Lack attraction to partner

I’m bisexual, and so I do have desire for my wife, and so our marriage continues much as before on that level. And then I have my private time alone when I entertain my imagination about guys.

A PG answer, but I hope it helps.

 

I'm married to a man (I'm not out at all) for whom I have no sexual desire and we have sex a lot. I get very little by way of pleasure from it but go along with it to maintain my cover and marriage for fear of breaking up the family home so I understand exactly where you're coming from. I can only achieve any pleasure during sex by fantasising about women and I often drink alcohol to try and loosen myself up and get in the mood beforehand. I appreciate this isn't healthy or very helpful but I just wanted you to know you're not alone in how you feel.

 

I was in this boat once. The more I opened up the side of me that was attracted to women, and allowed myself to accept it, the less desire I had to sleep with my husband.

My world was thrown into turmoil. For a while I fantasised and put my head somewhere else. This worked but only for so long. I drank a lot too (definitely not advisable).

But there literally came the point where I had to come out. Once I’d done this I also changed our relationship too. Best friends only. No more intimacy or romantic relationship. Just best friends. Sex wasn’t working anyway by that point.

I gave myself the freedom and let myself loose from the restraints of marriage. I simply couldn’t do it any more. I was to cracking up point. Id been married for 18 years.

 

It’s been a struggle for me for sure. It was easier earlier in our marriage, but even then there were many times when I had trouble performing. It was always stressful..never exciting. I was always just hoping it would work. I mostly fantasized about men during intimacy. As I’ve gotten older, and now accept that I am gay, I cannot do it at all.
I didn’t answer your question. Sorry. You’re not alone. I would like to come out, but that would throw things into turmoil at the moment

 

Like decent, I'm bi so I do still have attraction to my wife. I am frustrated sometimes by not being fully able to express my attraction to men, but that's a different problem (and if I were with a man monogamously, I'd have the same problem, just reversed).

Your orientation says "questioning", but it seems like you're pretty sure you don't have much interest in your current partner. Where to go from here could be difficult. Like @Sunchimes said, you may need to revisit or reconsider your marriage. At the very least, that's something to think about.

Sorry you're dealing with this, but there are quite a few others here with similar stories, so you aren't alone.

 

I can only imagine how this makes you feel, just submitting to it to maintain the mirage. As a gay man, and finally accepting it, it’s just not even an option most times when my wife wants sex. I used to always fantasize about men but that rarely works anymore.
I’m sorry you are dealing with this.

 

Thank you. I think as a woman I have an advantage in that I don't have to worry about the "mechanics" working to be able to have sex, which isn't to say it's easy!

 

Of course. But you still should never have to feel obligated to do “it”

 

@Laine7008

My wife is not gay, but she did lose her sex drive completely with menopause. She didn’t disclose this to me. But, I could tell something had changed in our intimacy. There’s a pretty good chance your husband knows something is amiss.

I was convinced that it was me…I am bisexual and was having trouble coming to terms with telling my wife. I finally told her hoping the vulnerability would help. She disclosed that she was pretty much asexual now.

My circumstances are different than yours. But, you might be surprised with what your husband is feeling. Coming out to him may or may not be doable. But, it was the right thing for me and my wife.

 

While having this group and the support of people on here is amazing, I've found that since acknowledging how I feel, it's been more difficult to continue with my life as before. As a result of this I've actively avoided logging on here for several days to get myself "back on track". I have however just spent the last 20 minutes trying not to cry and trying to show some enthusiasm during sex with my husband. I don't know how much longer I can carry on like this.

 

Loss of desire for intimacy with my wife happened as the next stage of my journey, im sure she's noticed but its unspoken. For me its reached a tipping point where I feel I have to move to the next stage, coming to EC helps enormously where I don't feel so alone and know there are others experiencing the same things as me. I find myself having breaks from EC for the same reason, to get back on track, but each time I go through this process I find ive progressed a little more. It sounds moot but it is just a matter if time

 

I think you should talk about it with your husband, maybe together you find a decision