Im a 30 yo straight female, never been in a relationship. My mother abandoned me when i was small, started a new life and still doesn't have a relationship with me. Ive always ignored the pain of it but over the years noticed I cant be intimate or emotional with people especially men. I'm terrified if I show affection to them or my feelings I'll be rejected. I'm only comfortable around woman but I'm still not close or show emotions to them either and its always a friendly basis. I cant even have a casual flirty convo with a guy in fear of me saying somthing to have them ghost me, rejection is a big issue of mine. I know this is silly but I'm overthinking about maybe I'm not into men or somthing and im just craving attention from them to feel validated? I will be honest in my 30 years ive never once had a crush or been attracted to a female in a romantic or physical way and my career is a female dominate job. Even as a little girl I loved boys. Im only curious because for some reason when I masterbate i always think of woman only but when I orgasm i think of a man I like. I dont even see myself settling with a woman so maybe I'm just afraid of male rejection because its emotional or somthing.
Welcome to EC. I’m sorry to hear about your childhood. That must be really difficult. Have you had therapy for childhood abandonment? It might help you to unpick what’s going on.
I go to therepy, but I don't talk about my real feelings which I guess further proves my issues. I base my entire worth on if a guy likes me back or not. I cant seem to get into a relastionship with a guy which made me think im meant to be with a woman. Everytime I ask this question online and i type out my feelings I feel silly. I look at traits of being lesbian online and alot of them say they have at least had crushes on females growing up or had a female friend that felt attached to. Ive never had that, ive always been attracted and crave male attention. When a male rejects me I get so upset I make myself sick. Ive also seen woman say they feel the need to kiss another female or a female friend and I have a distinct memory of mine where I wanted to kiss a male friend of mine that I liked so much that I felt crazy. I dont know I'm just ranting lol
Don’t worry about ranting. You’ve got a lot on your mind. Would it help to write down what you want to say to your therapist and possibly email it beforehand? Whatever your sexuality, I think it’s important that you work on your fear of rejection. When you think about your future, what is it that you imagine and want?
I see myself settling down with a baby and a husband but I cant see it happening because I feel I dont deserve it. Im also constantly comparing myself to other woman I see that guys like and it doesn't help that im overweight. My first thought always always always when I like a guy or see a guy is " why would he want to be with me when there is other woman?" And i think it stems from the fact that I'm unable to be emotional or affectionate. God im a mess
Try not to compare yourself to others. It’s never helpful. Think about goals and ways of achieving them, e.g. you want to work on your fear of rejection and ability to emotionally connect, so how can you do that?
Hey its tough when you have had such trauma and feel like you don't deserve anything. From what you have said, it doesn't sound like you are gay just that you struggle to initiate conversation with guys and are dependant on validation. @LostInDaydreams made a great suggestion about writing things down for your therapist. I know its tough but if you don't tell them how you really feel they cannot help you.
I feel the same way-- I only remembered having crushes on boys all throughout elementary school. I have a rocky relationship with my mom in the context of girly beauty stuff and crushes towards celebrities-- I'm not a girly girl, and I could never feel "worthy enough" to admit crushes towards obvious beauty icons. However, I had some attractions towards girls that I was never really aware of. For me, I was actually scolded both directly and passively by my mother if I looked at a woman what she would identify as "a certain way", so I just held it in for the most part. But I wholeheartedly feel the intense fear of rejection you have. I wasn't a looker growing up, but I had a lot of rough rejections thrown in my face that I did not deserve (even for wanting to be a friend, guys then were mad petty). So I bottled up my attractions to men alongside women so they could age into a nice fermented drink called my sexuality. Anyways, you may have never had that "love at first sight" or explosive firework feeling in your tummy when you look at a girl-- it's ok! I didn't either, it could be just who you are. Just because you have a female-dominant job and you haven't been attracted to any of them doesn't mean you aren't into women, just not into those women. Because you stated before that you have a heavy fear of rejection, you could have the same coping mechanism preventing you from admitting to yourself that you like the same gender, where you fear the rejection of a woman the most. I don't want to assume it could be because of your mother's abandonment, but it's definately something you have to soul-search.
It could still be bisexual, if you display a sexual attraction to both. You can have a preference for dating, it doesn't make your desires any less valid.
