A few weeks ago I suggested to my girlfriend of 2 years that we have a break. I felt I was putting more into the relationship than her and it turned out my feelings were right. She has a lot of worries at the moment that I understand and that are not for me to share but I have been there for her through some really upsetting times and now feel I am not needed and have been flicked aside. I have always had the feeling that I have been a cog fitting into her life, that she is on her journey through her problems and I fit nicely in the mix. But It has been a good couple of years. Good time have far outweighed anything bad. We get on so well, laugh, joke... talk for hours. Well... thinking now she talks for hours. She had applied to take in students and wasn't accepted. The agency gave their reasons and she had a melt down. Her confidence is low already and she is going through the change and is very emotional too. I have supported her through all this. The break I spoke about at the beginning was for 4 weeks. We only got halfway through this break. We both felt crap and knew that each of us were looking at the WhatsApp page to see if the other had been looking. We both had. After 2 weeks we got together and had what I thought was a really good conversation. It even involved that I did want to commit and make that jump and move in with her. Not straight away but we would plan around her child and finances etc but it would happen. We had a great weekend. Lovely walks, even nearly bought a new tent. I went to work from her house on the Monday morning. I got a text mid morning saying she loved me and missed me. Then by lunchtime she messaged telling me about the feedback she got from this agency and she just went to pieces. In the blurb that fell out of her mouth she stated " I Don't even know if I want you or just need you" I felt so cut. But at the same time the honesty was there and I couldn't respond to what she had said. She went quiet and said she did love me but was so mixed up, had so many things to sort she didn't know how she felt. I replied by saying there is nothing I can say to that, I thanked her for being honest, I told her I was stepping away and she needed to sort herself out. See a doctor, get some help. That was only 2 days ago. Last night I sent her a message and said I hoped she felt better. She was pleased I had messaged and said she was heartbroken. She said she was going to respect my space and would not have messaged me yet. I was the best thing that has ever happened to her and she had messed it up. I said we could try and be friends. Only texts, nothing else for a while. I will still be there for her son who I love. She said I may find that hard but she would love us to be in touch. Today I got a message. It was long and told me about all the positive stuff she started to do today to sort herself. At the end she said once she has sorted herself she can be honest about us. This is where I am getting confused and not sure what to do or how to go on from here. The way I felt, and what I said to her previously was... if you love someone you surely must know it??? Is it something you have to work out? Deep down, don't you know if you are in love with someone, or just need them... use them?? Her remark about needing me meaning... when we are together I am her rock (she says) I do most of the cooking... it's like I am a carer. She just stops. She doesn't do much in the way of anything to be honest. I have messaged back saying the message was confusing. I felt we had finished. She messaged back saying she was sorting out how she felt but it didn't matter as it was how I felt now. So I have gone from today feeling I was single (actually coping quite well as it was more definite) and having to move on without her to now wondering if I want to wait and see how she feels once she has sorted herself out. I have never felt like this before. My relationships with men were ended by me and I was always relieved. I never felt emotionally involved with the men in my life, not like this. My friend at work thinks she is dangling a carrot in front of me. She wants to keep me waiting to see how she feels. I don't think so but my head is all over the place at the moment so I am not thinking straight. I know I still love her, I think I love her as I am not even sure now after some of the stuff she said. I am wondering how I will feel if she wants me back. Any suggestions. Help !!!! x
Hey, I was thinking about you and wondering how you were doing. I'm sorry you have been on such a rollercoaster. It is clear your girlfriend has a lot of stuff going on but it doesn't give her the right to treat you that way. I kind of feel like if she really loved you the way you love her, she'd already have been getting support and help for her issues. From what you have written it's clear that you get on well and have a lot of fun but at the same time it sounds like you have become so useful to her that I do wonder if the reason she doesn't want to just end it is because she knows what she will miss out on. I think you should go your separate ways, to hang around wondering what if, is going to be like hell for you and I just don't think it's doable, in fact it's almost a bit like what you have been doing. At the end of the day I am a firm believer that if it's meant to be it's meant to be, so go and develop as people and if it's meant to be you will find your way back to each other when you are ready and if it's not meant to be, well you have had fun and learnt a lot.
It's a killer... I said we can still message and it feels strange how she is carrying on like we are still together properly. I have this silly notion that maybe there is something there, we got together at the wrong time. She had so much going on and even said at the time she was not ready for another relationship. I should have listened then. I feel she got swept along with the moment too and now we are here. We do love each other but mine is definitely stronger. I am actually not sure how long I can take the texts but feel so sad to stop them. I will give it a few days. Maybe the weekend will be the decider if I carry on torturing myself or end it finally. I know deep down it isn't finished till I do that. But for the first time in my life ever I can't find that strength even though I know it's the right thing to do. I too believe in if it's meant to be. Just need a bit more courage xxx
You will get there. Sometimes we just need a few days to get our mind around the facts and the situation. I think it's possible you might be able to be friends but I think that will be much further down the line. First of all once you decide it's what you want you need a clean break. I know it's so easy for me to say and not that easy to do but just for the beginning you need to learn to find comfort elsewhere. In my last past I didn't mean to make it sound like she didn't love you. It's clear you both care for each other. I think hindsight is a wonderful thing, it's easy when something isn't working to say the start or the timing or this that and the other were wrong. At the end of the day we can only make the best decision we can at the time and then work with it. For many reasons perhaps it was wrong but just as many if not more it was also right. Have you ever heard of the reason, season and lifetime thing? Perhaps you came together for a reason.
It is so hard. Silverhalo is so right. You need time to make sense of everything and like you said, get your head together. Sometimes we are up so close to it we cannot see the wood for the trees. Ambivalence from the one we love can be agony. Try to treat yourself well and compassionately - eat regularly, good food, exercise and sleep (or at the very least rest). And spend time with supportive people.
Hello, you are both so right. I have gotten angry today. I feel like a old fool. This is the first real heartache I have experienced. This should have happened when I was younger. We have been messaging, she has been replying telling me how she is getting stuff sorted but still with the "hello loves, love you.. a few miss you's as well. She sent a long text today about a chat with her boss explaining why she hasn't been at the top of her game (she is a teacher) her head teacher is a friend. On the drive home from work I got upset. I pulled into a lay by and text her. I said that I needed to know if there was a chance there would be a future for us. That I wasn't exactly waiting but I needed to know as I am in love with her but if she was letting me down gently by distancing me so as not to cause me any more pain... instead of just letting me go? She needed to tell me. This led to a long line of texts. How she does love me, no doubt. She can see a future for us. She did need my support. She just needed space. It's her birthday next Saturday. I suggested as she needed space we could go out for a meal the week after. Our messages crossed and hers mentioned booking a camping holiday we had been talking about. I was a bit stunned. I said I was surprised at her message. I said the end of August is a long way off... I asked how much space she needed. She replied 2 months! I said that was too long. Then she said we could meet for the meal I suggested. See each other in between??? I just sent her a message saying she can have all the time she needs. Messaging her is like being on a roller coaster. I have left it at that. She even said a bit earlier I could go to her Dad's BBQ on Sunday?? I am so so so confused!
Arhhhhhh am I mad... She just messaged in reply to my text " Sorry love, I am confusing myself, I miss you, night xx " What is going on. I know I have to stay clear for a while. I find that so hard. I don't want to delete her from my phone or block her, how can I resist messaging her. I miss her sooo badly!
I have no advice to offer. Only to say that argghhh...women...they confuse me too. And that I do get the particular bitter twist of having to deal with all these teenage emotions at midlife...when we should have got all that stuff out the way long ago in our youth - or so it feels. Hugs to you my lovely. Xx
@JackieScut Tell yourself she’s in some far off corner of the universe that has no data service and then get on with your life. Hopefully, she takes the time she claims to need and in that time, you can heal yourself and let your mind clear so you can be better prepared if /when she makes contact again. If it’s before those two months, don’t engage if you can. It really isn’t healthy being torn apart by this back and forth. You’re not doing yourself any favours. :[
Arh guys thank you. That is exactly what it feels like Really... being torn. My gut is in knots. I am going to try and stay so strong tomorrow and not look at the messages. But it's like a magnet pulling me towards it. I have gone back on meetup tonight and am trying to re-connect on there. The last 2 years have been wrapped up in her, her friends and family. I don't have much family... my friends I have kept in touch with but not like before I met K. Although I did feel slightly different towards some of my friends when I first came out. I changed. I have just done something a bit scary. I have started a Meetup group near to me. Just to see if there are any other gays in my village that want a friend to share a meal with or go to the cinema with. I am going to see if we can get a little group going... just friends. I paid for a month. See how that goes. Between EC and meetup I am staying clear of FB and WhatsApp! Thank you ladies xxx
That’s really good! Meet some new people. Maybe even reconnect with your own friends. It’s starting to sound like you gave and gave without much taking. Ideally, it should be more or less balanced, shouldn’t it? What kind of events will you post in your meetup?
Great advice. Focus on getting on with your life. You cannot be hanging around indefinitely at someone else's beck and call - even if you adore her: it is not on. I won't say "move on" because that is the worst phrase ever invented and one doesn't really do that, rather you just over time integrate all of this into your life experience...but do allow yourself to live and enjoy what life has to offer...
I don't know if it is just me but I actually feel as though she is being really unfair. It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it (which I personally think is a stupid saying, I mean what's the point in having cake if you are not going to eat it). I know you are the one the initiated the break but that was due to her distance in the relationship which she agreed was an issue. She is now saying she wants 2 months but at the same time wants to be in constant contact as if nothing has changed and it isn't fair. It's like with one hand she is pushing you away but the other is pulling you closer. She knows you love her and that's what she is counting on. I'm not trying to make her out as a horrible person, I'm sure she isn't but right now she isn't being fair. I agree with @Really you have to imagine she is uncontactable. Perhaps every time you feel the urge to send her a message you could write it in a diary or book, that way you are kind of getting out what you would like to say without actually saying it to her. I hope you get some interest in your group, that was a really good idea. You can't be the only gay in the village surely!
Silverhalo I think just the same and I lost the plot this morning. She messaged this morning like nothing had happened. I said it was really confusing, that maybe I should never have suggested staying in touch. That we should not talk till we meet on the 29th. Then it went to me getting angry. I said the problem was with her. If she loved me she loved me she wouldn't need time to think about it. I was really really honest. I told her that this was the most emotional I had been over anyone because this time I really care. I said if she loved me and wanted me then she would want me to support her through some other stuff she has going on and not push me away. I told her what my friend had said... "Don't let her use you as a marionette" I said that was how I felt. I told her my strings were about to snap. We text for an hour or so. She said she did love me. She wanted me in her life and her feelings were very strong but not as strong as mine. She is scared, scared it will up go tits up and she will lose me forever. She said her feelings are too deep to have me just as a friend. She said some really honest and lovely things. She said the fact we only see each other at weekends is hard (this is true) and she mentioned some things I didn't realise that had upset her. The main one about a new job I took. I hated my previous job and had started to look for something near to her. A job came up that I couldn't refuse... near to me, good money and more responsibility. I do love it. She took that as me moving away from her. I told her she needs to talk to me. It all got very emotional. I told her I didn't want to wait till the 29th. It was all stupid drama. She agreed and said we either need to make another go of it or finish. She is coming to me this evening and we are going to talk. In previous relationships I would never have done this. I would have walked away and given up. I love this woman so much I think it is worth listening to what she says tonight. The knot feeling in my stomach has gone for a while. I am looking forward to seeing her but tonight either way a decision has to be made. She has to tell me what is going on in her head. None of this adds up properly. I even gave her the chance of letting me go. Head f@@k*********
Hiya . Been an emotional few days. Not sure how I am feeling to be honest. I know I started this and then some other things came into play which led me to this bloody confusing mess. She came over Saturday night. Stayed. We had a long chat and of course ended up in bed. It felt good. More relaxed and she enjoyed it too... not distant as before. We talked over lots of things about how we made each other feel. She has had relationships go wrong and it's taken her a long time to get over them so she didn't totally open up to me in case she got hurt again. She is scared that if it goes tits up her son will be hurt again. Previous partners haven't stayed in touch with him. Work stress, doing a lesser paid job now... making sure she meets her mortgage have all been building up. She knew she wasn't putting as much into our relationship as much as I was. The day she had her melt down she was told she couldn't have students as her house wasn't suitable which tipped her over the emotional edge. That's when she said she wasn't sure if she wanted me in her life or just needed me. This comment hurt me badly as I felt she may have just used me... I had been her support through leaving her previous teaching job... depression. Helping her decorate her house... how long had she been doing that. I had to back away when she said that. Told her she needed to sort it. We did stay in touch. We text each other. She has taken 2 weeks off work. She said that texting meant so much to her. She missed me so much. I explained she was confusing as she was making me wait to see her till she decided what she wanted to do about us, but messaging positive things that was really messing with my head. She said she knew early on she wanted me. She just wanted to get it right and realised that to move forward we needed to commit more to each other and she was scared. I told her that was cruel. We have discussed me staying there more nights. She still wants quality time with her son. So I am going to commute on the Thursday and have that night with them. She does want more family time with us. I have suggested this before but trying to get him out of the house with us is virtually impossible. A 12 year old boy with 2 middle aged lesbians... boring. Unless there is eating out involved he rarely comes out. He doesn't have lots of mates. I think because they have moved a lot. I have suggested he chooses a mate and we take them both out. We went ahead and booked a camping holiday. We have never been away properly together as a family. Just odd short camps here and there. We have only had 2 nights alone away for our 1st anniversary (we broke up on the 2nd one) It all felt really positive. I thought how lovely to go away with them. I had a brilliant productive day at work. Then this evening she called. No more texting. We chatted for ages. I suggested he take a friend with him on holiday. We can just relax and unwind and chat while the lads go off exploring. He has a mate to keep him company while we are out and about. So she messaged his mates mum and is waiting on the reply. She had wine during our chat, her speech was getting more and more slurred but she never seems to get drunk. She is now worried his mate will not be able to come... I told her to give it a couple of days. She was going through other friends from his old schools. Then she drops this... her best friend has a son the same age. She asked if I minded if she invited her mate and her son. I said I did mind. We would all be in one tent. Not that we need privacy but I felt so upset. She kept saying that her son needed company and we would have more time together if he had a friend. And I said yeah... we would have your best mate as company for us!!! I got angry. She said we would talk about it tomorrow. I told her flatly. If the original lad doesn't come and she ends up taking her friend then I am not going. WTF. High, low, guts knotted. Fecking angry. Mood swings left right and centre here. Am I being unreasonable. Or do I just need to wake up. I'm not sure how this is going to go. I realise now though if we part again I won't be able to stay in touch. I feel like an old fool. After talking to her I looked on meetup. My group has 17 members. A lovely message was sitting there from someone that read... "I am a lesbian in London with not many friends. I sometimes feel isolated and am looking for some new friends for chats" This afternoon I was going to delete the group on Meetup. I am glad I didn't. I think I could do some new lesbian friends.
I'm glad you have had some positive responses to your group. I wish I had your drive to start one haha. I totally get get she has a lot going on and it's great that you have been and want to be there for her. We can never forget our past so it's only natural for her previous experiences to impact her behaviour but at the same time you had been together 2 years, I feel as though there has to come a time where she has to give you everything because if she continues to hold back that in itself is going to cause the relationship to fail and then it will become self perpetuating. I don't know if it is just the way you have written the post but it comes across as though it's still all about her, what she struggles with, what she needs and wants. When she came over and you talked did she acknowledge you feelings etc?
Hello Silverhalo. I am really all over the place at the moment and not sure what to do. I'm not sure if my hormones are raging... I thought I was past the worst of menopause but I am really weepy and that isn't me at all! Writing stuff down then reading back makes me think I should walk away from her. I don't think it's healthy being with her and again tonight I got annoyed. There are issues over our week away. After arranging everything she forgot he son is away with his aunt the weekend we go. So now our holiday has been cut down to 5 days. Topping that as she has been off and bought a 2nd hand tent today... now have to take 2 cars. I may have to hire one as my little car will struggle with the long journey. And then she asked if I can take a day off and we can stay down there a day longer... knowing I have no holiday left. She said she is able to stay... I told her she can stay. I had lost the will to live by this point. She then says, No, we will have to come back as I need you to help me pack the car up!!! FFS arrrghhh. I am beginning to think I am being over sensitive. I told my mate at work some stuff today and she looked at me amazed. She doesn't think I am being over sensitive. She thinks i'm being stupid! This woman is like jeckle and hyde. Everything is so difficult. Please tell me I am mad. I wish I could shake this bloody hold she has on me. I have never put up with anything like this before!
Your hormones are probably raging but that doesn't mean it all has to be due to the menopause. It's difficult when you really want to make things work but at the same time can't let yourself jut get trampled all over. I think you need to try and take a big step back and really analyse the situation and perhaps consider how long this has been going on. When you first made this thread it suggested that it was more recently that she had become distant etc. But I wonder I feel the power dynamic has always been somewhat this way it's just that the shine of the relationship has worn off slightly (as it always does with time). I don't think you are being over sensitive at all. When is the last time she just did something really nice for you, or said something nice?
