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Leaving marriage for untested waters?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by lavalamp, May 27, 2020.

  1. lavalamp

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    Hi, I'm a woman who has been married (to a man) for almost 20 years. I have been attracted off and on to women over the years but have never fallen in love with a woman before. I'm at a crossroads where I realize my marriage is unsatisfying and I mostly think of/feel attracted to women when I imagine something else for my life. However, I have a lot of doubts. It seems like other people in my position fall in love with / have an affair with another women and leave marriages for that. Does it make any sense to leave a marriage to just be alone, and not sure of anything, including your capability of meeting anyone or falling in love? Anyway, looking forward to anyone's thoughts.
     
  2. Zii

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    Hi! I was in your shoes about 3 years ago. I eventually filed divorce with my husband, we were married for 8 years, no kids. I have never regretted my decision. But prior to filing it, I could say I tried to hold on to that marriage but finally decided to listen to that inner voice of mine.. I'm glad I did :relaxed: I'm not saying you won't as well as we have our own circumstances and have different lives but I guess you'll just have to weigh things. And once you made whichever decision, just stand by it I guess. I'm currently single although I did finally had an actual relationship with a lady. Eventhough it didn't last, it was nice to finally be myself and love the type of person that I wanted. It's also good beung able to kiss her and hold hands in public without being careful not to be seen. I'm still not out to most of my family but I am not hiding either. So it's a good feeling overall :slight_smile:
     
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  3. LostInDaydreams

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    Welcome to EC! :slight_smile:

    Are you basing this on EC or from what you’ve encountered generally? From my experience of EC, I would say that having an affair is not usual or typical. Plenty of women make the leap into the unknown. I did and I am much happier being single, than I was with my ex.

    If anything, I would say it makes more sense to leave to be alone. Leaving for a particular person would put a huge amount of pressure on that relationship. Also, why stay in a relationship just for the sake of staying in a relationship? It might get unpleasant and resentment might grow. Also, if somebody you like does come along, you won’t be in a ideal position to do something about it.

    What are you concerns around meeting somebody and falling in love?
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, May 27, 2020
    Last edited: May 27, 2020
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  4. lavalamp

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    Thank you for your thoughts, I think you’re absolutely right about the dilemma of putting pressure on a new relationship if you jump straight into one from a marriage. I have some work to do on myself before being ready for that. I am not sure what I’m basing my thoughts on this on, I just don’t know enough women who date women to even know what I’m talking about is probably the truth! Also I’m just afraid. I know my hisband does love me and I wish that was enough. I just hope to meet more people to talk about this with and feel less alone. I so appreciate your thoughts - thanks again.
     
  5. lavalamp

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    It really helped to hear your story and that you’re happier now, I appreciate you sharing it. I think you were brave to move forward and I relate to trying to hold on.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    It is scary. I felt very similar. Just stuck due to the fear and all the unknowns. Once I started the journey, it felt less scary. Breaking it down into steps might help, rather than looking at it as one big change.

    Have you written a pros and cons list about staying where you are now and not doing anything? It might help.
     
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  7. Zii

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    It is really hard to be in that position anyway. You've been with him for so many years, it's hard to just throw all that.... if only you could try, let's say going somewhere for a while, by yourself only and see how it is for you. Maybe it will help you somehow on which path you really want to take.
     
  8. lavalamp

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    I have sort of done this, I usually end up stuck by an overwhelming fear of divorce even if the pros add up. But that can’t be the right reason to stay.
     
  9. lavalamp

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    I think this is good advice. I did this last year and it was clear that once I am away, I find some footing to move on. Its when I’m back home with the routines that I freeze up. For some reason I am very caught up in not wanting to hurt my husband - particularly that my coming out would feel to him like an invalidation of our long marriage, or I’d be asking him to give up everything just to make me happy. I have to get past this I know...
     
  10. Zii

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    Hmm.. maybe it'll be easier for you to decide when that special woman comes and all your worries will be melted coz you've fallen so bad
     
  11. Zii

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  12. Contented

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    This was my experience. Once I met the man who ultimately became my bf, the path was made clear. I needed to be with him and separate myself from my heterosexual relationship permanently. I won’t say it was easy but it was well worth it. I have never looked back in regret.
     
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  13. LostInDaydreams

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    It would probably be better to be single and in a position to act on those feelings.

    Leaving for another person, would also put a lot of pressure on that relationship.
     
  14. lavalamp

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    I believe this and I appreciate it even though I know it's hard to leave something for nothing. I've experienced infidelity in the past and know it can be a difficult road. I want to do this the right way. I just hope I have the future I imagine. I'm scared.
     
  15. lavalamp

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    I believe this and I appreciate it even though I know it's hard to leave something for nothing. I've experienced infidelity in the past and know it can be a difficult road. I want to do this the right way. I just hope I have the future I imagine. I'm scared.
     
  16. Contented

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    You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t scared. Venturing into the unknown is both complicated and if course frightening, it’s human nature. That does not mean it is not the right thing to do. Only you can answer that question. You know your heart and how you really feel. If your truly honest with yourself you will know the answer. It sounds from your posts that you really want to explore your lesbian nature and it is not fair to do it while involved in heterosexual relationship. It’s not fair to your husband, not fair to the woman you might be involved with and not fair to you as it will color that extramarital relationship with added complications that wouldn’t be there if you are single.
     
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  17. Contented

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    You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t scared. Venturing into the unknown is both complicated and of course frightening, it’s human nature. That does not mean it is not the right thing to do. Only you can answer that question. You know your heart and how you really feel. If your truly honest with yourself you will know the answer. It sounds from your posts that you really want to explore your lesbian nature and it is not fair to do it while involved in heterosexual relationship. It’s not fair to your husband, not fair to the woman you might be involved with and not fair to you as it will color that extramarital relationship with added complications that wouldn’t be there if you are single.
     
  18. Fuzzy

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    I have't been married as long as you but I recently got divorced to be single and I do not have experience with women either.
     
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  19. Fuzzy

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    I have't been married as long as you have, but I recently got divorced and I am single. I also have never been with a woman.
     
  20. Fuzzy

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    Sort for posting twice... it looked like it didn't post the first time.
     
  21. LostInDaydreams

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    You wouldn’t be leaving for “nothing” though, would you? You would be leaving in order to live the life that you want.

    I was scared too. I understand how hard it is. There was a time when I thought I would never get to the other side, but I did and it’s completely possible. It wasn’t easy, but things started to feel better once I started to take some (small) steps towards leaving.
     
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  22. lavalamp

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    How are you thinking you might meet women and start dating (if interested)? Ive tried dating apps just to chat with people. At this point I just want to make friends and be seen.