I'm still trying to figure myself out and have been trying to look back at my past for evidence of what I am. I can definitively say that I have reverse had a crush on a girl but now I wondering if I've had crushes on guys before which I hadn't recognized. I was always werid growing up (eleme try and middle schoo) so never really had anyone I could call friends. When I got to high-school thouh I start to come out of myself and making friends most of them were older than me being seniors. One guy in particular wrecked me. The first time hanging out and I was petrified, so nervous my voice and my hands are visibly shaking. I was always thinking about him and trying to arrange thing so I could be around him. I'd even get jealous if someone seemed to be a better friend with him. There was nothing sexual about these feelings that I'm aware of but I once dreamed of the two of us spooning but even that didn't seem sexuall at the time though I woke up with a weird tingling in my chest. This would repeat itself, whenever he graduated it would be someone else and on and on. So I guess the question is, where these crushes or did I just admire him, or thought he was cool? I've had other friends throughout this time, my best friend even, that I have never felt these same things for. Admiration and wanting to be cool and fit in, or gay crush that I subconsciously repressed or didn't recognise?
Sounds like crush territory to me. I had those same sort of feelings when I was younger too. Thinking someone was so cool and wanting to be around them a lot. In hindsight I've definitely come to recognize them as crushes.
You mentioned that you did not have a lot of friends and were a loner. It is really important, regardless of sexuality, to have male friends. Even as an older man, I seek out close friendships with males and will be almost giddy when I meet a guy that I can become friends with. I was the same as you when I was younger...no friends till high school. I had an intense desire to be accepted by other males. I know, at this point, being bisexual, that I can feel this intense attraction and desire to a man in a "straight" way as opposed to a "gay way" because I know they feel differently. What you felt could be, simply, this need for male bonding since you were not aroused by him. I can have very close male friends and be in all sorts of situations (like camping or skinny dipping) and have no sexual desires. Then, other guys will light my fire. I would say that you should try and develop these platonic friendships because they are important. At the same time, leave yourself open to the other feelings. After awhile, you will learn the difference if you are gay or bisexual.
