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Life up in the air

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Wolberg, Sep 21, 2018.

  1. Wolberg

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 6, 2017
    Messages:
    8
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    Location:
    Australia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Hi, my name is Will. Sorry in advance for the long post. I'm not looking for a silver bullet to solve everything, but I wanted to lay it all out.

    Basically, I think I might be gay. But I've been having a rough time in life over the past few years with lots going on. I am seeing a psychologist so please don't worry on my behalf about that, although I have not mentioned to him my thoughts about being gay.

    My background: geeky at school, raised in Christian home with strong family and wonderful values. Dux at high school. Studied bachelor science (physics), then did honours and phd by 25 yo. So fairly quick start to life.

    By end 2012 i was out of work (finished a 2.5 yr contract as a researcher). Didn't find work straight away. I also had a stressful time at my church (although there was support for me). I was heavily involved in youth leading. I didnt find work until about 4 months into the new year. I found being out of work very hard. Finally found a great job, but it was not met with greatest approval by my family and some people at church, which was a bit surprising to me. I ended up turning down the offer, then changing my mind again and reapplying. I got the job again. But it was a wait until I could start so in total i spent 8 months out of work. A few months in I wasn't coping with the job or life generally. I left my church. I was quite distressed about making this choice. Spent a week off with family. Back to work for a few months but come the start of the next year I resigned as I still wasn't coping. I had had some sort of a breakdown.

    I went home to my family's home town and worked in my family's engineering workshop, at the suggestion of a church elder whom I'd recommected with. It's a family business that was started almost 100 years ago by my great-grandfather. My grandfather still worked there too at the time of my return, as well as my father. I lived at home. Life was OK and working with my hands was a nice and relaxing change from more academic work.

    I am still working there almost five years on. But I am not coping again. My grandfather still comes in everyday (even though he's retired). He is not letting go, which is part of the problem. My responsibilities should be increasing in terms of helping my Dad manage the business. But I am down to working just working just a couple hours a day and can't cope with much more.

    My psychologist first recognised my issues as anxiety a couple years ago and now I have depression too.

    I am now not sure I want to work there anymore. To some extent it was always my dream to work back in the family business, but with family dynamics making work so stressful, I am beginning to wonder whether I should get another job.

    Overlaying all this - I am wondering if I am gay. This would be a huge blow to my family. I feel I don't really have a career. I am not mentally in a good place. I also am running out of money. I feel like I've spent my whole life fitting it into others' plans for me. Now sadly at 33 I wonder if it's too late to learn how to follow what I want. But more than that I don't have any real passion for anything, let alone finding another career I enjoy.

    I've been on this site, ###### a few times, educated myself about gay life etc. Although I've not been with a girl, it's been guys I've generally noticed. However, I am an only son with three younger sisters. I wonder if it's out of my respect for my sisters that I don't see women as something to be desired. As well, I've never been particulary good looking (I was quite fat growing up). So, I also wonder whether my appreciation of a male's physique is just me imagining myself in their shoes, rather than legitimate, deep attraction, the likes of which might one day form the basis for loving relationships.

    So, in summary, I had some sort of breakdown 5 years ago and haven't fully recovered. Questioning my sexuality began about this time too. I am intelligent and cautious. But my reserved way of living life may need to stop!

    Again, apologies for the long post and thank you for reading. Appreciate any reflections.