Just too old to be gay?

Being in the grey zone, meeting an older gay person makes me feel proud. Many older gay persons seem to avoid their age group.I am proud and grey. Wherever you are, become humbler and kinder to others. The key to being charming to others is respecting another person's individuality.

 

Peterpangirl

I just visited my family last weekend. I have a gay, middle-aged sister. She, absolutely, has a gay network of friends. It's not just local, it's regional. She travels, fairly often, to be with "her people". I think part of this is because of the conservative rural area she lives in. But, they do, quite readily, accept new "members". You just have to know who they are and that is the crux. It seems once you can find a community, the community is pretty tight.

 

You know, I'm not sure. I have a lot of experience with how gay men socialize and significantly less (although certainly some) with how gay women do. I've sort of tapped into the one world and only seen the other from the edges. The first thing I would say is that it would surprise me if lesbian culture wasn't at least a bit less youth obsessed than either gay male or straight culture. I really do think there's something to the "male gaze" as part of youth obsession in general, straight and gay--take that out of the picture and I would assume there would be positive consequences.

My husband was in a mixed gay choir for years. The group was mixed ages as well but tended to skew a little older, and the way the women socialized seemed for the most part pretty similar to the men. Similarly, most places we go where there are a ton of gay men there are a few gay women and the dynamics seem pretty similar. There will be a couple groups of women at the tea dance or the group of women staying at the guest house. As I think about it one of the main differences seems to be that when we encounter gay women out and about in larger settings they tend to be in groups, whereas the men generally seem to be more fundamentally in couples. But I think that may just be a function of beings sort of the odd person out. I often travel and attend events with just my husband and myself, but if I was going to the Dinah Shore Weekend you bet I'd bring a little gay male group....

 

I have always disagreed with this. I have been attracted to men my own age. When I was in my 20s, I noticed older guys in their 30s and 40s. I believe most of them were married. They were just good looking. I didn't need another dad. Their being straight had nothing to do with it. The first time I saw a photo of Neil Giuliano, I thought he was a good looking guy. Sure, you might see someone who is younger and cute and wonder what they'll be like in 10, 20, or 30 years, but that's where it stops. I also don't like cute. In the last year, I can honestly say I have only seen one younger guy who I noticed and who I repeatedly see in a retail store. It was because he has a very attractive brow and eyes - brown eyes with the longer lashes, but masculine looking. He is a larger guy and I am wondering what he may look like in 10, 20, or 30 years. I often see his coworkers hugging or touching him. I'm sure he'd make a good teddy bear for the young girls and guys he hangs around with. Put me downtown and I'll notice about 20 good looking middle aged guys in one lunch hour. I see bigger age gaps in relationships among gay men than I do among straight couples. Are people looking for a father or a son, or their equal?

I had this attitude by the time I was in my late 20s. I could be immature but, most of the time, I wasn't. I haven't had much use for flakes.

 

Too old? No, no no no NO! I think it's important to remember that the LGBT "community" is as diverse as any other community. People have various interests and preference. I was never one for the night club scene, straight or gay. When I recently tried to break in to the gay bar scene, I think I had it in the back of my mind that it was going to be like walking into an episode of "Cheers". it wasn't, not even close.

Is there a LGBT resource center nearby? Through the one near me, I found there are occasional social events that might work better for older guys like us. It might be worth looking into.

 

What era of movies?

 

Hi @Hugh -
I've been thinking a lot about your post, being of advanced years (60) myself. My initial response was a gut-level rejection of the idea of being too old to be gay, thinking it's never too late for us to be true to who we are. That kind of sums up my thinking -- at my age I shouldn't waste any time.

But what is it that you're really asking? If "being gay" means late nights at noisy clubs and having casual sex with strangers, I was too old for that a long, long time ago.

Maybe it's more of a question of whether it's worth the trouble, or even possible to connect with other gay or bi men at this age, and have meaningful interactions. That's what I'm looking for.

 

So. I'm meeting a guy next week while on vacation to do some kitesurfing. He is close to my age (late 50's). We'll probably just hang out, he'll meet my wife, maybe we have a little time together alone.

I just haven't found a shortage of this sort of thing at all with gay guys. There seem to be a lot more gay guys available than straight guys. I think because a lot of gay men my age are lonely? I don't know. But, I have found that it doesn't take much effort to meet men.

I have found it difficult to be part of a wider community as a bisexual. Individually, I have a bunch of gay friends but I don't feel welcome at gay events. That's not age related...it's sexuality related.

I tend to be activity oriented...biking, skiing, kitesurfing etc. So, maybe when I meet a gay man that is into these activities there is a bond the develops quicker for me? To the OP....It's great that you are getting involved in meetup groups. I'll bet that works for you!

I know I'm repeating myself a bit from earlier posts. But, I find this thread to be a bit disheartening in its title. It is never too late to be yourself. And, it is never too late to share yourself with another. Life is a series of a lot of short stories. There is opportunity, at any time, to write yourself another story. To find what you need. To be what you can be or want to be. Failure is OK...that's a part of life. We need to try. But, failure is different than becoming defeated and we cannot let that happen.

 

Nickw, you definitely have a knack at this. How do you do it? Do you start with the activities and find gay men within the activity? If so, how do you find out if they're gay? Are you out in that setting? Or maybe you start with men who are gay and find out if they are into the activities you're into?

 

Sevn

When I decided I needed to meet gay men in order to understand my sexuality I hit everything at once. I got on hookup apps (3 of them), I attended Pride, I attended other gay events like gay ski weekend. I networked. I would chat with a guy who wanted to hook up but didn't hookup. Instead, I found out what activities he like to do. My first hookup knew another guy who was into biking and I met him for a bike ride. He invited me to a party...etc.

I, probably, have 20 to 30 friends now in the gay community. I am NEVER disrespectful. I have a profile on the apps that is bluntly honest about my situation and that I don't do "hookups". I am often sent all sorts of interesting photos and I get all sorts of offers. That's the way the game is played. But, instead of leading guys on or being rude and dismissive I chat. I love hearing what people are into. And, even guys looking just for sex, will open up and talk about their other interests. Pretty soon the convo will say..."you should contact bob...he likes to ski" So, I do.

I've not been this sort of take charge person in the past when it comes to meeting people. But, I decided I had nothing to lose. I am very bad at feeling sorry for myself. Every time I try I meet someone who really is way worse off and it takes the wind out of my sails.

One place I have never tried is a club or gay bar. I can't connect in those settings and I find people put on a show...at least that was the straight scene of 30..ok 40 years ago. I also don't care how old some guy is, or what he looks like, or what he does for a living when I am just chatting with him.

I think the main thing is that I have become more accepting and open and that allows others into my space.

As far as being out...none of my straight friends or any of my family knows. But, I won't hide my friends. So, I go to these events and don' hide. It is surprising that I haven't been outed...but, I don't care. I think my mom is wondering though. She suggested I need to take my single brother out with my friends and try and hook him up. It was a pretty strange conversation to have with my 84 year old mom.

 

Sevn

I forgot to mention...

I think it also helps that I have several gay siblings and have been involved, as an ally, with the gay community for a long time. I've marched in gay Pride as a "straight". I've also been around so many gay people in my "straight" life. This has got to make it easier for me. I also, evidently, have a vibe that I give off that makes people feel safe around me (I should have a warning label for hot young guys...lol). So, people open up to me. This is not natural either for me. About 15 years ago, I recognized that I was not approachable and could be withdrawn. So, I started working on engaging people. Any people. I started with old ladies in the park. Chatting about anything. Then the cashier. Then a little kid at the riverfront...I just chatted about anything. But, mostly, I started trying to listen.

 

I personally prefer small intimate settings with deep conversation and see where things go without any preconceived notions...I guess it’s my age or being an existential thinker...I’m not into large crowds clubs or etc but small intimate groups is what I look for

 

Great observations. Single men, whether straight, gay, or in between, are more accessible than are coupled men, especially if they have children at home. They are more apt to make time for you. If you look at this as a numbers game, it would make sense that the more and longer someone is available to spend time with you, the odds go up that they may be gay, lesbian, or bi and not committed to anyone. Just think of how many of your friends may have vanished after they tied the knot. And how they treated single or childless people. In most instances, I wrote them off. You cross paths again later on Facebook and I wasn't going to open the door to reestablishing any sort of rapport. I did reestablish rapport with single friends and childless friends through that medium.

This strikes a chord. I think I give off that same vibe. People instantly start oversharing. It can be funny, interesting, and annoying. It depends. I believe it has to do with body language and other cues. In my free time, I tend to dress down by wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and flip flops. This can reel in some people who try to push their way into your sphere too forcefully. I have dialed back on this. I now put out this vibe when I want to and retract it when I don't feel like dealing with others.

Tonight, I just had a conversation with a friend of mine who is older than me and who retired early. He finds the LGBT activities to go to in his city and has made quite a few friends. He sticks to people in his age group. He is also friends with his neighbors who like him quite a bit and he socializes with them. It might help to be a little indifferent. He comes off as indifferent most of the time and, like they say, when sometimes isn't trying or looking, things start to happen.

 

Yes!! Anytime, give me a half-dozen people to hang out with, maybe some music, and deep conversation. That nurtures my soul like nothing else.

 

This resonates big time. I'm really good at shutting people out. Week before last, walking around Castro Street, it was so easy to walk right past people. Cutting myself a little slack now, I was out of my element, didn't know anyone, and needed to stay safe.
But I'm trying. Today on my way to work, I made the effort to let another cyclist catch up with me, and I asked him about his bike headlight. It was light but interesting conversation, then he pedaled ahead (his was electrically-assisted, I was on my beach bike). Then I caught up with him at an intersection, and he started chatting me up! Then I got to work and it seemed like the vibe continued with other people. So I think I can do it.

 

My sentiments exactly

 

I am teetering on coming out...I’m torn between whether I’m bi or gay..that said my preference is for someone my age 40-60

 

Hi Hugh, I agree someone should start a club...I’m 46 and teetering on whether I am bi or gay...that said I prefer to associate with individuals of my age group or older....