I think I’m just gay. Every couple nights, late at night I end up sitting in the dark pondering my feelings about this for a long time getting nowhere. I don’t even know how to describe my feelings. Anxiety, fear, but there’s something else there. It makes me nauseous. I feel like I’m fighting a battle, but I don’t know who I’m fighting or what I’m fighting for. I feel like I pulled myself into a well inwards 8 years ago and just recently realized how deeply I'd fallen and that I don't know what way is up anymore. I feel like the process of sorting through these feelings is painfully slow, and I don’t know how to make better progress. I want to skip to the part where I’m happy and out and have found love and I can leave all this behind.
I'm sorry that you're feeling lost and tortured. It certainly sounds like you're wrestling with something big. Can you describe what the pressures are that are keeping you from unraveling your thoughts and feelings? Is there a particular block that is keeping you from contemplating the possibility that you are gay? I've found that starting to write things out has helped me unpeeled the onion and get to the root of the matter and who I am. And in understanding my sexuality, it was a lot less scary once I started and working my way towards the other side.
