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Looking for ways to forgive my mom, I stumbled up this piece of gay history

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by brainwashed, Jul 16, 2018.

  1. brainwashed

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    OK I'm mad as hell at my mom for what she did to me when I was 14 - basically taking an innate part of me away (my sexuality). Looking for ways to forgive her I put myself in her shoes. I then stumbled upon the article referenced via the link below.

    Very nice what America the land of the free did to gays in the 50s, 60s and 70s. You know like having a pick shoved into their brain's and all. Must of felt really good.

    I've just got to say once hate and fear and lack of knowledge get rolling "things" really start to happen.

    Interested in doing your own research? Internet search "lobotomy gay" and watch what comes up.

    http://www.davidmixner.com/2010/07/...f-lobotomies-castration-and-institutions.html
     
  2. Cinnamon Bunny

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    A way to forgive is to accept the what someone did was wrong, and focus on what's happening now in the present, especially the good.

    We have the choice to fed parts of ourselves. We can feed the anger, hate, judgment or we can feed the parts that are accepting, calm, happy. Whatever we feed will dominate our lives. Anger is good and helps us know something was or is wrong. It helps us to take action, to get to safety, to protect ourselves. Staying in anger beyond that isn't so helpful. You aren't a teenager anymore, you aren't being abused anymore (I assume), you're here and now. You got this under control now.

    What can you do to let go? What can you do to pursue what is good?
     
  3. SevnButton

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    Adding to @Cinnamon Bunny ''s post, another useful focus of anger is to prevent the same thing from happening to anyone else.

    @brainwashed , you are totally justified in your anger. At the age of 14 you should have received protection, comfort and guidance from your mother, and that you didn't is just not right.

    There are many ugly stories in our history, some of them recent. Some people have actually believed that it's OK to enslave other people and put others in internment camps. These things, and the brutality of lobotomies, need to be remembered so they are not repeated. And if there is any way to do it, those who were treated wrongly need to be treated fairly.

    @brainwashed , I wish all of us could wrap our arms around you, tell you that you are OK, and give you the comfort you should have gotten at the age of 14.
     
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  4. brainwashed

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    Agree 100%. I will add the material in your reply post and "especially the good" is a conscious "logic" brain activity. The logic behind your post @Cinnamon Bunny is actually quite easy to think but very had to implement. Why? See below.

    There are five and only basic psychological states in us humans - source: (book) Coming Out of Shame. anger, fear, shame, sadness, joy Is there logic or choice in this short list? No. Anger, fear, shame, sadness, joy come from our very being. Our emotional being deep, deep from with us. This is why it's so hard to choose (logic choice) to be happy and actually be happy (emotional part of brain).

    Agree 100%. This is why I am spending a great deal of time and effort on trying to overcome the "abuse" thing.

    It's been suggested to me (to overcome the abuse in my mid teens thing) to a) get therapy and b) get a boy friend.
     
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  5. OnTheHighway

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    Brainwashed, closure has been so healing and powerful and has allowed me to forgive so much.

    But I am going to admit, with all the closure I have achieved, with all the forgiveness I have been able to find in my heart, I have not been able to find full closure and forgiveness from the trauma my mother intentionally or not put me through. I have tried, I have opened myself to in my search, but the scar just runs too deep.

    On this one, I have capitulated and just accept that I will always retain this scar. And it will be a scar that stays with me as I live the rest of my life as balanced in all other respects as I possibly can.
     
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  6. SevnButton

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  7. brainwashed

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    Love the words, "intentionally or not" Why? Because it lets me know I am not the only one to have been intentionally or unintentionally harmed by one's mother. Mothers can have very lethal emotions.

    My scars reach to my very being. Right down to the bone - core.

    Agree 110%. I chalk up my mother caused scares with breaking my leg while backpacking years ago. I was deep in the wilderness, there was no rescue. So I hiked out miles to a road where I hitched hiked back home. Unimaginable leg pain, but it's the way it went down. Same as for my mom.

    I will add, I now think my mom had no idea that I was gay and what she was doing to me. She simply lacked the skill set to reach in and connect emotionally with her children.
     
    #7 brainwashed, Jul 30, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2018
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  8. brainwashed

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    Word use correction. Change "I chalk up my mother caused scares with..." to "I equate my mother cause scares with breaking my leg...."
     
  9. Cinnamon Bunny

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    Yeah it is hard. I'm trying to make changes myself. Many things in life are simple but hard to do, because we have been living one way for a long time. It's hard to change long standing patterns. it is doable, with a lot of time and practice.

    I don't believe in choosing to be happy or other positive sentiments. Our feelings aren't a choice, they are apart of the human experience. None are inappropriate, all have value, none are better than the other. They are all important and have a place in our lives.

    When people say "choose to be happy" to me that's saying to ignore or invalidate your other feelings. I've done that, it doesn't work. Not in the long run anyways.

    Sometimes we do suck it up and get through tough spots because there's no time to mourn or seethe, but doing that all the time leads to being emotionally unhealthy and being inauthentic.

    When I said "choose to feed" I meant to say we have choices in how we handle our emotions. We can choose to cultivate or soothe parts of ourselves. We can choose actions that help or hurt us. We can choose to feed our anger or sadness that leads us to run around in the same mental circles, or we can choose things that help us move on.

    For me, I am choosing to learn to be with and accept the painful feelings I feel. I am choosing to self soothe and regulate my emotions, rather than feeding and escalating those emotions so they become out of control and dominate my life as they have been. I'm trying to not hate or neglect those parts, but to be kind and loving towards them. I am choosing boundaries that help me to feel safer so I'm not as anxious or angry. I can choose to interrupt my thoughts and ruminations about injustice that will eventually spiral and choose to do something I enjoy like a walk in the park. Those are the choices I'm talking about.

    I do highly recommend therapy.

    Some sides notes.

    "Fear, anger, disgust, surprise, happy, sad" is the basic measure used in psychology.

    Thoughts effect emotions, and emotions effects thoughts. Same with actions. Actions effect thoughts and emotions. These three things dont exist in a vaccum. None of these are completely seperated from one another. So there is influence. I have learned what thoughts and actions effect my emotions, and thus I can make changes to my thoughts and actions to help my emotional state.
     
    #9 Cinnamon Bunny, Jul 31, 2018
    Last edited: Jul 31, 2018