Lost

Wait... remind me. Did we know about you sleeping with your friend? When did that happen? And you confessed that to your husband?

Sounds to me like everybody is worried about your husband and not you. What about your happiness? What about your need for affection from someone who you feel desire for?

And why are you not speaking to your friend? Why let your husband make that call?!

 

Hey I get why you want to try and work things out with your husband and it's not for me to tell you what decisions to make in your life but I feel like you are making the decision for the wrong reason.
You don't want to hurt him but by giving him false hope you are still hurting him just in a less obvious way to him. You are gay and so the only way your marriage can work is by you sacrificing yourself and your happiness and even if you want that I'm not sure it is sustainable.
I felt so sad reading this post for 2 reasons. Firstly I can't believe all of your friends are only concerned with the welfare of your husband. Why should you be making him feel special anymore than the other way around. I appreciate you slept with your friend (I'm with RJay did we know about this) and nobody is condoning that but surely they can see that is the result of some underlying issues. The second reason is there were moments when I was talking to you before where you sounded so up beat and lifted by having been able to tell people and now that has been squashed by what is happening. Have a virtual hug.

 

I'm not sure it's an excuse more of a reason, your inhibitions and barriers were lower because you were drunk.
I suppose my question would be you both obviously want it to work but what would he have to do for you to be happy or satisfied with the situation?
My other question would be what is the status of your friend lesbian, bi? And is she in a relationship or single?

 

Oh dear... A few months?! How is she doing with this loss of contact with you?

Honey, we can't tell you not to try to save your marriage, but I am really saddened by what you are saying here too. I think you are feeling guilty and compelled to sacrifice yourself to your marriage. That is really not good. No good can come of that.

Maybe if you want to work at the marriage, it has to be with the help of an impartial professional. You cannot be listening to all these friends and family members basically telling you you're wrong and he is to be protected from suffering and your friend is disposable. None of that sounds good at ALL!

 

I'm in love with someone I've known a month, and at this point if anybody told me to not speak to her, I'd tell them to fuck off no matter who it was!

 

OK, the counseling is a good start. You definitely need that! Someone who will prioritize YOUR feelings. It's fine to want to save your marriage, but only if you get what YOU need from the deal.

 

I honestly don't know. I mean I'm not in the situation so of course it is easier for me to say you shouldn't stay. I don't blame you for not knowing the answers to the question I asked it's just that when I look at it I think it's possible for you to stay together but what I can't see is that how that situation is ever going to be enough for you or be able to make you happy. You have told me many times what a good man your husband is and that you are good together which in a way almost makes it harder for you. He is already good to you so if he could make you happy you would be. I know you really want this to work but I don't know if that is enough. I'm not saying you shouldn't try but you were trying before and something obviously led you to need to reach out to your friend and to EC. It seems like you decided to give it another go a few days ago yet you already seem to be struggling with that decision. I honestly wish I had the words to help you make it work with your husband. I think LGBT counselling sounds like a really good idea.

 

Well, I'm not in your mind, so I can't answer that for you. It seems to me you are very tortured, though, and that means this runs really deep for you. It might not work. You are going to have to be prepared to face that possibility.

 

Yes, I know you think about it not working, but with help from therapy, you may be able to prepare yourself for it so it's not so crushing.

I do think some couple make it work with some type of open marriage setup. That's a really individual decision, though. Some people can't have "just sex" with someone, and that's where the lines in that kind of arrangement can get really messed up.

I was listening to a lecture by Helen Fisher. She is an anthropologist who studies love and sex from a brain and biology perspective, and she has said that all her research is equally applicable to same-sex coupling. She points out that though there is no shame in having "just sex" if you want, but if you don't want to get attached to someone, you should really consider not sleeping with them. Her point is that the hormones released during sex cause you to attach to the person on a deep level. Especially if you have an orgasm, there is a release of oxytocin that makes it very hard to not sort of imprint on one another like a mother imprints with a baby. It seems to be a very sound argument against trying to do the casual sex thing while maintaining another more 'serious' relationship.

 

I also think it might be easier for most men to do the "casual gay sex" while staying married thing. And that might be enough for them. I think women are less casual about sex in general. (Gross generalization, but I mean the majority, you know?)

 

Well an open marriage is an option open to you and as you have said it works for some people. I think your husband is going through the stages of grief over what has happened and is n the bargaining stage. As in I will let you watch lesbian porn and maybe sleep with another woman if we can stay together. It may be worth making a suggestion that he also sees a counsellor so he can sort through what's best for him.

 

Yes I get that, for me I don't see how it can ever be just about sex for anyone I can't see how there can't be more to it than that but I'm not judging people who do that, if they can then good luck to them. I'm sending you a virtual hug. I know it's not much of a help

 

I would imagine in a way that makes it even harder for you, it's like you are being split in half between the physical with your husband which you don't want and the fact you are getting on so well, even better than you were before. Almost like every time you try and be brave and take a step towards leaving the ties holding you back get even stronger.