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LGBT Shame

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Mar 8, 2016.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    While I feel as if I have come to a good personal and emotional place in my life having addressed much of the challenges of coming out, and coming out later in life; and where I do believe I have confronted and have been working through my feelings of shame; I am not sure if I seem to have completely come to terms with it.

    I believe I have made great progress in confronting my feelings of shame - I am out publicly; I do not have any issues telling people I am gay; and I am extremely proud to be openly gay. However, every now and then I seem to be confronted with appears to be the remnants of feeling shame.

    There are various triggers when I get this feeling. Whether it is observing political debates attributable to LGBT issues; learning about someone whom has been kicked out of their home for coming out to their parents; second hand exposure to other peoples struggling with their sexuality as expressed through drug abuse or sex addiction; or even seeing the ongoing fight against HIV and the impact it particularly has on the LGBT community. All of these tend to be a trigger for my feelings of what I perceive to be shame.

    Or, maybe I am simply misinterpreting my feelings? Maybe they are not feelings of shame, but instead disappointment. Disappointment as to where we are as a society in confronting and addressing these issues? Disappointment that these issues, and many other, still go on daily in our lives. Disappointment that while progress has made, there is no near term end in sight, at least not in our generation.

    Or, maybe what I need is a break? A break from reading the daily news confronting these issues as I have been almost religiously for the past four years. A break away from the web sites, magazines, health clinics (which I go to like clock work for my routine testing), gay bars and other LGBT social avenues.

    But this is my life, and I can not take a break from my life. I am on a journey, and it seems I should continue that journey as I have been.
     
  2. Sorrel

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    Interesting to hear your reflection! Personally I think that shame runs deep for us humans, it's such a strong emotion and one that is connected to so many parts of our history and our personality. I think it's interesting to see where in the body (and mind) shame manifests. How does it feel in the body? It's uncomfortable and sometimes painful, that's for sure. Which thoughts accompany it? I'm regularly surprised (yet not) at how I can now look at certain sensations and realize: oh, this is shame, too - I was just too busy covering it up with excuses before.

    So the other emotion - could that one be frustration or anger? And I'm thinking the healthy kind, the constructive kind. Frustration over injustice in our society? If you feel disappointment, perhaps underneath that is some clean good anger. Get it out (dance violently to an angry song!) and then, maybe see if it's possible to accept what is? ☺
     
    #2 Sorrel, Mar 8, 2016
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2016
  3. SiennaFire

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    I too have made great strides in purging my shame. Like you, I am out and have no issues telling people that I'm gay. I agree that dealing with shame is like peeling away the layers of an onion.

    I also feel the remnants myself. For example, sometimes when I'm going to a gay-related event, I feel a trigger because I'm going to be seen with a bunch of gay guys. While I quickly dismiss this thought with "WTF, you're out", I do get the sense that this is a remnant of an old behavior pattern, whether it be a remnant of being in the closet, internalized homophobia, or heteronormative scripting. While the trigger is there, other thought processes help contain it.

    I don't feel shame in response to the list of triggers that you mention. For example, I get pissed when I hear about someone who has been kicked out of their home for coming out to their parents. I feel for the person and think that their parents are :***: idiots.
     
    #3 SiennaFire, Mar 8, 2016
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  4. TravelerMe

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    I'm naturally a guilt-catcher and was often manipulated via guilt. But, for now I don't feel shame about being gay. I'm not out to my wife yet so maybe I regress when I am? but when I'm with friends that know I'm gay I feel so good the shame or guilt doesn't arise.

    But when I project a moment in the future where I'm around people who now see me as something different I can see myself looking down and turning away. Not sure if its shame or just fear of what may come. May be we go back and forth with the shame.

    Like you said; Its a journey and 30+ years of programming and hiding aren't going to change overnight.
     
  5. OnTheHighway

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    I think your on to something here!

    This is part of what I have been debating with myself. Is is internalized homophobia, or shame; or are they almost one in the same?

    Internalized homophobia impacted my self esteem, where I internalized my own displeasure of being gay. I would say to myself - "I do not want to be gay, I do not like being gay, I struggle to accept myself being gay. When I see others whom are gay, I feel ashamed of myself".

    This part of me I seemed to have been able to leg go of and no longer struggle with in ways I did previously.

    If you notice (and as I notice now re reading it), my list is reflective of external situations that cause me to be uncomfortable. Yes, maybe I am more disappointed and pissed off, but thinking about it, it also is reflective of shame. But it is shame based on how others project their homophobia and my reaction to it.

    So, when I see kids being kicked out of their home, politics demonizing the LGBT community and the likes, it also creates emotions of shame that I feel.

    Maybe its ok to hang on to this type of shame so long as such injustices continue?

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 03:58 PM ----------

    Like you TraverlerMe, I have let go of my shame about being gay. As you also suggest, maybe its not so straight forward??

    ---------- Post added 8th Mar 2016 at 03:59 PM ----------

    Sorrel, this is what I am concluding from these emotions. This helps me clarify that.
     
  6. SiennaFire

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    My thought process is that these are related and basically one in the same in this context. The internalized homophobia generates the shame. This does not mean that all shame is generated by internalized homophobia.

    Shame is a feeling that is generated because you have done something wrong. Personally I don't feel shame in this context, though it's possible that you are experiencing some lingering shame.
     
  7. Michael

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    Reading the news can be quite triggering, and they rarely do some justice to any gay or LGBT person anyways. Language can have very powerful effects, specially on the case of overexposure. It's hard to think for ourselves while we listen to others.

    I think perhaps you just need a break, except for the regular health tests.
     
  8. OnTheHighway

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    Well, to clarify on what you just articulated, Shame is generated because of the "perception" of having done something wrong. In my heart of hearts I do not consciously perceive there being anything wrong with being gay at this point on my journey. Maybe, however, as you also suggest, it does still linger, but deep inside my subconscious at this point.

    Maybe a good session with the hypnotist is in order? :lol:
     
  9. SiennaFire

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    Thanks for clarifying what I meant implicitly. Perhaps the projected homophobia resonates deep inside your subconscious. I'm speculating because I respond differently to the events you list. Perhaps if you continue to reflect on this, it will make sense. Perhaps hypnosis is just the thing :lol:
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Mar 8, 2016
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  10. Weston

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    Perhaps you could overcome these residual feelings of shame by becoming personally involved in one or more of the situations that seem to trigger them. For example, you could donate, raise money or volunteer for a homeless shelter for LGBT youth, or for a center that treats LGBT people for drug and alcohol abuse or provides treatment for HIV. Or, you could join a group that advocates for LGBT equality. That way, you might feel pride, rather than shame, when you hear of someone who life has been adversely affected by the fact of his/her "alternative" sexuality.
     
  11. OnTheHighway

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    This is exactly what I have done and have been doing since coming out. I have gotten involved in two separate equality groups and one youth group.
     
  12. Weston

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    Then you have much to be proud of!
     
  13. SiennaFire

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    Here's a better view of shame from Joe Kort.
    Since it sounds like you don't feel that there's anything wrong with being gay at this point of your journey, it's unlikely that the projected homophobia would trigger shame in you. If you feel shame in response to these situations, then perhaps there's something else that's being projected? The only thing that comes to mind would be if you feel shame because you stayed in the closet and did not come out sooner, but I doubt that's the case for you. Since you know yourself better than I do, maybe you can come up with some other theories about what is being projected and triggering shame in you.