So glad I found this forum. Thanks for being here. Married to my husband for over 20 years. 4 kids, all are just about legal adults. I identified as gay when I was younger, before marriage. I was out and proud, and gave not one single f*ck about what anyone thought. I started to think maybe I was bisexual, because I just didn't understand sexuality, in general. I didn't understand myself. So, I've been living a life of quiet desperation, and not understanding why I felt the way I did. I've been to therapy, trying to work through issues of abuse, neglect, and other traumas. I have taken just about every medication there is for the various illness I've been diagnosed with. This "issue" has come up and disrupted the marriage, and each time it does, it causes much pain and conflict, confusion, etc. We suffered an enormous, tragic loss less than 2 years ago. I can't talk about it here, at least for now. This was the catalyst for my finally being able to realize, understand, and accept that I am gay. Having your life implode and your heart completely torn our of you, has a way of stripping you of everything. While you're laying in the rubble, you see things you weren't able, or willing, to see before. It's just you and the truth down there in the pit. Things about myself have been revealed to me, the lights came on, and the dots are still being connected. Suddenly, I had a context and for the first time in my life, I understood myself, why I felt so isolated, so desperately lonely, so empty. Just in time, too. Because I was convinced I was a totally broken, worthless person. My desperation was growing by the minute. Along with my self loathing and guilt. The truth is the truth, it stands on it's own, grows wings, and perches in your soul. It makes it's home there. Nothing can change it, nothing can go back to what it was before. So I am out to myself, my counselor, and one dear friend. More steep drops have been added to this emotional rollercoaster I'm on. I feel like a huge burden has been lifted, I have the audacity to let myself hope a little bit, but there's also tremendous guilt, fear, and shame. I don't know what's gonna happen. I know I can't keep being this person. The difference between the person I've been, and who I truly am inside....it's a pretty sharp contrast. How will my family ever understand this? There's a ton of how's and why's and what if's, and I am so very afraid of what will happen. I never, ever wanted to hurt anyone. I would, and always DO, hurt myself before I hurt anyone else. I can't stand the thought of being the cause of anyone's suffering. But I also recognize that this is life or death for me. I can't go back, now. I can't live the rest of my life as that other person. I don't even like her...understatement of the year. I've been dying, starving, for over 20 years. 20+ years of struggling, longing, lonliness. Without a real, honest, deep emotional connection to a partner. Feeling like a broken person who was unlovable and unable to connect and love another person. Completely turned inward on myself, non- functioning, profoundly depressed. I'm worried about and for my kids, my sweet, gentle, beautiful babies. For my husband, the father of my beautiful kids, the pain I have caused him, the pain this is going to cause him. Whenever I have asked him if he's happy in this marriage, he says he is. That he loves me, etc. Which just confuses me to no end. How, man? There's nothing here. We are roomates, at best. Sometimes I feel like if I put a life sized photo, like a cardboard cut out of myself, on the couch, it would serve the same purpose. It wouldn't change anything. I don't ask anything of him and he doesn't ask anything of me. So, when I say there's nothing going on here, I mean nothing. I don't understand how he can be content with this marriage. I don't think he's got someone on the side, nut I know it's possible. I wouldn't even blane him or be pissed, truly. So for now, I'm holding on to what my therapist said. You can't fit a round peg in a square hole. You are not trapped. There is a way forward, there are people that care about you and want to help you. You have a safe place to come and talk. If you have read this whole thing, thank you for taking the time.