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Lesbian, or just afraid of men?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Anongirl123, Sep 13, 2014.

  1. Anongirl123

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    No, I wasn't sexually abused as a child. I'm 18 years old now. As of very recently (the last two months), I've begun to wonder whether or not I'm a lesbian. When I initially came to this conclusion - and it kind of just struck me out of nowhere one day (and I've thought about it every single day since) - things felt like they actually sort of made sense for once. I guess you could say there were lots of signs and signals in my childhood that I didn't realize at the time, but now my eyes have been "opened" to them...

    I was always extremely tomboyish as a kid (wearing boys clothes and such), and only started dressing more feminine during the end of middle school (though I still wouldn't consider myself a girly girl by any means). I had weak/curious crushes on boys when I was in elementary school I think, but this dwindled down and eventually stopped cold turkey around the age of 13. I don't know why, but whenever my friends would gush about boys, I just wouldn't get it. I felt no strong romantic feelings - no spark - towards guys, but I just thought I was a late bloomer. Only when I got older did I realize this was strange. Here I was, all of my friends non-virgins with boyfriends, and I couldn't will myself to have a crush on a guy, even though I found men physically attractive and subconsciously thought "oh, well, when I'm thirty, I'm sure I'll be married to a man and be 'normal'".

    I've never had a "role model" relationship to look up to, other than the unrealistic ones I've seen on TV. Because of these TV relationships, I always fantasized about men, but as of the last two months after thinking I might be gay, I've found myself unable to anymore (which is sad to me). I guess, when I pictured myself in a relationship with a guy, I always thought of it like the movies and was ok with that, but when it came to real life and the real guys I actually knew in person, something just felt unbelievably uncomfortable and... sad? My relationships with guys feel twinged with sadness. I have a bad relationship with my father, I should mention. He has a lot of emotional problems, but I won't get into that. That's affected me a lot I feel.

    I don't recall having crushes on girls growing up, though I can picture myself being attracted to and feeling affectionate towards another girl. Am I possibly gay, or am I confusing my feelings - is there a difference between attraction towards women, and just a lack of attraction towards men? A part of me feels like I'm trying so hard to suppress whatever heterosexual attractions I have because I'm afraid of facing them and having deep feelings for men, but a part of me feels like they just aren't there in the first place. When I first pictured my life without having that traditional family with a man, I did feel extremely depressed. I felt like I was going to be "missing out" on so many things that only a husband could offer me, but at the same time, forcing myself into a situation where I could never feel truly comfortable. When I think about a relationship with a girl, it feels fun and comfortable, but I'm not so sure about the long-term. Note: I am NOT one for hookups. I don't like the idea of dating anyone unless you seriously feel like you could spend the rest of your life with them.

    I suppose a part of it is also some internalized homophobia (although that's a bad word, because I'm extremely accepting of gays - I guess it's just that it seems ok for other people, but not so much for me). I hear of all these lesbian stereotypes - that lesbians are clingy, lesbian "bed-death", lesbian merging (becoming more like sisters), how older women let themselves go - and it makes me feel apprehensive. I've always been uncomfortable with the idea of having a wedding and having kids, but I thought I could do those things with a guy, just because it's what's normal and safe. I guess when I initially thought to myself "I'm gay", I also simultaneously dismissed any possibility of ever getting married or having kids. For some reason, I can imagine myself as a young lesbian (relationships with women until about the age of 35), but not an older one . I don't find older women attractive at all (hopefully this will change? I'm really praying it does, because I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone and then lose all sexual attraction for them once they reached a certain age). I also feel this weird sense of guilt and anxiety at the thought of raising fatherless kids. I think a young lesbian relationship sounds awesome, but I'm not sure about how I feel with the idea of being married to another woman when I'm sixty. Is this just because I'm young?

    I'm terrified that one day when I'm forty, I'll suddenly start wondering "what if" when it comes to having a man in my life. I feel 'comforted' with the idea of straight relationships, mostly because I know what to expect progression-wise and I've seen many of them in the media. But long term lesbian relationships seem so strange and foreign to me. I don't know how they work, so I guess they just don't seem very 'real' to me, if that makes sense. I really wish I could feel attracted to guys like the rest of my friends, but I just can't.


    Sorry if this was long! Basically, could I be gay? Or am I just afraid of men and confusing my friendships with girls as affection? I'm so closed off and guarded towards everyone, I don't even know anything anymore. I have a low sex-drive, mostly because of insecurities and vulnerability issues, so I don't feel like I could use this as a guide (the thought of having sex with anyone seems... uncomfortable to me, because it requires "opening up": although I know I'm not asexual). These past two months have been very upsetting and depressing for me. I feel like I have no one to talk to, and I don't know any gay people in person. I'm just so filled with doubt and uncertainty.
     
  2. Nychthemeron

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    From what I understood, you may or may not feel attraction to men, but this is sort of disrupted by bad images of the men in your life.

    I am the same way with men. I feel this disdain for all the boys at my school, as they're all pretty racist, sexist, homophobic, etc - I used to think they were all like that, but ever since I came on the internet, I realized that is not true. It still feels very odd, though.

    Maybe you feel similarly?

    I would also like to point out that you could be bisexual with a romantic attraction towards women, but not men.

    But, ultimately, I think the best thing you can do is explore your feelings. Write it all out. Try to get to the root of things. Give it time - it'll settle eventually.

    And don't worry about not liking older women. Typically, your attraction grows with yourself. :slight_smile:

    Best of luck.
     
  3. Really

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    Hey there,

    I totally get what you're saying. Almost everything you say resonates with me but I am quite a bit older than you and I have no divorces nor bad relationships in my family to ponder on. (NB. I also have a problem picturing myself being older with "old" woman but I suspect it won't seem weird if we're lucky enough to find someone to grow old with.)

    I don't know if you are gay and I can tell that the evidence for you seems wishy-washy but my evidence is equally non-concrete but spread over all my years, there's basically no other conclusion.

    If you can read some fiction or watch entertainment with lesbian storylines, you might be able to see if such a life makes sense/feels right to you.
     
  4. jay777

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    You might have a look at this:
    Am I Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, or Transgender?

    I'd say take your time...

    In my opinion you picked quite a few negative stereotypes. Why? There are good examples for really all kinds of relationships.

    A while ago I came across a longterm lesbian couple having picked a baby cat, showing photos and sharing comments... its a normal couple, they have a nice living room, and a cat :slight_smile: .
    Comments were abundant how cute the cat is... where best to shop for food etc...

    There are forums with lesbian couples sharing advice raising children...

    society gets more and more open...

    I'd say just listen to your inner feeling and what brings you joy...

    There are differences in relationships... but possible shortcomings like not comunicating ones needs enough can be looked up and improved on...
     
    #4 jay777, Sep 13, 2014
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  5. Lifesbegun

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    Seems to me like you need to explore your feelings for women, and see if you get the same sad, uncomfortable feeling as you when thinking of men....more may click into place if you examine that side of yourself?
     
  6. thekillingmoon

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    There's definitely a difference. Not being interested in men could mean many things or you could even be asexual. Being interested in women would mean that you'd want to be with a woman at some point.

    It sounds like you don't want to be in a relationship with anyone at the moment. And the fact that everyone else seems to be in one bothers you because you don't want to be different from others. You have to figure out what's right for you though. If being in a relationship doesn't appeal to you now, there is no need to force yourself into one.

    If you're still young it's not weird to not find much older people attractive. Your perspective should change as you get older. Also not all older women let themselves go, some look great even in their 40s. Of course, when you're in early twenties it makes sense that you'd rather look at someone your age than someone in their 40s. What makes people stay together long term is not physical attraction, it's a connection they share and companionship that they provide for each other. A relationship based entirely on physical attraction won't last long.
     
  7. TheStormInside

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    Do you have a history of attraction toward men at all, or has that always been totally absent, and just the idea of being with a man was appealing? It sounds like what you're saying is the latter but I'm not totally sure.

    Do you have attractions toward women?

    There is definitely a difference between lack of attraction toward men and attraction toward women. They are two different things, really. For a long time I thought I was asexual because I felt zero attraction to anyone, but in recent months I've realized I was only suppressing my feelings toward women. It's possible you are suppressing your feelings toward men because you are uncomfortable around them due to your family situation, and you just need to work on becoming more comfortable. But it's also possible you just genuinely are not attracted.

    I'd suggest working on opening yourself up to either possibility... just let yourself acknowledge your feelings regarding both men and women with as little judgement as possible. For me, once I became open to the idea I may be attracted to women, that's when I really started to experience those feelings. It's almost like opening a door in your mind.

    I'm quite similar. Even as a young kid I said I never wanted to get married, though that has changed as I've gotten older and I would now like to find someone to spend my life with. I think you need to recognize that nowadays you can have the same kind of life you'd envisioned with a man with a woman instead. You can get married, depending on your location. Even if you can't, you can have a commitment ceremony of some sort. You can adopt, or you can use artificial insemination if you choose to have children. Your possibilities are not closed off if you turn out to be gay.

    As to your second question, about getting old with a woman, this has been something on my mind quite a bit, as well. I'm quite a bit older than you, but if I try to picture myself with a woman at age 60 or 70 it just seems odd. The idea of spending my life with another woman already seems a little strange and dissonant, and it's hard to suss out what my specific feelings are and what is just culturally imposed, as I grew up expecting I'd either always be single, or I'd eventually find "the right guy" and marry him. The idea of being with a woman just wasn't something I was willing to let myself address or consider until recently.

    Something that's helped me wrap my head around it is to think less in generalities and more specifically. If I think of growing old with say, a particular woman I'd had a crush on in the past that makes a lot more sense to me than just trying to picture some unknown woman that I may meet some day. And to me, that idea feels great. I wonder if thinking about it that way might help you, too?

    Another thought... I too worry I may become less attracted to a woman as we age, but isn't this an issue for heterosexual couples, too? And also, I suspect if I were with a man I would not *lose* attraction for him, because it wouldn't have been there in the first place, and that seems... kind of worse. If you also find you lack attraction to males, that's something to bear in mind, as well.
     
  8. AlezinwondRland

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    Have you ever kissed a girl? Or experienced attraction to women in any way? (butterflies/nervousness/urges/desires/a want to impress them/etc) ?
    I guess I had a close(ish) experience to what you're going through. When I was younger I wanted to be straight simply because the thought of being "gay" would make the life I saw for myself and that others assumed I would see for myself - complicated and different. I tried dating guys (quite a few) over those few years. And let me say that these boys were the sort that were caring, goodlooking, understanding and that most straight girls would feel blessed to be with. Yet I would see them as friends, and get to the point in a relationship where lack of affection and *sex* would affect things. Then I would break it off. And it was unfair to them! Sometimes I would purposely act like a bitch just so they would consider breaking things off with me and I wouldn't have to do it yet again to another person. Despite this happening over and over, I still tried to convince myself "I hadn't found the right guy" or "the next relationship will be different". Same outcome. Eventually I recognised the feelings I would get around girls and properly thought through what they meant. I would instantly notice attractive girls and instantly get a nervous feeling around them. When I thought about sex or affection or kissing, I realised I was already putting myself in the male's position and not actually enjoying the thought of sex as *the girl*
    It was when I started to analyse these things that I realised my own stubborn brain was belittling and ignoring and distorting things to fit society's view and my own want for a "normal" future with marriage and kids etc.
    I came out as bisexual but still attempted dating guys for a while, until I kissed my first girl. That was my confirmation. I had always believed that I just didn't enjoy kissing the same way others did. That sex or affection wasn't my thing.
    But when I kissed a girl - I finally got what everyone meant when they described how kissing made them feel. It was passionate and beautiful and addictive and incredible.
    I had never felt that before with any boy.
    As my confidence grew and i began dating girls - i realised that I LOVE affection and kissing and sex and being with a female!!
    Since then I have never even thought twice about the fact I am a lesbian. And I won't let anyone or anything stop me from getting married to the GIRL i love and having a family with HER.

    As for finding older women attractive - of course you won't find old ladies sexy right now. That's just silly. Do straight girls find pension aged men attractive at 18? When I was 15 I fancied 15 year old girls. Now that I'm 21 I look at 15 year old girls as babies! It's the exact same! As you grow older your attraction changes to suit your own age. As it does with straight couples.

    And regarding not being able to imagine growing old with another woman - try watching programmes or films which feature this to get an idea of what it could be like. Just in the same way that you see tv and media portray elderly straight couples.
    Some examples you could watch:
    The Fosters (TV programme about lesbian mums raising a family)
    Edie and Thea: A very long engagement
    The Kids are Alright

    .....and many others. Google!
     
  9. Anongirl123

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    I feel like this sums up some of my feelings really well - especially the bit where you said the idea of spending your life with another woman already seems dissonant, because you always grew up expecting you'd either be single, or find "the right guy". I feel like this is how I am at the moment.

    As for my history with men? I'm not entirely sure. I can recall having crushes on guys when I was in elementary school, but I think they were more friendly than anything. I can recall finding guys attractive in elementary school and the very start of middle school, but then things sort of just stopped. I heard about the crushes my friends had on guys - the obsession they had with them, the butterflies, wanting to be with them, etc. - and I realized I never experienced anything close to that. I liked guys a lot as friends, but I didn't really feel this strong "pull" to be with a guy. I thought it was completely normal, because I was just picky. Whenever I watched movies with hetero couples in them, I'd always think "I'll be in that situation one day." But movies are different from real life. I think I knew something was wrong in tenth grade, when the perfect guy was landed in front of me and I didn't take the opportunity. We were friends for a good year before he started hitting on me, but when he did, I felt sick. I felt this weird mix of anxiety, and sadness, and regret. It's like my rational mind was telling me "you should like this", but my gut was screaming "no!". I can't really describe it. He was a great guy. When our friendship broke off because he moved and I stopped answering his messages, I felt guilty because I thought I hurt his feelings... but also relieved.

    That being said, I haven't had crushes on girls either, mostly because that always seemed like a ridiculous option for me. I never even imagined being gay. I just thought I was a late bloomer. I think consuming more media with lesbian characters this summer (like orange is the new black), helped open those doors you were speaking about.

    I really just have no idea. :frowning2: I think to myself that I'd make a good girlfriend for any guy, because I'm very low-maintenance and not into corny romance, but I just feel like something would be missing. All my views on hetero relationships have been shaped by the media. When I think of lesbian relationships, the idea sounds very appealing to me, but scares me away for two reasons. One, I wonder if I'd eventually miss having a masculine presence in my life (because guys have a lot to offer, as well as women), and two, I can't help but feel like I'd be terribly guilty later in life. I know it sounds awful, but I could never imagine having kids as a gay person. It almost seems wrong to me, like my children would deserve a normal mom and dad. It feels like the only way I would be able to pass on my genes and have some kids is if I did it with a man. Like I said, these issues really don't matter right now. But they will, eventually.

    I thought for a while that I might be bisexual, but quickly told myself not to think like that. I really hoped I'm either gay or straight, because being bisexual seems very difficult. It feels as if, since you like the unique qualities each gender has to offer, you'd always be missing 'something' in any relationship. Those feelings of "what-if" and missing the qualities each gender has to offer would be prominent in all of your relationships eventually.

    Thanks for the advice so far.

    ---------- Post added 14th Sep 2014 at 05:53 PM ----------

    Thanks so much for the great reply. :slight_smile: I'll be honest. I always noticed I was pretty at ease around guys (even the very attractive ones). I wouldn't have much trouble talking to guys, because I would feel like I didn't have to impress them. I didn't care as much about what they thought of me. With my female friends though, I'd always be especially self conscious of what they thought of me, and making a good impression. Not to say I'm attracted to any of them - I view all of my friends in a very platonic way. Once I'm friends with someone, I don't really feel like I could be attracted to them. I also don't think I would be psychologically able to have feelings for another a girl unless I knew she was gay, because the thought of liking a straight woman makes me feel so.... unclean? Immoral? Creepy? I don't know. I'd just feel bad about it. I don't get crushes easily at all. I have a very strong willpower. If I don't want to think of something, or if I want to shut something off, I can do that pretty easily.

    However, this also brings up two more points for me. Something I feel is getting in the way of figuring myself out. I feel like if I was gay, two big things would happen to me. One, I would miss out on all that a guy would have to offer me (even though I'd obviously be gaining something else), which makes me a little sad for some reason. Two, I almost don't want to be gay at all because I'd hate the fact that it could interfere with female friendships. I want to be able to have lots of straight female friends, as I've done my whole life, and feel completely platonic towards them. No awkwardness at all. I feel like if you're openly gay, you can't really have 'true' friendships with members of the same sex anymore. This is really depressing for me. All I know is that having straight female friends as a gay woman is harder than having straight female friends as a straight female. It just is.

    Gosh. :frowning2: I really wish I could be normal! I don't know what's wrong with me. I want to feel the way the rest of my friends feel, but I can't. I'm starting to wonder if avoiding relationships all together would be easier. The best way I could sum up my feelings right now is this - no matter what "path" I eventually come to, I'll be losing something. It's almost like I can't have it all - there isn't any one solution or outcome that would make me feel 100% confident, happy, and reassured. It's almost like I have to weigh all my options and see which is the lesser of the evils. Is that what life is supposed to be like? I just wish so badly things were black and white, and the direction was easy to figure out. I wish I didn't have so much doubt.

    Thanks for the great response. It really helps.
     
    #9 Anongirl123, Sep 14, 2014
    Last edited: Sep 14, 2014
  10. Anongirl123

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    That's a nice story :slight_smile: . I don't really know why I picked such negative stereotypes. I guess it's because I really don't want to be gay. There's so much fear and anxiety there, I chose to focus on the bad side instead of the good side. I'm just not sure where I stand though. I feel kind of bad about the idea of being with a man and a woman, but for vastly different reasons.
     
  11. TheStormInside

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    I think there may be a couple of issues at work here..

    First, I think you're trying to base your feelings off of things that are completely theoretical. You say you aren't attracted to guys, and that's ok. Are you attracted to women? I know you said you haven't had crushes on men or women, but what about just physical attraction?

    Second, it sounds like you're really repressing a lot, and if you are going to figure out what your feelings truly are, you need to start to learn to let that go. If you don't let your emotions come to the surface, you can't properly assess them, understand them, or work through them... does that make sense?

    Third, you are basing a lot on stereotypes, and I understand that it can be hard not to do so, especially if you don't have any LGBT influences in your life. It sounds like you have a lot of issue with the idea of being gay, and that's understandable too, it's something many of us struggle with. So the question for you though, seems to be, do you have issue with being gay because for some reason you feel it's wrong? Or do you have issue with being gay because you simply aren't gay?

    It's possible you could be asexual if you've never felt any attraction to anyone. It's also possible you're seriously repressing your feelings.

    As for having children.. well everyone has their own viewpoints about whether or not they feel comfortable raising kids, and it's of course your decision whether you choose to or not. But there's no evidence that kids of gay parents do any better or worse than children of heterosexual couples, so I don't think you need to worry so much about that. Even if it's not something you can get past just yet, I would say leave that thought for later, as there are a lot more immediate things you need to consider.

    And in regards to bisexuality, I think it may help you to talk to some of the members here who are bisexual. I can't really speak to that as well, but I suspect that most of them don't feel like they are missing out when they are with one gender or the other. My impression is that it's really just more about the person, rather than the gender of that person, so if you're bisexual and in a fulfilling relationship it doesn't really matter if that person is a man or if that person is a woman.
     
  12. Anongirl123

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    I think so. The thought of being with a person with the same gender sounds appealing (it definitely doesn't gross me out)

    I've been trying, but it's very hard. I don't want to feel attracted to anyone who I know I isn't gay. Something about that feels wrong/guilty. I guess you could say I'm a little afraid.

    I guess it was always ingrained in my brain that I'd one day find a husband to fulfill that "traditional" husband role in my life. It's really strange to think that won't actually happen. I feel like I *should* want a boyfriend, and the fact that I don't really want one makes me feel bad about myself.

    I know - that's definitely true. I don't know why I'm so hung up on this "my children need a father figure" thing, when I didn't really have a great father-daughter relationship myself. I've always had a bad habit of overthinking things and looking way, way into the future. If I think about the relationship I'd be interested in right now, at this very moment, the answer would probably be with a person of the same gender. But looking ahead 10, 15, even 30 years into the future is where anxiety starts to kick in. I have trouble making any decision without considering the long-term risks/benefits.