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Looking for thoughts on my situation...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by starmotive, Mar 12, 2018.

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  1. starmotive

    starmotive
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    Hey, so I haven't been active for a while but some of you may remember me. To recap what happened in the past year or so: I came out to my best friend. A few months later she told me she was questioning and might be ace. I had feelings for her and I told her. She doesn't like me back, but we're still best friends. Everything was normal for a few months and then the last month or so something felt off to me. I asked her about it but she said that she didn't see anything wrong and that to her everything was fine. Things now feel normal again, but I'm still having a hard time getting over her. When I originally told her I liked her, she asked if there was anything she could do to make this easier for me. I couldn't think of anything in particular, so I said no. Later it got really bad and I was struggling, and still am, and I talked to her about possibly needing space. She said that if that's what I want then she would give it to me, but that for the time being she wasn't going to leave me.

    This is the part where I'm looking for some thoughts:

    1) I was talking to someone I met online and he thought that because she didn't offer to give me space herself, that it either made her a bad friend or that she might actually have feelings for me.

    I personally don't understand how the fact that she didn't offer me space makes her a bad friend, but the part I'm curious about is could she have some sort of feelings for me?

    2) I had a conversation with her the other day about some study I read about how lgbt people are more at risk for mental health problems, and her answer was 'that's relatable'. So I asked her whether she identified on the scale, and her answer was 'no she doesn't think so because then she would have had more trouble growing up'. I guess this means she identifies as straight, which would explain her not liking me back, but what is so 'relatable' about lgbt having mental health problems then?

    I don't know whether this is important or not but we've had a few conversations about her possibly being ace and how she didn't know how she felt about anything romantically/not having felt anything romantic before.
     
    #1 starmotive, Mar 12, 2018
  2. PatrickUK

    PatrickUK
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    I don't think she is a bad friend because she said she would give you space, if you need it. It's up to you to tell her, if you do need space. There might be something in the idea that she really does have feelings for you, but I wouldn't be too quick to leap to that conclusion.

    On the second point, I would suggest she may be suppressing some issues of her own and that's why it's 'relatable'. It's a sad reality that many people hide behind the banner of asexuality, rather than confront their deep seated issues relating to human affection and intimacy. For some people, the 'ace' label has become a way of actively denying what's going on beneath the surface.
     
    #2 PatrickUK, Mar 15, 2018
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  3. starmotive

    starmotive
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    Thank you for the input. I appreciate it :slight_smile:
     
    #3 starmotive, Mar 15, 2018
  4. BlueNeon

    BlueNeon
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    Another possibility for the space issue is that it just may not have occurred to her that space is something appropriate to offer. Some people may feel like offering to back off and give space is close to abandoning someone in their time of need. If you feel like you need some space, don't be afraid to say so, and make sure to mention that giving you space is the kind of support you need. That way, if she feels like giving you space isn't being there for you, you can tell her how giving you space is exactly how she can be there for you.

    As for the relatable comment, it could be that she's empathetic and simply pays attention to how certain situations can impact people. For example, I don't have to do drugs to know that getting high may feel good to some people, and that could lead to addiction. Sure, I don't know exactly how it feels myself, but I can relate to the idea of chasing something that feels good. She may just understand that when a part of a person isn't in line with the mainstream society, there can be conflict between the desire to be true to yourself and the desire to fit in. This can certainly contribute to mental issues.

    Naturally, I can't say with any certainty that I'm right, since emotions and human interactions are tricky. These are just my thoughts on the situation. I hope that maybe I was at least a little helpful.
     
    #4 BlueNeon, Mar 16, 2018
  5. starmotive

    starmotive
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    That is a very interesting take on the space that I hadn't considered. I think that may be a strong possibility, especially knowing her personality.

    As for the relatable part, sure it's a question of word choice, but wouldn't what you suggested be more 'understandable' than 'relatable'?

    Thank you for weighing in! It was helpful indeed!
     
    #5 starmotive, Mar 16, 2018
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