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Lesbian Daughter doesn't want to go school

Discussion in 'For Parents and Family Members of LGBT People' started by Herohans, Oct 8, 2018.

  1. Herohans

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    Hi All,

    My 12 year old daughter came out to the world last year and ever since then her attendance at school is a big problem. We live in the Southern US, smack in the middle of the bible belt. She describes a low grade harassment from some students and some teachers.

    All the school officials are concerned with is her lack of attendance and her grades. The school does not have a Gay Straight Alliance (GSA) club and my daughter doesn't want to start one.

    She typically gets out of going to school by having an acute illness like Strep, ear infections or by staying up all night.

    I realize there maybe several things going on and I'm trying to rule them all out. I don't think homebound or home schooling is a good option for us.

    1. (Devil's advocate) nothing is wrong and we're getting played.
    2. Checking bloodwork to rule out Mono, Strep carrier and general organ function.
    3. Just did a home sleep study to rule out sleep apnea with narcolepsy next on the list.
    4. Psychiatrist and counseling to address any underlying mental health issues such as anxiety/depression.

    The only thing left is the social/harassment aspect at school. Do I send her to school with a body cam to document the harassment? Georgia is a one consent state for recordings but can a 12 year old give that kind of consent? I have already looked up a lgbtq friendly lawyer in the area to get legal advice if needed.

    Am I missing anything?

    Herohans
     
    justme32 likes this.
  2. Chiroptera

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    Hey Herohans,

    I'm also not a great fan of home schooling, because i think interaction with a teacher and other students is important for the kid/teenager.

    Let me ask you some things to better understand the situation:

    1- In (4), are you saying you are considering to get an appointment with a psychologist/psychiatrist for her, or did you already do it? I think it would be a good idea. Maybe try a psychologist first?

    2- Have you talked to other parents and, especially, the principal/headmaster or other person in the school that could help you with this? Especially if teachers are harassing her, this is something that should be discussed with the person in charge.

    3- About the "nothing is wrong" possibility, i think you may rule that out. Regardless if there is or isn't harassment on school, the fact that she pointed it out means something is bothering her, and it is important to figure out what.

    4- I'm not sure a body cam would be a great idea, especially without the advice of a lawyer. If you are considering it, i think you should talk to the lawyer you mentioned first. However, other options (such as advice from a psychologist) may be better, at least to start.
     
  3. Herohans

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    Hi Chiroptera,

    Thanks for the reply.

    She's been seeing a psychiatrist but he left town. We started with a new psychiatrist and the anti-depressant prescribed had strong side effects of making her angry. So, she's non-compliant with her med. We're considering finding another psychiatrist since this one hasn't responded to my calls and e-mail for additional guidance prior to her next appointment.

    She was seeing a counselor but wouldn't commit to going to therapy regularly. She has actually hidden from me to avoid going.

    I've reached out to a gay psychologist to see if more specialized, lgbtq focused, counseling might help. Waiting to schedule an appointment.

    I haven't talked to other parents, it's hard to tell from looking at folks who is an ally and who isn't.

    I haven't brought the issue to the Principal or the Guidance Counselor this year, yet. I feel like I need more, something, evidence perhaps that harassment is the cause of her absences. Bullying is not tolerated but I'm not sure it's to that level. We had problems with attendance and grades last year and ended up in summer school.

    Yes, I tend to agree that something is causing this avoidance behavior and it could be as simple as her expectations of being accepted by all not matching reality.

    Yeah, I don't know if the body cam helps any but if the school, the school district or the courts needed proof of harassment that would sure work.

    Herohans
     
  4. DecentOne

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    What do you have for support for you as a parent? Is there a PFLAG meeting near you, for instance?
    It sounds like you are paying attention and listening to her. Has her pediatrician suggested something else is going on (puberty onset) that is complicating things for her?
    She is a little young to get on a support site such as this, but the Empty Closets staff might be good to talk to if an exception would make a difference (it can't replace therapy, but might feel like a safe space to her).
     
  5. Herohans

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    Hi Decent One,

    Support? I'm in the collecting phase on that one.

    I hadn't heard of PFLAG before and there is a chapter in a town near us. I will check out what activities and resources they can offer.

    Hadn't discussed this specific concern with her Peds doctor but they are concerned about her being sick all the time. They ordered a blood draw for strep carrier, mono and anemia.

    I've asked her to find her tribe on-line but she said she was good. 8 out 10 kids showed up for her birthday dinner so its not like she doesn't have any friends.
     
  6. Loves books

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    Maybe trying a psychologist would be a good idea. Ask your daughter who she would be more comfortable seeing. I had a male counsellor through my college and stopped going. I would have preffered a female but didn't feel I could request a specific gender. She might also feel insecure about seeing anyone. Like it makes her feel bad or weird by seeing a professional. I'm wondering could your daughter wish to ignore the fact she's gay. Not that she's in denial but doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. I wasn't out in school but would do anything to avoid going. Maybe her aversion to school isn't all about her sexuality. If she has trouble with schoolwork or is struggling with any particular subject she may dread school because of that. If she is being harassed then documenting it seems like a good idea but if it's really low grade a body cam seems like over doing it. PFLAG would be a good idea to see if any other parent has the same problem.
     
  7. Herohans

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    Hi Loves books,

    She prefers female doctors and we're fine finding her people she is comfortable seeing. I found a female lesbian psychologist in the next town over. The psychologist suggested we start with one of the counselor's in her office because she is booked up for months. That appointment is a week away.

    My daughter also said she would have an anxiety attack if she went back to school this coming monday. Her next psychiatrist appointment is this Thursday and the follow-up with the Sleep doctor is this Tuesday.

    I wouldn't say my daughter wants to ignore being gay. She came out on facebook, youtube and to her friends at school. I think she just didn't realize that not everyone would accept her. She describes a lot of classmates telling her she's going to hell for being gay and that it is wrong to be gay.

    My daughter is smart and doesn't appear to have any problem with her classes if she is there to do the work.

    I agree it may just be she just doesn't like school or like this school anymore. It's a 6, 7 and 8th grade middle school so we have another year to get through.

    I just learned from my wife that another girl came out as gay around the same time and she got the same hostile reception. She ended up doing a medically homebound school program because she was cutting.

    - Herohans
     
  8. PotatoPotato

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    I can't guarantee I am 100% correct, but this looks so much like my experiences with school it's scary.

    I've been in a situation where I got to physically feeling sick and being mentally unable to go to school at the end of primary school (age 9-11), from endless bullying (I was not out as gay at the time, had nothing to do with it). (Sound similar yet?) What I'd do if I were you I'd suggest to check if she still has motivation for learning (By giving her some random lesson above her grade in various subjects).

    If so; Talk to her. If her issues appear to be serious to some extend and she hasn't lost learning motivation yet, get her out of this school now and get her help, as if it reached that point she's already experiencing mental trauma. If this isn't dealt with, and more school related trauma stacks up she'll likely lose all motivation to learn, to go to school and/or will end up with depression and/or PTSD. Please; given my own experiences; don't let it get there.

    Question: Is there any other traumatic thing that happened in recent times, like family death, witnissing a bad injury of someone or anything similar? Problems like this can also exist when there's a situation of mental trauma and (a possibly more minor, but also possibly a very major) issue adds up onto it.

    I hope things aren't as bad as they appear from the signals I am seeing in your posts, but honestly, I can't say I see this in a very positive light. Make sure to realise my advice comes from my own life experience; meaning I may be drawing some conclusions too quickly or giving too extreme advice or advice not possible in your area/situation: Please use common sense when doing anything as well given the situations. Good luck, my best wishes to you and your doughter.
     
  9. cgrumms

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    I know this thread is old but I still wanted to contribute. I understand your concern about homeschooling or anything like that and I think you made the right decision. However, the bullying and harassment needs to stop one way or another. If you have any LGBTQ+ friends, I would think it best for your daughter to talk to them about this and get their personal stories. I know I'm only 13 and you probably won't take me seriously, but I think this would be a good place to start.