I've been wanting to kinda tell my story on here, so here it goes: I was raised in a loving yet challenging home. My dad was a functioning alcoholic and my mother was ill with rheumatoid arthritis. The dynamic in the house put me in the middle of their marriage tensions and as I result I learned to be quite codependent and hide my true emotions, etc. Despite this I was fairly happy, being quite sheltered and very much living in my imagination. I have always been fearful, almost on an existential level. Once I left for college (only an hour from home) I coped with feelings of inferiority (both intellectual and socially) but still managed to make friends and graduate despite some stressful health scares with my mother. I started habitually masterbating to internet porn and it soon became a way to relieve stress and get out of my head, at least for a second. I have always struggled with self-confidence and so was afraid to jump into the job world feet first. I finally got my first job at 25 in an office. I was working there when my mom died (proceeded by less than a year by the death of my only uncle). My world was pretty much shattered but I kept working and that helped me a lot (to at least survive). My dad's alcoholism and general health took a turn for the worst after my mom died and I quit my job after 3 years and went back to school to take some classes and explore some career options. I had to stop this once my dad was unable to care for himself. I returned home and tried to save him. He ended up going through detox in the hospital but still required 24hour care once he was able to come home. I still felt unable to focus on my own life and so was in limbo. My dad then died when I was 28 and I was the executor of his estate. Of course that was a huge complicated nightmare that ate up four more years of my life. I moved back to my hometown in an inherited house and used my inheritance to live off of and fix up my house. That is when I think the depression from all of my trauma really hit home. Finally the stress and worry about my future made me seek out some help and make some changes, about two years ago. I'm seeing a therapist, trying to exercise more and trying dating for the first time. I've been trying to break my addiction to internet porn. I've been going to career counselors to try to find a fulfilling career. I've come out as bisexual/questioning to about five people. I'm dating a much younger guy. Shit is coming together and really shaking up my old life. All of this is fun and exciting and also brings up the more horrible feelings of being too old to come out, too old to start a career, too old to get into shape, etc. I feel like a freak being so inexperienced at 35, at least in the things people that age are supposed to be experienced in. I'm really surprised that I feel so stressed, silly me thought all this would feel just fun and empowering. :lol: I guess I just needed to get some of that off my chest. I may edit this in the future but I just wanted to get some of my story out there.
Never to old to start living your life your way. With your life experience you will be a fast learner.
You sound pretty normal to me. I have many of the same issues and worries. It's just that you have a slightly stronger sense of insecurity. You worry a lot because you have been conditioned to worry. That is all, you have been through some tough things, but you'll get through it. The stress is just that you are worrying about everything at once. Take the issue of getting fit, and think only about that for a week, eating correctly and working out. And do not stress about career during that week. And coming out is not a big giant step for many of us. It is small steps. You could let one person know a month, and you are then in a coming out process. And you have told a few people, so you have come out in a way already. It does feel good to write it out and get things off your chest. Perhaps you will start to feel better right away.
I had the same issues with my parents' long term and terminal illnesses in my 20s ... it sort of took away part of my life when I should have been out there having fun. But being closeted also, I threw myself in to work to an unhealthy degree. I think workaholism is like internet addiction and is just a numbing device to keep the pain away.. But I sense you are feeling free now (by your parents' deaths) and yet still stuck and grieving for lost time... That sounds quite natural but believe me .... 35 is FAR from being old and certainly not too late !! And you are doing all the right things. Therapy seems absolutely vital in making sense of the past and planning the future. I really hope it all goes really well .. .
Well, I'm a year younger than you, and all I can say is that I hope I'll be able to post some of the details that you have (dating, etc) within the next year, but I'm such a freak that somehow I doubt that will occur. I feel that I'm going to be, literally, the 40 year old virgin right now. I've tried online dating sites, no one will give me the time of day. I'm on a diet, so going to bars isn't an option either - and the guys that you might meet there are probably not the kind I'd want anyhow, so no great loss. Like bingostring, I've used my work as a numbing device to keep the pain away. However, that has led to an extremely successful by any measure career, at the expense of my happiness and fulfillment. I need to find a way to strike a balance, I'm naturally a very competitive guy, so just working a 40 hour week and going home won't generally work for me, but what I had been doing doesn't either. I might be at the right balance now actually, dunno.
You may have already tried this, but have you looked for gay friendly or gay focused groups on Meetup.com? It's a great way to meet up with people who have similar interests to you. There are groups all over the country, but the most are in NYC. (Where Meetup started.) I used Meetup to find friends with similar interests when I moved for work as I wasn't much into the bar scene.
It's becoming apparent to me that the situations being described in this thread are common for those coming out later in life. One of the major issues is how to become part of an LGBT community where you are out, have friends (gay or not) and have the opportunity to meet others for potential dating. My experience is the 30's and 40's seem to be the most difficult age group to solve these problems. In my area, the social meet-up groups are dominated by ages 50's and up. Dating sites seem to yield very little opportunity. The only possible solution I can think of is moving to an area of a big city dominated by lgbt people. Not really attractive option for me, but I'd like to hear if someone has some other suggestions.
I didn't grow up in an alcoholic home, married an alcoholic while in grad school. No coincidence, I'm sure, that I put my life focus on her, almost nothing on who I really was. That numbed and depressed my world, last year I came off a pretty debilitating depression. Your story, 1859Guy, isn't unlike many you can find on EC. Or actually, in my experience, in coming out groups and other support groups at LGBT centers. There are many many men who are figuring themselves out later in life. Yeah, when you read about 15 year olds coming out (and isn't that way cool!), it can make us seem old. So what -- late but great! Create a life of happiness for yourself. Be authentic to who you are, love yourself and you'll attract a circle of friends... and love. Welcome to EC!
Thanks everyone! All of your support really helps me feel a lot less alone and I'm starting to feel less ashamed of my life!
