Long term singleton

That crap that you mentioned that comes with relationship is what makes it balanced. If you can put up with your partner's crap then that tells you a lot. You can accept her imperfections because you love her. And the checkbox list, that's only a preference. A guide. Your heart, guided by your mind, will choose weather to follow that checklist or not. Being single is ok of course if that is your choice. But if there is someone out there willing to love you, why not give a chance?

 

I dont think you've dated every American for you to justify that. I still think it's unfair, but ok, I respect your prespective.

 

Yeah, I mean, with all due respect, you just don't get it. Most people don't, which is why I don't talk to most people about this. I almost didn't answer the other person's question, can't remember her username, because of that. But I responded to PinkCarnation41 because it seemed like we were in somewhat of the same boat as far as not dating for a long time and her thinking she might not find someone.

And I don't want other women here to misunderstand at least this much--women don't like women like me, and that's their prerogative and they're entitled to that. I'm not saying they need to change how they do things just because it doesn't benefit me. I just wanted to make that clear because I've seen a lot of men who feel similarly to me about this, but they act entitled and bratty about it and start all kinds of weird Reddit groups and stuff where they whine and whine about this.

Okay, I've gotta be done with this thread now.

 

Hey chill, we're just having a conversation here. It' just a matter of respecting each other's perspective. I understand you.

 

It was my message to begin with and I think I do understand. I am very lucky to have met a partner who isn't like the things you hate about relationships but I don't think they are confined to the US. There are plenty of women over here who play games and have ridiculous expectations etc. The kind of girl you want and the kind of girl you are, are not run of the mill stereotypical and that makes things harder than they already are. I don't think there is anything wrong with being happy and content with being single, in fact I think if you are able to be that before trying to find someone that's a great thing. I'm not expecting to change your opinion on it with a message or two on a forum although I obviously wish I could. I wish I could share with you what my relationship is like for me. Truth be told if I had had the experiences you had had, I most likely would feel the same a sense you.

 

Honestly I feel this way too! You are so not alone and I think a lot of people crave a relationship like this. This essentially is all I've ever wanted. I am also very demonstrative with my feelings and also want that to be valued and the same passion shown towards me. I am still holding out for that kind of love. I may be waiting until I die, but I won't give up hope.

 

I also agree that not all American women are like this. That is a VERY broad generalization and it is just not true.

 

Hi PinkCarnation41! I'm sorry that you haven't yet had the dating opportunities that you would like. I don't have any experience of dating myself (as I'm married), but I wonder if there is anything new that you could try that might help you to meet somebody special. Do you think that the difficulty is your location? Are you near any cities with plenty of gay people? You say that you've drifted in and out of LGBT groups. I wonder if there are other groups that you could try and would enjoy more, or if you could use those same groups to widen your circle of gay friends generally. Are you a bit shy or more outgoing? Have you considered online dating? I'm sure lots of people here have much better suggestions based on wider experience than I have. Please don't be discouraged. It may be a question of finding other ways to meet more people who are open to new relationships. Good luck!

 

I think my situation is different but maybe relatable. I haven't seriously dated... ever... really. There isn't one reason for this, but part of the reason is I gave up on relationships for 8 years due to believing there wasn't a decent guy out there or they were taken. Eventually though I opened up again for a few years (no success). Life's been rough including the realization I liked women. I've ended up in therapy and been working out a lot of things.

I've made posts on these forums about how little faith I have in finding someone. I really get that, I understand why, and it's okay to feel that. You don't have to let that thought or feeling choose your actions though. You can choose to believe other valid and more helpful beliefs. I'm still in therapy, I'm not looking for romance right now, but I'm feeling more confident than before about relationships.

Something that helps me is the thought that there are "enough" people out there who would make a good partner. Since I only want one partner, I don't need dozens of compatible people. Yet there are many more than dozens out there. I forget how much 1% of the population is, but I recall it being well over a million I think. So even if there's less than 1% of compatible people out there... that's enough. You can't even date that many. So there are enough decent, healthy, people out there we can form deep and loving connections with.

The other thing, because I'm working out my issues, my relationship patterns, and learning how to effectively engage in relationships... I think it will radically change my relationships and social circles as a whole. It will change who I meet, who I chose to date, and who will be willing to date me. I believe I'll have more success finding, building, and maintaining a relationship.

I don't believe it'll happen right away when I get back to dating. I do believe my lack of success before won't keep following me.

 

I think there's hope. You never know when the right person will walk into your life. I've been in a long-term relationship with my husband and only recently realized I'm attracted to women, so I can't relate directly, but the woman I've fallen in love with has been single for 20+ years and had pretty much given up. We just clicked. It happened unexpectedly and fast (though it took both of us awhile to admit it to ourselves and each other). Fingers crossed that you'll find your person soon. I like the ideas Drizzle mentioned. Maybe go into some situations and work on making friends, but keep yourself open to possibilities.

 

I am going to throw something out there that is a bit of a curve ball:

How about finding contentment within yourself being single, and not focus so much on trying to date and find a partner?

I personally believe the only person that truly has the ability to make each of us happy is actually ourselves.

And rather than try and compare yourself to what you are portrayed in the media, instead focus on what it is about you that you enjoy and what makes you personally happy.

Yes, it’s nice to have companionship, but companionship is not required to have a personally fulfilling life and finding happiness.

Just food for thought.

 

I think OTH is spot on. I know so many people who finally met their partner when they finally decided they were alright without one, myself included. It makes sense though. If you want someone to look at your life and say hey I want to be a part of that it can't be broken or incomplete in some way. Build an amazing life on your own and amazing people with their own amazing lives will want to share it. When I finally met my husband (after 5 kinda wonderful years of dating) most of me felt this amazing contentment--I'd finally found him--but part of me thought: dang it, I was just getting good at this.

 

I know a ton of queer femme and butchy women like this. I can't discuss political issues 24/7, as it depresses and exhausts me, so I actually think you've got a very specific pool to choose from if you really wanted to.

Maybe you need to shorten YOUR laundry list.


To the OP -- I've been single for a really long time. About to hit my 30s, so I'm not in too much of a rush, but I think love can happen at any age. You just have to find the right person. Sometimes I think it takes longer for some people because their person is taking awhile to get near them (that's me being romantical). You also have to be open to it, I imagine. Right place right time stuff.

 

I'm 35 and I have never had a healthy romantic relationship because I can't let people in. Sexual abuse when I was young left me with personal barriers no one has really breached(fully). Additionally I have PTSD which is lovely to deal with.

The funny thing is, other aspects of my life are pretty good. After enough time passes, it becomes easier to accept. While ideally I would like to find someone, I've been careful to make sure the areas of my life that are going well are fulfilling.

You know what comforts me?

I could rush into an unhealthy relationship and be miserable. Being single at least there is some stability.