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Life Liberty and the pursuit...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Teri, Jan 26, 2009.

  1. Teri

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Ok I have gone to the Sidran Institute online and have found liveperson therapists and interviewed 2 online therapists. Both think I need face to face therapy again . No kidding lol like I was not dreading that at all. I have no car lol this is gonna be hard

    Step one I told Linda my BFF and she says ok I can drive you to therapy but we both know the dissociative specialists are likely to be an hour away so that is 2 hours plus 50 min of therapy great she works lol drop me off with a lunch lol

    step 1A convincing Linda that no she cannot help me with what is wrong and that I cannot talk to her about what is wrong and dealing with her trying to find out what is wrong 'creatively' I said please stop.

    step 2 I have a free session today at liveperson to help me deal with the anxiety I picked a person to help me cope til I can find a face to face therapist which last time took years

    step 3 frightened of going into crisis state ever again but I don;t think I can but I am dissociating for a few minutes at a time and if I am not remembering then well somebody is blocking me so the agreement of Team Teri to always let me know what is going on is failing

    Usually means memories are surfacing and it has to do with all the stuff (sexual orientation & relationships)I said I can;t deal with this now I went to become functional and set aside a huge portion of abuse. Was hoping to never have to deal with it all lol DARN

    I want a life of loving companionship I want a partner and my hardest step is to explore am I really really really really a lesbian <-- that WORD lol wait hmmm darn where is lifes handbook anyway I just realized I never considered bi lol but then I really deep down know who I am just scared to admit to anyone else living (OMG I JUST CAME OUT TO YOU) the anxiety of being different in a world where we are not all the same
    world says:" We are all different and need to embrace & rejoice in each other in love & respect"
    then world acts "you are not homoginized ,white christian heteros!!! KILL THEM KILL THEM ALL "

    I guess I am overwhelmed because I didn;t have years to deal with my feelings or to learn normal socialization skills I didn;t bring anyone home to camp hell. The frustration of losing friends as a teenager because my parents would humiliate me in front of them. I had a friend a guy he was 16 me 14,he had a girlfriend ,but we were both into horticulture and would go to plant shows and my parents insisted on picking on us that we were a couple... um no friends It was a lonely life behind iron doors his girlfriend was not threatened by me
    hmmm come to think of it this was the same school crowd I made the mistake of being honest with lol when I first arrived at me new school age 12 and was sat by this african american girl in those days she was just black she was so beautiful I got caught staring lol by the whole class she took my breath away she said WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT I said um you are just the most beautiful person I have ever seen after that I didn;t get asked out ever lol and well hmm got abused a lot by teachers especially the one from that class think my school labled me? why didn;t anyone tell me?? man would have helped I thought something was wrong with me! boys were not interested and well they were supposed to be and prom what prom lol DARN when did this all get so overcomplicated that we cannot just admire someones beauty as a 12 year old without it being WEIRD that girls response properly should have been THANK YOU not GET HER AWAY FROM ME :bang:

    this coping with your sexuality thing is just hard are you sure there are no rules???(&&&)
     
  2. Jim1454

    Full Member

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    Hi Teri. You're right - there aren't any hard and fast rules about sexual orientation. If only there were a handbook.

    My only advice, and that's more from addiction recovery than from anything, is to accept things you can not change and change the things that you can. Let go of the past, but be mindful of what it taught you. Don't worry about tomorrow, because you can't really do much about it. Focus on today, and make the best of it.

    Good luck!
     
  3. Pendrin2020

    Full Member

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    Do yourself a favor. Take a deep breathe and focus on what you have to do today. Just today. Give yourself a break, everything will work out. Just watch, there is light at the end of the tunnel. That light only gets closer. You're here and your talking about it. That is one of the most important parts.

    Welcome to the business of working on yourself and it's not easy. There is no other human being who can fix me. There is no magic person who will say that perfect line that makes it all easy to understand. We have to work for our sanity.

    Personally, I had to push the fact that I was gay aside until I could deal with all the memories of abuse. It was too much to deal with at once. But I attacked those issues with everything that I had and talked to professionals and spiritual mentors to find solutions. Eventually, I worked through the pain. sometimes it still stings, but the life I live today is infinitely more wonderful than the life i WAS living.

    Make as many friends as you can here. Blow up the advisors' walls when you have a problem or need an opinion. These people can show you the way.

    PFLAG is also an amazingly helpful organization. That and childhood abuse support groups are godsends. Shrinks were great, but what they said sounded different from the lips of someone who understood my pain. Someone who had lived it.

    Thank god I didn't have to do this thing alone. That would have been terrifying.

    Peace, love, and good luck to thee.
    Pendrin2020