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Looking for your input on my gender issues

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Mercury568, Jun 12, 2021.

  1. Mercury568

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    I joined EC a few weeks ago questioning my sexual orientation and this period of questioning made me open my eyes on certain things I kept burried in a dark corner of my head. I looked up common transgender signs and several of those signs could apply to me, like not feeling confortable in one's body, being repulsed by one's own genitals, depression, low self-esteem, etc... I had fantasies about being a girl since I was a young boy, they turned into sexual fantasies later. I started crossdressing and using make-up approximately at the same age. It wasn't sexual at first since I was too young to do anything, then it became arousing during puberty, I though it was just a fetish, but over the years it became different, I'm still turned on but also enjoy simply being dressed like that and act girly. I know this is not what makes a woman a woman but it's enough for me to question myself.

    Recently everything just snowballed out of control, I started looking at what the transitioning procedures are, name change, cost of surgery, etc. Imagining what to do or say to my coworkers, I even chose myself a female surname. As you can see, it's one giant mess in my head currently.

    The weird thing is that questioning my gender doesn't make me anxious, it feels a little strange but not frightening or distressing. I was watching a video linked on another thread here and the person said ''...you are likely transgender, because cis-gender people don't ask ''I'm I transgender'' and I felt shocked and relieved at the same time. Not because I consciously want to be a woman but because it's a clear-cut answer to my questioning. To be honest, right now, if I could wake up in a woman's body and live like a woman for a few days, or as long as I'm OK with it, I would, just out of curiosity.

    On the other hand, I had my fair share of fulfilling and happy moments as a male, dressing like a man or being called 'sir' doesn't bother me. I always enjoyed having a muscular body but over the past few weeks, it juste became 'meh'.

    I'm considering seeing a therapist but first I'd like to hear your thought on the subject. Maybe there are questions that I can answer with your help. Judging by what I wrote, how serious is it? By that I mean could one tell if those are signs of being transgender? Are those things normal and will go away by themself or is that something I should see a therapist for? Could it be induced by something else?

    If I really am transgender and my therapist confirms that, what happens next? At what point does one commits? How can I be sure that I'm a woman if I've never been one? I have two fears, one is to realize one day that I was just pretending and now stuck in a womans body, the other is to realize one day that I should've transitioned sooner in my life.Part of me has a hard time believing I actually wrote that.

    Your comments are greatly appreciated.
     
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  2. chicodeoro

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    Hmmm quite a few of the things that you mention are things I did as well during the long years I was in denial. For years I dismissed what I was feeling as a 'fetish' or that I was simply a cross dresser. I now realise that these were attempts by my conscious mind to deny my true nature, because at the time it was too frightening to cope with.

    I'd absolutely agree that seeing a therapist is a good idea. They won't give you a 'diagnosis' as such, but by discussing these deeply personal, intimate issues with them you might be able to answer that question yourself. I'd also recommend phoning a trans support helpline if there is one in your country. In the early days after my own revelation about my gender I found these enormously helpful - talking to other trans women and men helped me come to terms with how I was feeling.

    Medical transition is not something anyone does lightly! It may take a while to sort out where you are with all this, but that's ok! Talk, listen, take it slowly and gradually the answers will reveal themselves. During the first few weeks of my revelation I was feeling elated that I had found the 'answer', terrified of what lay before me and panicked that I had opened a Pandora's box that I would be able to close again. Things got easier over time and eventually they settled in my head.

    Good luck!

    Beth
     
  3. Mercury568

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    Thank you for your help and your kind words, Beth,

    Good idea, I might try that. I already read numerous threads here and it has been helpful hearing what others have experienced. What I would like to do is to explore by myself first and hopefully get a better view before seeking medical help, if I go to counseling right now, I might say ''nope, no dysphoria here, just a little depression/OCD/whatever going on'' by fear or ignorance or maybe it is really just the result of other underlying issues. I know it will be the right thing to do, but simply writing and reading other people's stories here is already helpful

    You used the word ''revelation'', is it OK for you to elaborate on that?
     
  4. chicodeoro

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    Sure - the catalyst was my (female) partner's death sudden death last year, coupled with lockdown. Those two immense shocks plus the obvious fact that I was spending a lot of time on my own led to me thinking about my life and where I have been and what I really want out of life.

    One evening in May it hit me like an express train - that things that I had previously dismissed as a 'fetish' or 'just cross dressing' were in fact more serious than that. It occurred me that I've been trans all my life and indeed have been in denial about it all my life, because confronting it was too problematic, too frightening and too shameful. Only then, stripped to my bare essentials - without my love, work, friends, all the props that had previously held my life up - was I ready to accept this fundamental truth about myself.
     
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  5. Mercury568

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    I'm sorry for your loss. I wouldn't have asked if I knew it was this tragic. Thank you for your reply.
     
  6. chicodeoro

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    Hey don't worry! I'm very open to talking about it - 15 months in, I'm now someway towards the acceptance stage of grief.
     
  7. clockworkfox

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    I feel that for sure. I think many of us do. And now, a decade into my revelation, I KNOW I opened Pandora's box - the longer I hesitate to take action myself, the harder that box is to close. It doesn't go away.

    Mercury - no one else can say for sure if you're trans or not. You are the only authority on your gender. There are many experiences that trans people share, but at the end of the day there's no one way to be trans, so everyone's story is different. With that said, it does sound to me that some further exploration is probably a good idea for you! You mentioned a lot of things that I think many trans people can relate with. Let yourself experiment, alone and with the right company. Play around with your expression. Look around for a therapist who's familiar with trans issues, if you feel like transition is what you need to do. And remember that you don't need to do anything if you're not comfortable.
     
  8. Mercury568

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    Thank you clockworkfox, may I ask what things I mentioned that trans people can relate with? Also what would be a good way to explore as you wrote? I shaved my body hair, put on make-up, wore dresses and heels, asked a friend of mine to call me by my female surname and I don't really know how to express myself more.

    I'm currently trying to find the right therapist. In the meantime, if that's okay, I'd like to share some of my thoughs. I'm sorry if it looks like my diary. I think the biggest obstacle for me is the thought that I'm faking it. Imagining myself as a woman is pleasant but also often arousing, and my inner male will say ''see, since you get aroused, it's a fetish, thus you're not transgender'' It doesn't matter if I'm like, ''yeah, I wish I was a woman, I wish I looked like her or I'd like to have female genitals'', it's always a fetish. There's always some form of explanation ''I enjoyed sex as a man, I didn't feel dysphoric most of my life, being depressed and feeling like not belonging could be linked to something else, etc'' Hence my fear of my inner male refusing to say the thruth to the therapist.
     
  9. chicodeoro

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    I think you're tying yourself up in knots a bit here. It's ok to take your time before you're able to answer these questions unequivocally. Talking through all this with a therapist will help, undoubtedly. I guess what you're asking is how serious is this - is this a desire for a short holiday as another gender? Or a sincerely-felt deeply-held drive?

    My own personal experience was that I wasn't sure myself for a number of weeks after my revelation. But the first time I told a friend my name and she gave me the biggest hug, I felt a rush of euphoria course through my body which told me everything I needed to know. I couldn't stop smiling! It was the most profound moment of my life; as close to being reborn as I'll ever get short of a religious experience.

    That's when I knew I was a transgender woman who has spent decades trying to hide it, run away from it, in denial. But no more.

    Beth x
     
  10. clockworkfox

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    This is what you're looking for. If being read as a woman fills you up, and you want to be seen that way all of the time, then you're probably not cis.

    As far as it being arousing...is it wrong to feel sexy? Other people would tell me that I was attractive as a woman, but I didn't really see it. I didn't really feel attractive until I presented more masc. Consider that maybe it's less a matter of fetishism, and more a matter of feeling truly sexy for the first time in a way that resonates with you. Maybe as some time goes by, and you spend more time in woman mode, those feelings will level out a bit. Just another angle to consider.