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Long, but just confused still???????

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Wolf123, Aug 25, 2017.

  1. Wolf123

    Regular Member

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    It was strange reading what you had texted me.....

    I remember when we met last year. You were my coworker. It was strange especially when you asked me to hang out. Would you like to attend a concert I am going to, I have an extra ticket? I remember saying no because I didn't want to befriend anyone; bad experiences hindered me. I questioned your motives and I had a feeling you may be into girls....but who knows I have been wrong. I kept it to myself and just worked and went home. My luck being friends with you could end the same way it has with other friends; strange hey? You asked me about hanging out and trying to get in my bubble. I always avoided it because I just couldn't especially hanging out with someone I worked with.

    You changed my mind after awhile and I thought of taking a chance. It was strange someone who had my back at work. I never heard anything I said to you repeated; it was nice. I remember when I invited you out rock climbing.

    I remember after awhile I started going out with another girl; long distance. It made me keep my distance a little bit from you because I knew feelings may start if I hung out with you. I let the hang outs come and go. I was a friend.

    i remember getting my new job and thinking that we could hang out more since it was easier for me. You took me out for the new job. We went Christmas shopping. It was strange because you wanted to hang out. I remember how afterwards we just chatted about life and work. Gah, we had to have been standing in the parking lot for an hour just chatting. I remember how we went to get dinner once and we just picked a random place; you said you didnt care. I remember when we went to that smoothie place. It was strange to have someone who wanted to hang out.

    You remember when I confided in you about Jordyn? I remember you listened and allowed me to vent. Gah, I felt bad because I was so hurt and discouraged about myself. I mean it didnt work out with Jordyn. I felt like crap having you listen and listen. I thanked you so many times for being there for me. I said you were an amazing friend etc. You said ditto. I remember you chatted with me about your dates and how they went and how you wished someone would just ask how you are doing. After you said that, thats all I wanted to ask you. I remember even admitting to you I had a crush on you in the past.....you said you did not!

    I started talking to my really close friend about you. I always said how you always had my back and that she should meet you....in my eyes you were amazing. I remember I asked you if you would like to come to my birthday. I asked you the day before and you said yes. You showed up and gave me a card I cherished and even a gift card to my favorite place. It was strange because you were the first person I ever let inside my home.

    The next get together we all went to trivia night. It was fun and now I wish it never happened. We went and had a blast. I think we all did. I remember you wanting me to see your new place; I was nervous when you asked me, I saw us as a friends, but I was attracted to you. We left that night and I texted to see if you were home, but I forgot you said you were going to head to work to finish some stuff.

    I remember I explained to you that phones werent allowed at my work and email was best. I missed something from my email address and you searched high and low for it through your phone. You sent emails responding...... I remember you would let me know when your next day off was etc.

    The second time we went to trivia you brought your friends along. Imagine, I was nervous and your other friends were coming. It caught me off guard though. I remember you guys teased me about me being loud with the trivia night. It was one place I thought I could be free to be whoever I wanted. You guys started saying how this was me with just caffeine; no alcohol. I didnt care because in the end it was fun for me. I remember you guys teased me about me not allowing you to touch me. It started with your friend saying how cute we were when I asked for you to sit closer so I could use my phone during the trivia game (Yeah I know I was cheating), they joked around and I scooted away. After that I kept my distance. You guys started to laugh when I started running away the closer you got. It became a game. I let it go. I mentioned about playing pool and you guys said sure. I won the game that night, however I still remember me just playing and you saying oh no I am offending her again. It was strange since I was just standing there playing a game. The next thing I knew we went to your place to play games....I acted like a goof ball just cause thats what the game asked for. I was guilty of one thing that night though. I had to stop myself from looking at you.

    The next time we hung out, you were having a bad day and I asked if you wanted to join me downtown with a couple of friends and I to keep your mind off of it. You asked for me to pick you up and part of me wanted to say no; I still picked you up though. I picked you up and you looked great. I mean I was your friend so me saying you were beautiful would have crossed a line right? I left it alone and allowed the day to progress. We got out of the car and started walking towards where we were meeting my friends. We bumped into one another and I pulled away. It was strange what I heard next from you though. "Stop trying to hold my hand." I remember I got guarded at that point and said I wasn't trying to. I never wanted to cross that line out of respect. I let it go. One of my friends wanted to go do this thing in October and you said we should. It was strange because we were friends right?

    That night on the way home was strange. I felt a bit of anger coming from you. I wasn't sure why. I guess part of me wanted to ask and another part of me got scared. I let it go.

    I remember I asked you the following day if I could speak with you about something. You said sure. I expressed that I felt a little uncomfortable when you said to not hold your hand. I thought it was going to be a quick dang I am sorry and we just let it go. However, for some reason I got something unexpected. I remember your message like yesterday.

    You stated you did that to your other friend and you were sorry that it made me uncomfortable, but honestly as it was you didnt feeling you could be yourself comfortably around me. I felt so confused and tried to ask when you had felt that way, but you cut it short. The following day, I apologized and for some reason after that I still felt confused and it felt unresolved.

    I asked if you wanted to go to trivia night again. You said yes. It was another night, but something was different. You sat near me that night. Your friends started joking around about me and all I was asking for was a pen. I asked no one gave so I tried to grab one from your hand. I guess I was being playful trying to be better with not causing you to feel you would offend me. I just wanted to be fun. I remember we kept hold of one anothers hand and you said if I didnt let go you would tickle me. You started to and I didnt pull away. I just looked in your eyes and just let the night be. The strange thing I noticed though was your friend had their phone pointed at us. I let it go.

    After that I wished I hugged you....I even said I wasnt sure how to approach the hug..... you said next time. Whats strange is I felt there would be no next time.

    I texted you the next day after I worked the night shift; after that it felt weird. I started to text you as I always had and I felt a distance coming from you. I remember I asked if you wanted to hang out week after. You said you were busy. For some reason I felt something was off. Even when you said yes about the trip in October.

    I asked if everything was okay.....I got no response.

    I remember the last time I texted you I mentioned that I wasnt sure if our friendship was okay? for some reason I explained how much I cared for you and that I had feelings for you. I asked you if you wanted to be friends still since I felt anger coming from you; I wasnt sure though. I asked if the friendship was over and wanted to check in on us as friends.

    The response I got was strange. It seemed like everything you stated in the text you had been holding in so long; I wasnt sure who I was texting at that time. I remember you stated I was taking things to the extreme and you had enough going on. You said I had issues. You then stated I used you when I stopped talking to Jordyn. Strange thing was I was still friends with Jordyn...... the last thing was you didnt know if we could be friends.

    I responded by apologizing and it was like what I wrote didnt matter...It was kind of like you said everything you wanted to say and spit me out without us talking it out.

    I spoke about it with my close friend and I wondered: Why did you say yes? If you thought such things about me why did you hang out with me?
    Why did you want me around if I made you feel uncomfortable and you felt used by me. Why did you want me in your world when all I brought was that feeling for you? I wish I knew that why..... My friend even had to tell me that I never forced you to hang out.
     
  2. Moonsparkle

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    Hi Wolf,
    This was a long post, but how you articulated the experiences and the your feelings around each 'step' of this journey with your friend made it well worth the read for me.

    I am sorry that in the end your friend seemed to say what she wanted to say and then just left things, apparently not willing to talk things out further. And I do think your close friend who you spoke to about the situation has some valid points. If the 'crush friend' was thinking such things about you, why did she continue hanging out with you? Was she have these feelings all along--and if she was feeling 'used', thought you had 'issues' -- why did she continue the friendship at all? Or was it something about the accidental-almost-hand-holding incident that caused her to react in such a way. I guess you might never know. But it is true no one can force someone to be friends with them, you and her being in the friendship was a two way street, you never forced her to hang out.

    We always want answers and to know the reasons why. And so often we just don't know the reasons.You will get through this, she may contact you again and be willing to talk, or maybe not. But if not you will definitely get to a point where you will make peace with the not knowing. And as long as you stay involved socially with the rest of your friends and continue meeting new people I think this will happen sooner rather than later. :slight_smile: I have this quote on my fridge that I have referred to after those 'what the heck just happened here' situations in my life where I am left wondering 'Why?', hope you find it helpful too!

    'You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months,
    over-analyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying
    what could've, would've happened; or you can just leave the pieces
    on the floor and move the %^&* on.'