NOTE: The preface in the title of this group thread is taken from the title of an article. They do not reflect my views of the gay community. This thread will revolve around discussion of that article. You can read it here: http://thefederalist.com/2016/05/16...ex-addicts-a-gay-man-critiques-his-community/ *** The article is long, but worth the read*** The article makes some interesting points. I take issue with some of what was said, however, I do agree with the general theme that sex and hookup culture in the gay community is destroying the community as a whole. That is not to say that we should look down upon individuals who are sexually active with different partners. However, I agree that, insofar as our community's obsession with hookup apps and "sexcapades", there is an unhealthy obsession over sex. To that degree, I often feel disconnected from today's gay society. While sex should be celebrated and cherished, it should also be meaningful. It seems like sex in today's gay culture has been reduced to nothing more than a marketplace of bodies, where buyers and sellers swap photo proofs of their goods and make exchanges on a daily basis (the "exchange" being the hookup). What are your thoughts about this topic? I can't be the only one who feels this way, right?
I would put this issue almost squarely as a result of unaddressed shame. Hetero people have plenty of negative images and messages they get that impacts worthiness; gay men get the same stuff the hetero people do, but on top of that get a huge extra layer of negative messages and images, constant idealizing of bodies, clothes, appearance... and all of this stuff leads to a profound feeling of lack of worthiness. So if you have a whole community full of people who are lacking in worthiness... they are going to act out to try to do things to make themselves feel worthy, at least temporarily. This includes hookups, obsessions about their body image, clothes, appearance, etc., and a deep belief that they aren't worth of love and belonging... which leads them to pull away from relationships that do develop, so they can have control before the other person breaks up with them. It's a major systemic issue, but the author of the article for the most part misses the main issue; it's not an obsession over sex, it is an obsession over seeking worthiness, and sex is simply a vehicle to, for a fleeting moment, make someone feel wanted, taking away, momentarily, the sense of worthlessness and shame.
All I can say is that it hasn't been my experience. My partner and I have been together for twenty years. Many if not most of my gay male friends are in similar relationships. I don't actually know anyone who is married in an open relationship. I frankly kind of look at the whole open relationship thing as a bit passé. Are there a lot of gay guys out there with deep shame issues like Chip describes, most definitely. But there are also a lot of guys out there who have done the work to make it through all the crap that society throws at them to convince them they aren't worthy of real love and come out the other side stronger and more grounded for it. An article like this isn't doing anything to help people through that process it's just adding to the chorus.
It's actually true for the lesbian community too, but it works in different ways. Male/male casual sex is common because a lot of gay men are closeted and fearful of having a boyfriend. Sex is more discreet. Female/female casual sex is common because a lot of people in the dating pool are curious straight women or heteromantic bisexual women. Women are taught that lesbianism is a porno term and not a loving sexuality, so they decide to use women for sex with no actual regard to their feelings. Either way, I'd agree. As a lesbian, I am the most sexually conservative person I know.....most of my straight friends look like promiscuous horndogs compared to me. I kind of look like a nun. Sexuality has NOTHING to do with ihook-up preferences, but unfortunately, gay hook-up culture and porn makes people think otherwise. It sucks for anyone looking for a relationship. Which is why I'm still a virgin at the age of 27 since I hate hook ups and the gay community doesn't allow for actual relationships to flourish...for either gender.
Hetero people have websites specifically for married people to hook up with other married people ,there are millions of straight couples having one night stands and I have seen two movies recently which were all about sex with no strings attached so they don't really have any right to call people sex addicts.
Here Here! For a gay man with a PhD to write an article waxing critical of promiscuous gay men he of all people should be aware that the most recent research comparisons of homosexual and heterosexual people have found very little difference and much similarity between our sexual practices. In other words and what I myself have said for years, Why shouldn't gays have the right to marry, be miserable, cheat on our spouses and ultimately end up in divorce court just like our straight counterparts? I truly believe divorce court lawyers had more to do with legalizing gay marriage than anyone else on planet earth. Two individuals in a committed loving monogamous relationship do not need the golden band on the other hand to affirm who they are nor do they need to project to others that they are something they in reality are not.
