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Limited but intense attraction for a “type”

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Jan 1, 2020.

  1. Nickw

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    Not really looking for advice here. Just really wondering if what I feel is common for other gay or bisexual men.

    I can look at a hundred men and feel no sort of desire at all. Some pretty famous guys that everyone talks about and I can tell they are good looking but I feel nothing.

    Ive been camping in a surf camp for a couple months. There are all sorts of good looking guys around. But, there is one guy that I am almost ridiculously attracted to. So much so that i almost hurt with longing.

    The thing is. He looks like I did when I was thirty. Similar build and features. He could also pass for my boyfriends brother.

    I was never that way with women. I find a wide range of women attractive. But, I can go a year without feeling this about a guy. This made it really easy for me to fool myself about my sexuality.

    It’s age related too. If a guy looks younger than 25 or so or older than 35 I just cannot summon this sort of desire. I’m assuming this is some sort of learned behavior. But, it’s also convenient that my attractions are so limited. I can be “part time gay”.

    Anyone else feel this way?
     
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  2. SiennaFire

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    Hey @Nickw

    How are things with you?

    It seems that you are attracted to guys who are half your age?

    When I was in that phase, I was still accepting my sexual orientation.


    HTH,
    SF
     
  3. Nickw

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    Hey SF. Yeah, I’ve wondered about that. I’ve had a FWB for a year who is in his early thirties. We are in a “short term” exclusive relationship. Neither of us is interested right now in anything else although I keep encouraging him to find a guy who he could marry.

    When I met him he floored me because he was like my fantasy guy. I couldn’t not hook up and we have clicked on many levels. He and my wife also get along well.

    I haven’t seen him for several weeks while I travel so I’m doing a little guy watching...just for fun. And, I find my attractions are such a narrow band.
     
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  4. angeluscrzy

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    I never really had a type I think when it comes to women. I've wondered if that was just due to an overall lack of interest. Like, being able to appreciate that someone looks nice, but not really having any strong preference.
    That said, when it comes to guys, I absolutely have a type and when I look thru photos on my phone of guys I find hot (i.e. celebs, musicians, whatever) there's definitely a common theme with all of them.
     
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  5. SiennaFire

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    Because of the longing, I wonder if your mind is trying to tell you something by being attracted intensely to guys who look like you in your 30s?

    To elaborate, when I first came out and began accepting my gay side, my sexual age was reset (as part of the second adolescence) and there was a gap with my chronological age. It was easier for me to date younger guys who were closer to my sexual age, including a notion of catching up with lost youth. As the second adolescence wore off, I realized that I wanted to start dating guys closer to my age because they are better matches with where I am in life.

    Of course your situation is different since you are not looking for a primary relationship with a guy, that is, you have no plans on leaving your wife.
     
  6. Nickw

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    @SiennaFire

    Thanks for the response. I do wonder if I have some sort of internalized homophobia regarding guys my age. So, maybe that affects what I find attractive. A lot of guys my age became sexually active during the aids epidemic. My childhood best friend became HIV positive in the early days. I cannot rid myself of this sense that older gay men are somehow “dirty” because of this. This is a horribly strong word. But, even though I have a number of gay friends my age I shudder at the thought of intimacy with them. But, I also feel that way about most guys of any age that aren’t my type just stronger with older guys.

    My first gay lover, a couple years back, was in his early twenties but looked and acted a lot older. We rock climbed and camped. He had very little experience with men and I had none. We explored together. It was a chance for me to experience gay intimacy in what felt so innocent and, well, clean. So, maybe the second adolescence deal is real for me.

    I had a boyfriend when I was thirteen to sixteen. I didn’t understand what it was at the time. But there was an older man in our church that creeped me out. I think he may have abused my friend. He knew what we were. Something about guys with gray hair just triggers a reaction in me that I cannot explain.

    My type is dark haired, medium build muscular men with a fair amount of dark body hair maybe 30 to 35. Drives me crazy. It did when I was a teenager too when they were the older men. It’s like my attractions froze in time. It’s also what I look like.

    I sense there are a number of different things going on with me that really define my attractions to such a select type of guy.
     
  7. SevnButton

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    I'm not sure I'm qualified to chime in here, since it's been decades since I've had sex with a guy. I think our "types" has at least the potential to reflect a lot of our psychological make-up, regardless of gender. Toward guys, my type reflects what I'd like to be: physically fit, trim, and pleasant muscular definition, especially in his arms. And at the top of the list: vitality and aliveness. Age-wise, he has to be old enough to be distinctly senior to my children.

    When I'm around people, like while shopping, I look around and the great majority of the people (men and women) don't attract me at all. Just occasionally I see a stunning guy who makes my heart flutter, and I can't stop looking at him.
     
  8. Nickw

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    When I was a kid, I definitely wanted to have the look of THOSE guys and it was attainable with some work on my part. Maybe it’s as simple as learned behavior. But, it sure made it easy for decades to say I wasn’t even bisexual because it was only THAT guy I found that did it for me.
     
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  9. SevnButton

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    I'm on jury duty, still only as a potential juror. The judge and the prosecuting attorney are both really attractive women. Buy my! oh my! I just can't keep my eyes off the bailiff!
     
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  10. Nickw

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    Svenbutton

    Did he fit the description you had of your fantasy guy?
     
  11. Tightrope

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    Yes and no. I do not find myself terribly attracted to my own type. I started a discussion about this once. I am more likely to do a double take - and so do they - if the shopping carts pass each other. I think people notice their look alikes despite their own gender and sexual preference. It can be familiar and intriguing.

    I tend to notice guys who are similar but different enough - where the thought of looking alike would not come up. The big age difference isn't my thing. I am fine with guys around my own age if they take care of themselves. I am sometimes in a situation where I have to work around young people and see a couple of guys whose looks must really be to their advantage comparing them to their peers. I think about what experiencing that advantage would be like. In my mid thirties, I once got it on by a guy who was 26. I was a little thrown off by it but this person was the aggressor and it turned out this person had experienced a lot in 26 years. More than I had at his age.

    There is more spread in the types of women I've noticed but friends who know me have also pointed out what that spread is and they've gotten it right. I notice younger women more than I do women closer to my age now. That is a thing a person has to be careful saying in many circles, but I'm putting it out there because it's the truth. I do not approach them or expect anything. I accept that the age difference is way bigger than I am comfortable with. I do like it when they are more friendly toward me than the age difference would call for and leave it at that - flattered.

    I think I know what you you mean. I have experienced some of the "with some work on my part." It's good to hear someone mention this. It means others have dealt with this. This could be tied in to sexuality but most men and women have those "want to be like ( )" ideas going. I suppose people are supposed to grow out of that but I don't know how often and when that happens.

    It hasn't gotten quite to staring yet, right? Must be an interesting type.
     
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  12. Tightrope

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    Another typo. Darn. Meant to say "got hit on" instead of "got it on."
     
  13. SevnButton

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    Mostly yes. He had very pleasant features, and he was strong and fit. Maybe too young.
     
    #13 SevnButton, Jan 17, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 17, 2020
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  14. Nickw

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    Haha. I guess it sounds great either way. I’m learning that I probably do have some issues with needing the approval of guys that are a certain age. I’m not sure why it is this age range 30 to 35 that matter so much to me.

    But, it has been a constant. Those guys are now much younger men. But, when I was much younger they were the older guys. It’s like I am fixed in time in my same sex attractions.

    I sometimes wonder if part of what drives my relationship with my friend is that he is right in the middle of that age range. I find him “compelling”.
     
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  15. Tightrope

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    I also looked at older guys, which would have been in their 40s and good looking, when I was younger. It had nothing to do with an absent father figure and they looked nothing like him. It was mostly a look that was affirmed by listening to other people. Conditioning? Possibly. If this is something that vexes you in any way, it could be something you can or may have brought up in a therapeutic situation, if you have ever gone through that.
     
  16. OnTheHighway

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    I had a very specific physical type that I was attracted to early on. It seemed to have been a result of a prior teenage relationship I had and most guys fit the physicality similar to the guy from back then. As I evolved as a gay man and grew out of my 2nd or even 3rd gay adolescence, my physical attractions began to vary wide and far. Today, I don’t have a type (no race hangups, socioeconomic background issues, or cultural background impediments) but I do look for certain characteristics more focused on personality, mannerism, and a look in their eye.

    The strange thing is, since I decided to no longer interpret attraction based on sexual chemistry, where I once quickly fell for guys where I had intense sexual and physical chemistry and where the person may be a good match, now the sexual chemistry in any relationship is a secondary priority and is something that I am comfortable having evolve and develop over time.
     
    #16 OnTheHighway, Jan 26, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
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  17. Poofter

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    I have a type, but to be honest it’s not a look. I can find beauty in all shapes and sizes, for me it’s a personality. I love the outgoing type. I can usually pick them out in a crowd. With that can come a look but not typically. Might partly be because I’m an introvert personality that I’m attracted to the outgoing.
     
    #17 Poofter, Jan 26, 2020
    Last edited: Jan 26, 2020
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  18. Adz6

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    I also have a limited type of man that I’m attracted to. He must a great great personality, a ready smile with sparkling teeth, and as the eyes are the window to the soul he must have clear eyes
     
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  19. Gonsa

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    I have no experience about being with guys, I just know one guy whos really cute, I like to be with him but I can not imagine kiss him or having sex with him, I did try because of curiosity to imagine having sexy with him, be wasn't a very interesting experience after all, have you try to imagine that?

    I just got to this forum and I got asked this questiln but in a different subject, is like you need to create and image on your mind and if that is what you like it most, could be the real thing, I guess, not very sure neither but I think could make a difference.