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Looking for support after almost losing everything

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by wesbluemarine, Jul 29, 2021.

  1. wesbluemarine

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    Hi everybody on here..
    I have been going through some things lately.
    I am a trans man, married for 5 years now and recently fought to the point where my husband and I almost separated.
    We have never really fought about anything serious before and there were days of things said to me that feel like they’ve permanently damaged my mental state. It was not his fault, I pushed him and we were both lashing out at each other. But it has brought us to a point where I feel I am for once not sure about my life. I love him and he loves me and we are working it out. But it feels like something has destroyed my whole life. And our whole lives have been each other. We are so close and private and have always been in our own sanctuary together. So this is like a shot gun blowing it away through the heart because I never anticipated us having this experience. And it ended up being that my testosterone therapy is where this began. I started the T several years ago so it has been a long time of us holding things in. Since we have always done everything together I am having a hard time because I have no one else to talk to. I lost connection with most of my friends many years ago. It is not a supportive community because I live in the middle of a very conservative province. There is no real way for me to even meet others in the community here.

    I am just looking for people to connect with who will listen to me and I can listen to them. I hope that I might find some welcoming here and maybe with support I can work through my life and develop new relationships… last night at dinner with his mom I had these thoughts of suicide that popped in my head, just uncontrollably, as she was saying how much she loved me, because she didn’t know about any of this and it hurt so much that time.

    Anyway.. I really just want to be a part of a community and talk to someone.. see if I can make some friends.. I hope someone is out there.
     
  2. SteveBi45

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    Welcome to EC and sharing your story. It sounds like you’re having a tough time right now. I can give some insights into my own marriage of 16 years which might help.

    All marriages go through tough times. They’re hard work. The fact that you are both arguing is actually a sign that you both want this to work. I’ve been at such a rough time in my marriage too. Considered divorce at one point, but we both married for life, so we worked through it and had the tough conversations.

    It might be worth considering going to see a marriage therapist together? From my experience with friends over the years, the ones who get therapy have a strong success rate for getting through the tough times.
     
  3. caden0803

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    It really sucks that you’re going through this right now. I went through a rough time awhile back, but thankfully I had the people who care about me there to help me persevere. It reminded me there can be light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong and hopefully that time will come for you too sooner rather than later.
     
    #3 caden0803, Jul 29, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 29, 2021
  4. wesbluemarine

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    Thanks for the reply, Steve. Marriage of 16 years.. that’s a long time. Can I ask how you worked through this and how it got better? I’ve been the dominant partner of my relationship, but over the years I think everything we went through stressed us out and I went into myself so I wasn’t giving him what he needs. Now that I’ve realized all the things that he’s been sensitive to that he never told me about, I was able to wake up so to speak and treat him right. The problem is, I don’t know if there’s still time for it to make a difference. I think it’s stereotypical to say this but I hear more men and women talking about this sort of thing - where the man is absent and when he realizes what’s wrong it’s too late for her..
     
  5. wesbluemarine

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    Thanks,
    Thanks, Caden. I’ve always felt unfortunate out here where we live because of it being such a closed minded place. It makes it hard to have a reliable circle of friends, and some unfortunate events made our old friend circle grow apart. I have always been strong but this is the first thing that has thrown me down.
     
  6. SteveBi45

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    A lot of honest communication and telling each other what our needs are. I’ve always been the quiet one in our relationship and always put my needs further down the list. But when I realized that doing this made things so bad that I might lose everything I spoke openly about my needs and my wife listened. She also talked openly about what she needed and we both made (and still do) a conscious effort to show our support to each other.

    This was a key point for me. Once I realized how much my wife was willing to do to save our marriage I owed it to her (and myself) to do the same.
     
  7. caden0803

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    No problem, know that you have a family here who will love ever part of you. No matter what highs and lows will come. Hold onto the people who support you outside of here too. Later you’ll look back fondly on how important those relationship were. You won’t be able to imagine your life without them because of the joy they brought.
     
    #7 caden0803, Jul 30, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 30, 2021