame, diminished self worth and lower self respect, such tendencies are enhanced within the gay community for those that have not addressed the underlying causes of their shame.
     
  8. OGS

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    People's different thoughts are interesting. I think the urge tends to decline a bit as you get older. When I was in my twenties I could have sex two or three times a day no problem. Now that sounds sort of exhausting. But I think the idea that it basically goes away or becomes some sort of chore in long term relationships doesn't strike me as true at all, especially of men to be honest.
     
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  9. Nickw

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    @case121

    I think a lot of us are wired differently. In my case, I never tired of intimacy with my wife even though I often desired intimacy with men. My wife, on the other hand, has lost most of her sex drive. I think it is physical in her case.

    But, what I do know about myself is that I can become very distracted with the thought of having intimacy with men. If anything, it made me more horny for sex with my wife when I would go through cycles of intense desire that would wax and wane a bit.

    I see men and women a bit differently in my desires. So, I've figured out that I am never totally satisfied when I have one or the other. I guess it's a classic case of why some people don't want to be with a bisexual. That said, I know both straight guys and gay guys who are never satisfied with one partner. For sure there is something that is very desirable about "new sex" with a partner. It is exciting to learn what another person desires. I'm a believer that monogamy may not be the best thing for many of us. This doesn't mean that you cannot have a long term relationship that allows you some access to different partners. I have that sort of arrangement.

    If you are, currently, not in a relationship, I suggest that you give same sex intimacy a try. If you are like me, you may find that you really need to experience your entire sexuality and it will be very fulfilling. If you are like some of us here, you may find that you were fooling yourself into being attracted to women and you may discover what you were really looking for was to be yourself as a gay man. People here will sometimes describe this as an "ah haa" moment.
     
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  10. OnTheHighway

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    You raise an interesting point by defining sex drive by actual activity level which has given me further thought. Like you, even in my early forties I could have sex two or three times (if not more) after my sexual awakening (as I came out later in life as your aware). Today, my bf and I are intimate on average two sometimes three times a week even though we do not live together currently. I have previously worried that my sex drive was diminishing from the time of my sexual awaking to today and I had concerns when comparing my sex drive of today to what it historically was (only eight years later and now in my late 40s). But I guess its all relative actually. That said, my bf and I went from having sex daily when we first met two years ago to our current level as previously stated; so it is factually a decline by my historical standards.
     
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  11. Cashew

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    Hi, this is just a suggestion but have you ever considered looking at the asexual spectrum? I'm not saying that you are asexual by any means because you obviously desire sex but there is a lot of variation in not only sex drive but also in how people are attracted to others. For example in the asexual spectrum and the far end of the spectrum you have people who do not want sex at all and then you get people in the middle who do not identify as completely sexual or asexual called 'gray-a' and basically it is a very broad umbrella of people who's desire for sex can fluctuate a lot. I myself am gay but also identify as gray-a because my desire for sex also fluctuates a lot but I only every think about sex with women/want to have sex with women when I do feel desire. Some people are heterosexual and gray-a and then some people are also bisexual or pansexual and gray-a. Not sure if this rings any bells with you but thought I would mention it just in case.

    However I guess is what is important is, what makes you feel like you are gay/bisexual? Is your desire for sex with men stronger? Does it last longer? Because in that case maybe you are bi with a preference for men. These are only suggestions and I'm not trying to label you as you can only do that yourself.
     
  12. Snowqueen

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    I had the same sort of feeling on and off all of my life. I can understand the thought that you feel obligated to have sex with your partner, I still do, but my heart isn't in it and I'm just going through the motions. It's taken me years and so much soul searching to finally admit I'm gay and need to be with a man.
     
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  13. case121

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    Thanks, Asexual, well...no, therefore I have enjoyed sex too much in the past. It is more as Snowqueen says up here. within a relationship I have the feeling I NEED to have sex as it is part of the connection and that is something that does not make me feel aroused.
    +
    When someone is around me the whole day, I do feel bonding, but urge to have sex? Not much; that I feel with someone I do not see too often or just meet. Yeah, I know. I am not that standard, sorry.
     
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