Hi everyone, My name is (insert my born name) and years ago I had a mental breakdown from getting obsessed about my sexual orientation which kind of struck me out of the blue. I'm now in my early 30's and since then there have been some questionable times but Ive essentially had been okay and have experimented with many of the opposite sex and rather enjoyed it while being unable to bring myself to experiment with the same sex. Well move forward and Ive essentially had another similar experience about 6 weeks ago. Things are changing a lot again for me this time and I'm nervous to the point I'm shaking, avoiding people, and questioning everything. For the pro trans facts about me. .I am not masculine and have always wanted to be .Questioned myself once before with no evidence of it when I was questioning my sexuality .Have terrible body images of myself and have had that for quite sometime (mostly since the first breakdown) I'm ugly, fat, etc. .Have still been questioning myself on my sexual preference which has bothered me for 8 years (good and bad times) .Live at home as I cannot bring myself away from my safe space .Never liked being called a man as it was a title I have yet to earn I felt. .Never have been public about this stuff .Have been afraid that I'd come out gay/trans later in life and ruin my partner's life (part of my life since the breakdown) .Obsessed with "out" people (they scare me and I'm constantly comparing myself with them like "oh god am I like them?) .I find it easier to talk to girls than my guy friends .Have had troubles getting off when I've had sex many times in the past. I just don't feel much when inside a woman Cisgender facts about me .The obssessions up above are devil's advocates as in I've had similar breakdowns and freakouts like this such as with STD's (have had to get tested for no reason like 5 times since I was last here and still worry) .I have never worn or desired to wear the opposite sex's attire, jewelry (my mom always wanted me to wear jewelry and I tried but just didn't care for it), and other accessories. .I have never had a dream about being a woman .I've never really enjoyed girly things or desires .I had no issues with puberty and have been happy and content living in my body. .Women's bodies are fun but I could never handle being one I felt and have been thankful several times that I'm a man. .Hated my man boobs, lost alot of weight to try and get rid of them and couldn't stand how they bounced when I ran. .Have had no issues being refereed to my sex (although now it bothers me) .Have never been confused as the opposite sex .Never really enjoyed girly things and currently still don't have much interest .I have tons of friends and am very social and would say I hangout with men more than women but I have about 50/50 male female friends .Never pictured myself wanting to be a mom .Have had tons of times when people who switched bodies on shows did it and I was like "why? why would you want to do that and become a girl?" .I don't think I've ever found myself envying females for anything .I dislike the idea of being penetrated (I know this doesn't fit with the actual thing but the idea of having a vagina is uncomfortable and dislike the idea of fingers, tongue and lips, or genitals penetrating me) .Have enjoyed sex quite a bit with my partners in the past and get off to being the dominant party .Remembering being somewhat scared and revolted by women's bodies in the past. There are others too each but I'm tired of typing so this world of transgender is entirely new to me and I want some opinions, some stories (if similar please), and some ideas of how to go about this. I will answer any question honestly you have. I'm questioning if this is full blown trans and are the beginning phases, if its something else, or maybe I'm gender fluid or non binary? *one final thing I should mention, back with my original breakdown I threw on a dress to see if I was trans and took it off almost in tears after having it on for 20 seconds and never looked back at it again but did make me feel uncomfortable around my mom's house for a while. Tried 2 bras on for this one and while I will say they are much softer than I imagined it wasn't exactly my thing and made me look like a guy in a bra and not a woman in a bra. thanks everyone
I don't think there is anything conclusive in what you wrote above to suggest you are, or might be trans. Admittedly, there is a level of unhappiness with your body and identity as a man, but all of this could be explained in other ways. Society places huge value on the 'perfect' body image and loads us with bullshit expectations about what it means to be a man, and even the strongest of personalities can get sucked into all of that. If we then begin the process of questioning our place within that society we can easily get wrapped up in false ideas about who we are (or should be) with new levels of anxiety and distress. I suspect that's where you are now. I'm not completely ruling out the idea that you may be trans, but I think there is a lot more to unpack about your body image and perception of masculinity. It might be a good idea to share your thoughts with us about these things. What does it mean to you to be a man and how do you think you fall short? What (specifically) is it about your weight and body that you dislike?
I think that before you try to work out what your gender issues might be that you should work on your mental health. Therapy is something that is necessary should you decide to transition anyway so you might as well start.
Thanks for the reply. It was a rough night last night, I must’ve woken up every hour to crazy dreams all relating to things I’ve been reading on those trans tests, stories, and other related media I can’t stop looking at. Friggin had a dream where I was pregnant! I don’t even like kids and find the idea of them being in me gross but I obsessed over the idea thanks to the online stuff I keep reading. I had a good few hours yesterday where I felt legit and normal again thanks to someone posting that I may have ocd relating to this. Then I thought well how is this any different from any other person going through this? And here I am again… I accepted the thoughts early this morning and I’m calmer but far more on edge. Does this mean I’m trans and I’m going to start wearing women’s clothes and stuff? It just doesn’t stop and now it’s moved from my head to my chest and throat which are tightening up on me. When it comes to the idea of a man I picture someone strong, not bothered by anything, smart, and able to be comfortable doing what they do. Nothing I have any similarity with. I’m a beta male with a female brain (online which gender are you mentally test says) I don’t like cars, sports, or getting super dirty and I’m an idiot who hides more than fights. I idolize my dad as he is my hero and I’m not half the man he is yet he also isn’t the worlds most overbearing masculine man. He hates guns, loves gardening, and can’t use a computer to save his life. So it’s idk…just confusing to me at times and my guy friends are a lot like me but most of them loves sports, are good with their hands and tools, smart, probably don’t have women talking to them like friends they way mine do, physically superior to me, and aren’t bothered with what I’m dealing with. They are happy and I wish I could be like many of them. Then there is me. I’m kind of weak, have low levels of confidence (can’t ask a woman out in person to save my life) dumb af like I can’t donate anything to serious conversation, higher voice (still cracks occasionally), can’t grow facial hair (super patchy and it looks awful and get past the pube phase), generally don’t look masculine (small non existent Adam’s apple, a weak chin, low hair on my body (except my chest which my dad once complimented me for saying I was the hairiest in the family and really smiled) cowardly, questioning everything in my life, worry if I come off feminine (though If I had to be honest thay probably isn’t the way) wanted a bigger penis at one part, have man boobs that have been the bane of my existence since middle school (everyone, even my gf’s pinch my damn nipples and I hate that. Plus they bounced which made me super uncomfortable). I’ve legit considered surgery to fix some of these like the chin and man boobs. I think when I had my first breakdown I was questioning why I couldn’t be a man and this all happened and the obsessive reading of every single thing I’ve ever done has come into question and the inability to stop. I have had no issue being called sir, mr, man (being called that not so much me calling myself that), dude, buddy, son, and brother yet right now I’m hearing them and questioning. I don’t think I had an issue going into the boys bathroom’s (certainly not while I was young) but now I second guess and worry. sometimes talking about this stuff helps. The last 2 days my penis hurt because I thought I was definitely trans and for the first time looked at it with distaste when I don’t think I have EVER done that but my mind reasons with that. I haven’t been able to get it up and masturbating has been very difficult (which it usually isn’t) and leaving me questioning. I have always enjoyed it but now it feels like an attachment. I feel like it can’t be that quick of a turn for trans, can it? Am I trying to be too masculine to cover up my feminine qualities. I just can’t clear my head and always wonder. I just wish my head would be clear so I could focus on other aspects of my life. There used to be a time when I could focus on other stuff. Right now I’m calm but it’s only temporary…I looked at myself in the mirror and liked what I see but then I’ll just worry that I’ll end up be being fem anyways. I swear I wasn’t this way about 6weeks ago but the questioning has been there for a long time. I don’t think I was this way when I was young and I remember feeling fairly normal up until 23 and then just like 6 weeks ago I’m back at it. I’m notorious for worrying about stuff. I have regular std, illness, and moving on with my life fears that I can obsess over too much. I can’t get past the latter at all. While my doctor with the std even said “have you been looking online and comparing yourself to everyone else’s stuff?” And while I don’t admit it, I am… sorry rambled again. It’s like I can’t live with the uncertainty and am afraid to be on my own. if you read this far I’m personally giving you a cookie!
I think you're getting yourself into a bit of a tizzy about this. All the things you mention that are 'pro trans' about yourself have got nothing to do with feeling a deep yearning to be female. They're all to do with a discomfort with what is 'traditionally' (and I use those scare quotes deliberately) denoted as being masculine. There are many many different ways to be masculine. Men come in all different shapes and sizes. Some are macho, some aren't. Some are closed books, some are open with their feelings. Some are short, some are tall...you get the picture. Yeah and all that is a cliche. For the entire duration of human civilization both genders have had stereotypes forced down their throats. But human beings are complex. Most of us don't conform to stereotypes - thank God! There - you've said it. I would say you're worrying about nothing. You have to find your own way to be masculine that feels that it fits with you, so that you're comfortable in your own skin. Fixating on outdated stereotypes about what is 'expected' of you probably isn't going to help. Beth
I think @chicodeoro offers good advice to you from the very start. You are getting overly stressed about all of this and almost everything you have mentioned can be explained without concluding you are trans. I think the bigger issue for you is your own perception of what it means to be masculine. You seem to have bought into various stereotypes about what a man looks like, behaves like and sounds like and combined with questions about your sexuality you have hit the panic button. You are also fuelling your inner critic by labelling yourself in various negative ways. I have to tell you that these men are not what they appear to be. Beneath the bulked up physique and brusque manner lies a fragile personality, ill at ease with the world and struggling to fit in just as much as you are. It's not real and you would do well in not comparing yourself to them. One of the things you seem to focus on quite a lot is your weight and so-called man boobs and I wonder if you would gain confidence in being able to lose weight and tone up a bit? If you are struggling to do it alone, why not seek help from a fitness coach who could arrange a program for you and provide the necessary motivation. Losing weight and toning up may not be the answer to everything, but I get the impression it would address many of your present concerns. As things stand you are going into an obsessive spiral from which you need to step back. If you continue to over-think like this you will make yourself ill. I really don't believe you are saying anything that would suggest you are trans.
But is that a thing to be have ocd focused on your sexuality or gender? Because with the exception of a few things I don’t think I’ve ever spent so much time like this stressing over these 2 things.
Yes, OCD can have a primary focus on one or two things. And note that you said "with the exception of a few things" so obviously there have been others. An OCD diagnosis does not require that one obsess over everything, just a few things... and there can be varying levels of obsessiveness. Trust me, this is something you need to get assessed for.
Interesting, I didn’t know ocd worked that way. I mean I’ve had bad std freak outs after sex with someone and numerous times where I constantly worry about the damn door being locked even though I know it is but I have to check. I did just spend the last hour basically retaking ALL the “am I trans tests” again for like the 100th time. Woke up feeling good today but immediately just went down when I was on my own. I’m a little better when I’m around ppl but my head when I’m by myself is just always this. I also just got done laying in bed wondering if im a woman but my head just kept giving me the most random images of women in my head that literally don’t make any sense but makes me think I relate to women. I’m also sure I’ve looked at every damn aspect of my life every day recounting every damn event ever leading to this point. I also don’t really envision myself as a woman but worry that I am so looking at myself is difficult again. I got a haircut and think I look like a tough lesbian…I can’t imagine any trans person coming to question themselves ever thinking that but that’s how im currently seeing myself lol…I guess what it comes down to though is im afraid what they will say as every day as I review things change a bit and I accept myself for something then something new comes up.
