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Learned my ex remarried

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Lilbird, Mar 16, 2021.

  1. Lilbird

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    Hi everyone,

    I’ve been away from empty closets for awhile. This has been a place where I would go in the past when I was questioning my sexuality and going through the coming out process. Even as things eventually became more settled, I would return from time to time to read and relate to so many of the stories that sound like my own.

    I’m returning today for some assistance in navigating a new set of emotions. I learned from social media that my ex husband recently remarried. I knew he was engaged but did not know when it was happening.

    Brief background: I’m a woman from a conservative background who was married to a man for nearly a decade before I came out as attracted to woman. I still don’t have a label for myself - consider myself 75% lesbian, 25% bi or in other words a bi-romantic lesbian. When I came out to my then husband, he was supportive and we tried to make it work for awhile. However, the feelings for women became too strong and I was becoming secretive in response to my shame. I went to therapy, we amicably separated then divorced a few years ago.

    Since the divorce and move I’ve had waves of grief for the life I gave up (home, social life, in laws, shared memories). I also really miss him. He was a good person and my best friend.

    I’m in a good relationship with a woman, and I’m genuinely happy he has found love again.

    After learning he has remarried, I’m experiencing a wave of grief so strong I’m having difficulty focusing on much else. I think of their life we shared, then the circular thought process returns - maybe I should have tried harder to make it work, I’m not fully gay so I could have done more to keep my marriage, this path has been hard so maybe I made the wrong choice, I’m a bad person for putting him through that, things would have been fine if I could have just kept these feelings suppressed, etc.

    Im not exactly sure what I need right now, but I think if anyone could relate or share words of encouragement I might find it helpful. Thanks in advance :slight_smile:
     
  2. I'm gay

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    Welcome back to EC, and I'm so sorry you're in this grief.

    I think this grief you feel is another part of this process. You are grieving the loss of your marriage and former life. Of course his marriage would trigger that for you, simply because it finally eliminates that potential you could go back to him and resume your former life, not that you would have, but maybe it was the last piece of bargaining you held onto. Just remember that following grief comes acceptance. I think this is a good thing and allowing you to achieve closure.

    I don't think you made the wrong choice. Choices are hard, and the consequences of our choices can be devastating. That doesn't make it the wrong choice though.
     
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  3. Lilbird

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    Wow, this is spot on. You are right, I think in the back of my mind was this vague idea of being able to return to that life, as unrealistic as it may have been. It is difficult to reconceptualize what my life is going to look like outside of the path I was on. I have been feeling stuck and in a place of limbo for the past 2 years. Maybe this will help force me to let go and carry on. Thank you very much for your kind yet honest words.
     
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