1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Life sucks

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Snowqueen, Apr 13, 2020.

  1. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Life sucks, I have finally admitted to my self that I'm gay. Trouble is I'm in a relationship with a woman, who I do truly love, but need the sexual closeness that a man can give. I feel trapped and very alone.
     
    MarCl likes this.
  2. Nic2552

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2018
    Messages:
    157
    Likes Received:
    98
    Location:
    California
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You need to live you, don’t stay in a position that’s making you feel trapped and lonely. You should talk to her and let her know the truth even if it hurts. She will be hurt but eventually get over it when she finds a straight man.
     
  3. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,156
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Its really tough that you are in that situation but as @Nic2552 said you have to be honest with yourself and her long term it wont do either of you any good to be together. We are all here to support you through it.
     
    Nightlight and Nic2552 like this.
  4. Fuzzy

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2018
    Messages:
    176
    Likes Received:
    93
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Realizing one's true sexuality while in a committed long term relationship with the wrong sex, does suck. You will need to figure out how and when to come out to her.
     
  5. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Guess you are right, I know this can't go on, and that people are going to get hurt, I'd give anything not to be gay, but then I wouldn't be me. I'd find it helpful to be able to vent and hear other guys story's and experiences.
     
  6. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2008
    Messages:
    14,943
    Likes Received:
    2,864
    Location:
    northern CA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You're definintely in the right place, as there are a lot of folks here who have been in the same place you are. If you search the post history in this section, there are probably hundreds of stories by now of people that have been in your exact situation. Most of them work out for the better in the long run once they are finally ready to tell their wives (or husbands.)

    I would encourage you to wait untll you've told her and discussed what to do before having any hookups or relationships; keeping your integrity will help soften the blow and, ultimately, you'll feel better for doing so.

    There are a lot of confusing feelings that will come up, and there will be a lot of hot and cold and back and forth with your wife when you're ready to tell her as well. A few have not, but the majority of couples here seem to have ended the relationships relatively amicably, though it often takes time.

    I do recommend getting Joe Kort's marvelous book "Ten Smart THings Gay Men Can Do to Find Real Love" which has almost nothing to do with finding real love, and everything to do with understanding yourself and coming to terms. There's a great chapter in it about being a heterosexually married gay male that I think you'll find really enlightening. The book is out of print, but you can ususally find a copy on bookfinder.com or sometimes at Amazon.
     
    LostInDaydreams and Snowqueen like this.
  7. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people

    Thank you for the replies. It's good to know there are friendly peeps out there. I don't think I would be able to have a thing with a man before I am clear of the relationship with my gf, I've never been the cheating type to be honest and couldn't live with the guilt. The worry and sadness of it all seems to come in waves, so I'm trying not to dwell on it too much. I have began to question my entire life and thinking about it, I think there might have been subtle signs over the years. Is it normal for same sex desires to ebb and flow? As some days I don't think about men much of watch gay porn, but other days I feel I will go mad if I don't have the life that I crave and want.
     
    Blu29 likes this.
  8. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,156
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    You will find lots of stories here and if the person is still active then I would say they will largely be more than happy to talk to you about their experiences.
     
    Snowqueen likes this.
  9. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,135
    Likes Received:
    1,114
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Hey

    I don't think you indicated how old you are and how long you have been in this relationship. Do you have any children or have discussed getting married and having children? Are you and your wife still intimate?

    I came out to my wife after being together for over thirty years. That was 4 years ago. We remain married in a semi-open relationship. I'm bisexual so I do still feel intimate love with my wife although we don't have regular sex (her choice) any longer. I have had a boyfriend for over 18 months now and he and my wife are very close. We are all "stay at home" together. Pretty much consider ourselves a family.

    Things work out in different ways for everyone. I felt my relationship with my wife was not going to last if I wasn't honest with her about my sexuality. So, I came out to her. She was very good about it. Mostly, because I never cheated on her although I almost did. I told her everything and we spent a year getting our marriage back on track before I started seeing men (with her permission). In my opinion, it is best to let your significant other know how you feel. The desires will only increase with time for most of us. So, it won't get any easier.

    That said. These are tough times. So, I would not, necessarily, have that talk right now. We are all under a lot of stress and it may be better to wait just a bit. Even though sometimes it can seem like we need to get it off our chests. My wife was having a rough time with a dying parent when I was going through the time where I really needed to address my sexuality. I needed to get her past that before adding any more stress.

    Welcome to EC. We all have different stories here.
     
    Snowqueen likes this.
  10. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That would be more than helpful, I know I'm not alone, even if it feels like it sometimes.
     
  11. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people

    Hi, thank you for the reply. I'm 51 and not married and don't have kids, which makes things a bit easier I guess, I've been with my g/f for 2 years, I do love her, but I don't think I can stay with her, as it's not fair to either of us. I'm not sure if I'm very Bi or just completely gay to be honest, I just know I find men very attractive and have very racy thoughts when I think about being intimate with a man, far more than when I think about women. Any thoughts?
     
  12. Nickw

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 18, 2016
    Messages:
    2,135
    Likes Received:
    1,114
    Location:
    Out West
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @Snowqueen

    It sounds like you have a pretty good idea of what you need. It is pretty common to have problems accepting being gay. But, it seems you might be a bit beyond that stage and do recognize that you probably are gay. If that is really the case, then you are correct that it is not fair to either one of you to try and stay in a relationship where you will always regret not living your true identity.

    You do need to have a serious talk with your GF when things in the world settle a bit.
     
    Tightrope and Snowqueen like this.
  13. Tightrope

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 31, 2013
    Messages:
    4,887
    Likes Received:
    177
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    How has the sex been with your g/f? Have you been with men or do you just think about it?
     
  14. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people

    Sex with my g/f is ok, to be honest I find it a bit of an ordeal, and have to think about men quite a lot, I haven't been with a man, but I know deep inside it's what I want to be happy. Kinda feel empty inside, if that makes sense?
     
    Tightrope likes this.
  15. silverhalo

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 22, 2008
    Messages:
    10,031
    Likes Received:
    3,156
    Location:
    England,
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I think this reply as much as anything truely tells you what you need to do. I know its tough and as others have said now is probably not the moment but she deserves to be with someone who really returns her feelings as you deserve to be with someone who you are truely attracted too.
     
    Snowqueen likes this.
  16. MarCl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2020
    Messages:
    1
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Ipswich, Uk
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    it’s funny how I just joined this forum and I found this post, I recently admitted that I was gay, I did it last year, I fell for someone I knew for years, I came out to everyone so I could life free of lies or half trues... but like you said, life sucks, and after great struggle she put an end to everything. I know find myself very isolated and trapped in this new me. But one thing I’m sure, whatever happens in the future, this new me is who I am, and living a life where I’m in peace with myself is the most important thing. Sounds cheesy but it’s true , if you love them let them go, if they love you they will come back xx stay safe
     
    Snowqueen and silverhalo like this.
  17. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hi Guys, thanks for all the replies, it's a great help knowing I'm not alone. I do plan to talk to my partner when all of the madness in the world has settled down, as someone said, it's not fair on both of us and I can't keep living a lie. I've noticed that I am starting to change in various ways, I notice men a lot more now, and don't feel guilty about doing it, also, caught myself dancing and singing along to Kylie after my shower yesterday and look at my girlfriends sex toys longingly, so many things are running through my mind at times at the moment, I am worried about coming out, I know my parents won't take it well and my brother hates gay people, although I know that he probably doesent mean it.
     
  18. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Had a night by myself last night, so did a fair amount of thinking about various things, one of them was wondering if I was born gay, odd question I know, but I have only felt like this since my 40's. And can remember my first male attraction surfaced, it was a certain footballer in an underwear photo shoot. So did I subconsciously deny my feelings or did I just need a wake up call.

    Watched Magic Mike also. Wow, such a good film and so much not eye candy too.
     
  19. Chrissie72

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2020
    Messages:
    17
    Likes Received:
    6
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Female (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I have similar thoughts. At what point did I notice it.... but then hide it and try and be a stereotypical man.
     
    Snowqueen likes this.
  20. Snowqueen

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 14, 2017
    Messages:
    90
    Likes Received:
    34
    Location:
    Somerset
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people

    That's it exactly, guess we all have lightbulb moments, my first 1 was having to share a apartment with 4 other guys on a stag weekend and feeling funny when I saw the other guys naked of undressed.