1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Lesbian Questioning if Bi or Just Flexible

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by PixieFemme, May 14, 2018.

  1. PixieFemme

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    My apologies in advance for this long post.

    Let me preface this with that I've been out as a lesbian for the past five years, since I was sixteen. I am twenty-one now. Before that, I was in semi-denial during middle school up to the point of acceptance; I'd sort of identified as bisexual but went for guys because of heteronormativity and because they were "easier". There wasn't any attraction there. Since coming out as a lesbian, I sometimes used the the term "homosexual, panromantic" because I figured I could sometimes feel romantically attracted to a man, but not often and not sexually. Although I admit, I have been curious about guys sometimes, but still never really attracted guys. I do have anxiety about "proving my gayness".

    Flash forward to earlier this week: I was on ######. The pool of girls was beginning to dry down and I was curious to find more pick up lines and improve my "game", so to speak. So I switched my preferences from exclusively women to men and women, so I could learn pick up lines from guys (not actually being interested in them) and find a slightly bigger pool of women. I've done this a few times before over the past couple of years, for some reason I find more girls in this option, though I don't understand why the algorithm does that.

    So, I'm swiping left on pretty much every guy, just reading their bios and not being any way attracted to them even if they were conventionally attractive or had a seemingly nice personality. I swipe right on some girls I find there, too. Then, I come upon one this one guy, I'll call him G.

    I read his bio and see his pictures, and for once I'm actually intrigued and I find him pretty cute. I didn't put too much thought into it, I just swiped right on him and we matched. I waited for him to message first. Low and behold, he does and we actually strike up a good conversation. We quickly found a great banter and then kinda started flirting. And out of nowhere I just felt started feeling really really attracted to him. Both romantically, and for a first, sexually. We set up a date for some day later in the week and the flirting intensifies more. He gives me his number and we talked for five hours straight.

    I have never felt:
    1) this attracted to a guy before (especially sexually), and
    2) this attracted to anyone since my ex-girlfriend of last year.

    Here's the thing: he knows I'm gay, too. I mentioned that at the beginning and told him I was just kinda attracted to him and he's been completely respectful of that. We've been talking ever since.

    However, this has caused me to question my sexual orientation. I keep telling myself I'm not bi because I don't feel bi. That my sexual orientation is "gay and G" (G standing for the first initial of his name and me being alliterative). Like I know bisexuality isn't always 50/50 and you can have preferences, but I truly don't feel bisexual. I don't want to be bisexual. He's the only guy I've felt this strongly about. Do I have internalized biphobia? My best friend in the whole world is bisexual, and I've been talking to her about this and she gets me, but I'm still struggling. Is this is Kinsey Level 5? G being the "incidental" guy?

    I don't see myself every marrying a guy or anything like that, but I cannot deny my chemistry and sexual attraction to this guy. And now I'm having an existential crisis and questioning myself. Help? Am I still a lesbian, albeit a "homoflexible" one?
     
    18breanna likes this.
  2. Gleek99

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Aug 19, 2015
    Messages:
    68
    Likes Received:
    4
    Location:
    NV
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    It's ok you can chill ☻

    Just see what happens and don't let labels get to you. If it feels right, great! If it ends up just being a friendship or whatever, that's great too ya know

    Time will sort it out

    Or maybe that's bad advice if that's the case I'm sry bye
     
    PixieFemme and 18breanna like this.
  3. 18breanna

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2017
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    VA, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I actually really agree. So many people on EC are causing themselves anxiety because they desperately want to know what box they fit in to. But let me let you in on a lil secret: u don't need a label..u can just be attracted to people......and that's it :^) leave the labels for jars
     
    Nicnevin and Gleek99 like this.
  4. PixieFemme

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thanks, Gleek, for the advice. :slight_smile:

    As for rejecting labels, that's not something I really want to do or feel is organic to me. I'm an English Major; I love descriptive words.

    My main question is if I'm still predominately a lesbian (kinsey level 4.5 or 5) despite this.
     
    18breanna likes this.
  5. 18breanna

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2017
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    VA, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I actually really support the Kinsey Scale, so yes that score sounds about right for this. Categorization can be comforting and validating for a lot of people and I totally respect that, everyone deserves a group to call their own. I'd say a 4 1/2 - 5 matches your description in OP pretty solidly. You were correct to believe that this guy is the "incidental" heterosexual attraction, as you have said before this type of heterosexual attraction is rare.

    The scale, to my knowledge, doesn't identify the intensity of the attraction or clarify so don't worry about that, but this sounds spot on in 5 range.
     
    #5 18breanna, May 14, 2018
    Last edited: May 14, 2018
    PixieFemme likes this.
  6. Cierra

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Dec 16, 2017
    Messages:
    36
    Likes Received:
    27
    Location:
    Southern USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Some people
    I'm having a similar problem- I want a label!! I'm one of those people who think labels make things so much easier. I wish I could just like who I like but I don't like the idea of being bi (and DEFINITELY not being straight). I don't know if it's biphobia or me just not believing I could ever feel secure in my sexuality as a bi person...
     
    18breanna and Leah061 like this.
  7. Leah061

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 14, 2018
    Messages:
    119
    Likes Received:
    93
    Location:
    United States
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Wow I feel this post so much. I feel like I probably belong somewhere around a Kinsey 4.5-5 as well. For now, I'm trying out the lesbian label to see how it feels (because the term bisexual feels a little incomplete to me?) but I don't know if that fits me very well. I feel good about where I am on the Kinsey scale, I just don't know how I should identify myself. But I've learned that there's definitely nothing wrong with being attracted to people who don't fit in with the label you've given yourself. You can decide what label you identify as (lesbian/bi/pan/queer/etc) but you can't decide who you're attracted to.
     
    18breanna, Cierra and PixieFemme like this.
  8. Love4Ever

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    2,042
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Honestly, labels are for soup cans IMHO. You don't have to call yourself anything if you don't want, but if you want a label you seem like a bisexual rather than a lesbian, because you seem really into this guy. I would ditch the labels and just go for it. If it reals right then just take a chance. What do you have to lose?
     
  9. Love4Ever

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 4, 2018
    Messages:
    2,042
    Likes Received:
    662
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Honestly, I think this is the number one reason so many people are hesitant to identify as bi. Because acknowledging your attractions are so varied and can change from one day to the next, is hard for people who have been raised to think in monosexual terms. I really think the only way to be "comfortable" is to accept being uncomfortable, at least, unsure some of the time. I don't really like to use the word "uncomfortable" because you won't always feel that way, but it may feel that way at first. You have to accept the nature of uncertainty.
     
    Cierra likes this.
  10. PixieFemme

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2014
    Messages:
    10
    Likes Received:
    5
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Update: I Facetimed him and that's where the attraction ended. Once I spoke to him in person I didn't feel attracted to him at all. So that's solved! We're just friends now.

    In an update, I'm changing my philosophy on life and being more free and taking risks. So I'm including guys in my options for dates for now and have gone a date with one so far and another set for Friday with another guy. I kissed the guy from the first date and didn't really feel much emotionally, but it was fun and that's the point for me. I'm just having fun and living my life and since guys are a bit more accessible than girls and quicker to date, I'm gaining experience and more emotional maturity (in the sense of intimacy) from them.

    For me, I think my behaviour is different than attraction. So my Kinsey scale for (sexual) attraction would be about a 5, but for (sexual) behaviour it would be a 4. I previously thought I was panromantic homosexual (still identifying as lesbian there), but as I explore myself I think it's the opposite: pansexual homoromantic. Which, for me, is overall gay/lesbian since women are the common denominator and I only want to really be in a serious committed relationship and marry a woman one day. Kissing and getting a little hot and heavy with guys is fun, but there's not much emotional attraction there for me, though I'm open for there to be some.

    I know labels aren't everything and they definitely aren't for everyone, but I definitely like having them.

    Thank you all for everything; I've had a truly transformative week!
     
    18breanna, Cierra and Love4Ever like this.
  11. 18breanna

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 30, 2017
    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    36
    Location:
    VA, USA
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    That's awesome! The important thing is that you are having fun and discovering yourself :^) I'm glad and have a good rest of your week!
     
    #11 18breanna, May 17, 2018
    Last edited: May 17, 2018